


Consequences

by purpledog



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Amnesia, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Post-Endgame
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-17
Updated: 2017-09-21
Packaged: 2018-12-30 21:50:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 35
Words: 89,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12117930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/purpledog/pseuds/purpledog
Summary: Admiral Janeway changed the timeline in order to bring Voyager home. Captain Braxton isn't going to let that go without some consequences for Captain Janeway.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm just bringing this over from fanfiction.net and correcting typos while I'm at it.

Disclaimer: Star Trek: Voyager and its characters don't belong to me.

Consequences

Kathryn Janeway was lying on the biobed obediently while she thought through her options. In her years as a Starfleet officer, she had been in many strange situations, but this one took the cake. Tuvok's last report had mentioned rumors of some members of the Maquis experimenting with mind control techniques. Perhaps she had somehow been captured by them and this was an attempt to get confidential Starfleet information out of her. She preferred that possibility to what she had just been told. She couldn't accept it; it was simply so ludicrous and laughable. And frightening if it were true, which it wasn't. It couldn't be.

She had awoken here in her very own sickbay earlier in the day to find a strange assortment of people looking at her: the Emergency Medical Hologram, Tuvok, the Maquis captain Chakotay she was supposed to capture, Owen Paris, Alynna Nechayev, Thomas Paris, and B'Elanna Torres, a member of Chakotay's Maquis cell. She had panicked, completely disoriented and thrown off kilter, especially due to the presence of the two Maquis, and had tried to summon a security team to sickbay. Tuvok had calmed her, telling her everything was all right and that the ship and crew were not in danger. He had told her to trust him and asked her to tell them what she last remembered. As she told them about drinking a cup of coffee with Commander Cavit in the ready room while going over Tuvok's reports of the Maquis cell, an almost visible pall settled over all of her listeners. She had nervously reached up to smooth her hair and was shocked to find that her hair had been cut and now barely reached her shoulders.

"What the hell is going on? Why are all of you here? What's happened?" she practically snarled and to her great surprise, Chakotay had taken over the situation. He had escorted her to the sickbay office along with Tuvok and Admiral Paris and proceeded to tell her the most ridiculous things: an almost magically powerful alien called the Caretaker plucking them from the Badlands and bringing them to the Delta Quadrant, merging two crews with the shared goal of traveling 70000 light years back to Earth, years of struggles, loss, and encounters with varied enemies, including the Borg. She had nodded her head, making few comments, but then he had begun explaining the time travel incidents and it had been quite difficult to keep a straight face.

Apparently, they had been involved in more than their fair share of time traveling, including Kathryn herself traveling 26 years back in time in order to bring Voyager home and destroying a Borg transwarp hub while they were at it. Well, Chakotay certainly had a fine imagination and a way with words, she had to give him that. She was almost tempted to trust him as she watched his full lips move, but his tale was so absurd. It had been hard to keep her mouth from quirking in amusement as he continued explaining about an enemy she had inadvertently made, a captain from centuries in the future tasked with maintaining the purity of the time line. Just as Voyager entered Earth orbit for the first time in seven years, at the moment of her greatest triumph, this crazed Captain Braxton had appeared on the bridge of Voyager and attacked Kathryn, shooting her in the head with some sort of device while shouting that he was punishing her for her infractions by taking it all away. Apparently "it" meant her memories of the past seven years.

The three men had all looked somber at the conclusion of Chakotay's convoluted tale, but she hadn't known whether to cry or laugh. None of this could possibly be real. She had immediately demanded to be released from sickbay, so that she could interrogate this Braxton for herself, but was quickly overruled by Admiral Paris. Braxton had disappeared in an unfamiliar transporter beam while en route to the brig, no doubt returned to his own time, and she, Kathryn, needed to stay in sickbay so that the EMH could examine her and find a way to restore her memory. There was no knowing what side effects she might be suffering from and she must remain in sickbay while the rest of them went to continue preparations for Voyager's landing.

And here she still was, lying on a biobed and wearing a sickbay gown, guarded by the Emergency Medical Hologram. Chakotay, Tuvok, and Admiral Paris had all left her, looking very apologetic that they were abandoning her and she gritted her teeth in annoyance when Chakotay told her not to worry about the ship, he would take care of everything. It took everything she had not to shout that this was her damn ship, not his. The Doctor had bustled around her for a while and she had patiently let him scan her and conduct basic memory checks with her before turning to work at a console. The entire time, Kathryn was aware of Thomas Paris and B'Elanna Torres. Ostensibly, they were occupied with taking care of their newborn baby, but both of them were watching her and it made her uncomfortable. As soon as the Doctor stepped away, they both approached her.

"Captain, you really can't remember anything from the last seven years?"

She stared at Tom Paris for a long moment before answering him, cataloging the visible changes in him.

"No. I just saw you in New Zealand maybe a week ago."

The Klingon woman held out the baby and Kathryn looked at it, noting the ridges on its tiny forehead.

"We named her Miral Kathryn."

The baby was sleeping, but its parents looked at her expectantly.

"That's nice," she finally said. That was not the reaction they had expected and both looked dispirited. She wished they would just go away and let her think. Seven years gone, it was so unlikely. She would know if there was such a large chunk of time missing from her memories. Wouldn't she? Torres held out the baby one more time.

"Would you like to hold her, Captain?"

Normally, Kathryn liked babies just fine, especially their bitty little fingers and toes, but she sensed that this was a charged request. They desperately wanted something from her, but she didn't know them and didn't want to, either. No, she didn't want to hold their baby and be further pulled into whatever this madness was.

"Maybe later. I'm feeling a little woozy, I wouldn't want to drop her."

They still didn't leave and Kathryn abruptly sat up and got off the biobed. She really was feeling woozy and clutched the edge of the biobed for a moment, waving off Paris' move toward her and headed for the bathroom. Alone at last, she took care of her needs and then stripped off the sickbay clothes, looking at her body in the mirror, once more shocked. She had always been too thin, but well toned. Now she saw that she had gone soft, her stomach rounded, her waist a little thicker, and the definition in her arms less pronounced. How had this happened? She always made the time to exercise daily, finding it to be a great stress reliever and a way to help her sleep better. She dressed again and splashed her face with water repeatedly, trying to think what to do next. She needed to see Mark at once; he always centered her and helped her find her way, he would be able to help her make sense of this situation. With a renewed sense of purpose, she reentered sickbay, ignoring Torres and Paris and heading for the CMO's office where the hologram was busily working at the desk.

"Yes, Captain, do you need something?"

"I need to make a comm call."

"Oh, I'm afraid that won't be possible at the moment. We are still not allowed to communicate with anyone off the ship."

"Hmm, all right, then. I'll be heading to the bridge, in that case. Where is my uniform?"

"Absolutely not! You almost died today. You have no business leaving sickbay."

"You've already run your tests on me and you're not actively treating me. There's no reason for me to be here."

"We don't know the nature of the instrument Captain Braxton used on you. Your brain is still flooded with chroniton particles."

"Stick a cortical monitor on me then, but be snappy about it. I have things to do." She placed her hands on her hips and stared down the hologram. He scowled fiercely at her and shook his head.

"I'll release you, but I'm not placing you back in command. You are unfit for command due to your memory loss."

"You're only a hologram, what right do you have to keep me from taking command of my own ship?" She was furious, but also surprised when the Doctor winced and looked away from her for a moment before answering.

"Over the years, you've come to see me as more than just a hologram or a useful tool and always encouraged me to grow and become more than I was. But that's all been taken from you." She had hurt him and Kathryn felt guilty, then annoyed. Someone else expecting something from her, but what, she didn't know.

"Your uniform was taken for forensic testing, but you can replicate a new one and any toiletries you need. We don't have to worry about replicator rations anymore. I'll contact the bridge. You can't take command, but you can be part of the meetings."

"Thank you, Doctor."

Chakotay was waiting for her when she emerged from the bathroom. He was holding the baby in his arms while he spoke to Paris and Torres. She took the opportunity to examine the man who was supposedly her first officer. He certainly was handsome, but she felt a stab of grief. All of the people in this sickbay had replaced the valued members of her senior staff who had been killed when Voyager was thrown into the Delta Quadrant. This situation simply couldn't be real, this had to be a hallucination. She squared her shoulders and strode toward Chakotay. It made such a difference to be in uniform, although it had been difficult to style her hair and she had stuck her tongue out at her reflection in exasperation. She had never had it this short and it was disconcerting. She couldn't keep from touching it as she and Chakotay left sickbay.

"It must have been very strange to find your hair like that," he said with a smile. She couldn't help a little smile back when she saw his dimples, but didn't respond. They entered the turbolift and he turned to her.

"We're in the middle of discussing the landing and the debriefing schedules." 

Kathryn nodded.

"Commander, before joining the meeting, I need to stop by my ready room to make a comm call."

"Well, we're not supposed to be making off ship communications, but I'm sure Admiral Paris will make an exception for you. I'm sorry, it just now occurred to me that we should have brought your mother aboard to be with you. I keep forgetting that we can do that now--call for help. This must all be very confusing and it would help to have family with you." He shook his head and gave her a self-deprecating smile.

"I suppose it would be nice to see my mother, but I would prefer my fiance. I need to talk to him as soon as possible. He is a civilian, but has a level 6 security level. It shouldn't be a problem to bring him on board."

"Oh." He tugged at his earlobe and suddenly looked desperately uncomfortable. "Hmm. Computer, halt turbolift. Kathryn, I'm sorry, this didn't occur to me either." She raised an eyebrow at his use of her first name and he looked even more uncomfortable at that. "Starfleet declared Voyager lost two years after we disappeared. Your fiance married someone else about three years ago. You received a letter from him telling you that when we first made contact with Starfleet." 

She couldn't help it this time, she laughed.

"Oh, this is completely absurd. You can't really expect me to believe that. Mark wouldn't marry someone else." She shook her head and smiled, thinking of Mark's warm embrace and steadfast love for her.

"I'm sorry, but it's true. You hoped we would get home before he gave you up for dead, but we didn't. I know you've written to each other a few times, the letters are probably in your ready room and if not, you can download them from the computer." He sounded so certain that she frowned, folding her arms against her chest protectively.

"Computer, resume turbolift."

The rest of the trip to the ready room was silent. She nodded her greetings when they stepped onto the bridge and headed straight for the ready room, suddenly feeling extremely anxious. Chakotay followed her in, but she ignored him and began searching her desk. She found the letters on a padd in a drawer, under the last picture they had taken together before she left with Voyager and she sat down to read. It didn't take very long and she deactivated the padd and tossed it back in the drawer, clenching her jaw tightly because she refused to cry in front of the Maquis captain. She allowed herself a moment to absorb the shock and then stood, refusing to acknowledge the pity in Chakotay's eyes.

"Let's go, Commander."

The meetings were overwhelming. First, Admiral Paris had summarized Starfleet's preliminary decisions regarding the Maquis and Equinox crewmembers. The Maquis were all to be pardoned and most likely would be offered their commissions, this was dependent on their individual service records and evaluations, while the Equinox crewmembers would likely be dishonorably discharged.

"Equinox crewmembers?"

"The survivors from another Starfleet ship you came across in the Delta Quadrant. They were committing genocide," Admiral Paris explained briefly.

"Starfleet officers engaging in genocide?" Kathryn gasped. She looked over at Chakotay, but he glanced away, avoiding eye contact. Admiral Nechayev had then outlined the specific topics she wanted covered during the debriefings and some of them were horrifying while others were incomprehensible. Kathryn could feel her eyes widening as she went down the list on the padd: a treaty with the Borg, losing Voyager to the Hirogen and giving Federation technology to said Hirogen, the use of torture as an interrogation tactic during the Equinox incident, allowing the Devore to board Voyager and breaking the Prime Directive while traveling through their space, losing Voyager to the Kazon, a Cardassian spy on board, stealing technology from the Borg, creating slipstream technology, the Unimatrix mission and the neural inhibitor, destroying a cache of Omega molecules, Species 8472, repeated temporal infractions... the list went on and on. Her padd vibrated and she read the text message that appeared.

-It's a lot to take in, but at least we were never bored. Chakotay-

He was smiling at her and she looked away, unsure how to react to this man who had usurped her position as Voyager's captain. Admiral Nechayev sighed in annoyance.

"Of course, all of this will be much delayed unless you recover your memories quickly, Captain Janeway. It is imperative that you do so. The Borg may decide to retaliate against us and you have the most experience dealing with the Borg Queen." Borg Queen? What the hell was she talking about?

"You will be part of the debriefings, whether or not you have recovered your memories at that point. Commander Chakotay, you will brief Captain Janeway before each session." Chakotay nodded and Nechayev's dour expression lightened. "You did something very useful, Captain. You kept the most meticulously detailed logs I've ever seen in case Voyager made it home without you. Even if your memories are gone, we have an excellent record of your experiences."

Kathryn smiled wanly at this praise and the meeting moved on to the details of the landing and how the family reunions would be handled. There was also a great deal of talk about a crew celebration in the mess hall that evening with special food requests being sent from Earth. Her head was pounding by the time they finished. Sandwiches had been replicated at one point and she had managed to nibble on one, although she found that she didn't have much of an appetite. The hot coffee hit the spot, though, and she was sipping her third cup when the meeting broke up. This time Tuvok was at her side while Chakotay left with Nechayev.

"The Doctor insists on seeing you."

"All right," she sighed.

"Captain Janeway, do you have any questions for me? This must be an extremely disconcerting experience for you."

"I do have a question. Is this all real? It was only supposed to be a three week mission. I just wanted to bring you back home. T'Pel was so worried about you."

"Yes, this is all real, although I have to say that I doubt very much that T'Pel was worried."

"Well, she was missing you and I was worried. I'm glad you're all right, I just can't believe how many crewmembers died."

"It is unfortunate, but it is due to your dedication and guidance that so many of us have come home. Captain, I will be leaving for Vulcan within the hour."

"Vulcan? But the landing isn't until the day after tomorrow."

" I must return for personal reasons." He paused and Kathryn looked at him with concern.

"Is everything all right with your family?"

"Yes, but I am suffering from a medical condition and must return to Vulcan to receive treatment. This is part of the reason that your future counterpart traveled back in time to return Voyager home early. I wish to reassure you that I will be available via subspace communication at any time and that I will return to Earth as soon as I am able. I also want to reassure you about Commander Chakotay. He is your closest friend and you can trust him. You have had many differences of opinion, but he has always been loyal to you and dedicated to your safety and well-being."

They entered sickbay and this time she made no protests when the Doctor demanded that she lie down on the biobed. She was feeling ill and welcomed the hypospray against her neck and the Doctor's quiet suggestion that she rest for awhile. Tuvok helped remove her boots and covered her with a blanket and she fell asleep listening to the gentle whimpers of the Paris baby.

Kathryn emerged from the sickbay bathroom a few hours later, feeling refreshed from the sonic shower and fresh uniform she was wearing. It had been easier to do her hair this time and she was feeling satisfied with her victory. The Doctor was nowhere in sight, but a very tall and shapely blonde woman was standing with perfect posture in the center of sickbay. She raised an eyebrow at Kathryn, which drew attention to the metallic adornments on her face.

"Captain Janeway, I am pleased to see that you are mobile now. The Doctor and Commander Chakotay have both informed me of your memory loss. It is unfortunate."

Kathryn smiled politely and waited for the woman to continue, but she merely continued to stare at her. B'Elanna Torres was propped up on her biobed nursing her baby and watching the encounter avidly.

"Seven," she called out, "She doesn't have a clue who you are. You better introduce yourself."

"Very well. My designation is Seven of Nine, Tertiary Adjunct of Unimatrix Zero-One, but you may call me Seven. I was formerly a Borg drone, but you severed me from the Collective and helped me regain my humanity. I now serve aboard this vessel as a crewmember in the Astrometrics department."

"Oh my, that's quite an introduction. If you don't mind my asking,when were you assimilated? Did it happen at Wolf 359?"

"No, I was six years old at the time of my assimilation and it took place in the Delta Quadrant 22 years ago. My parents were scientists studying the Borg and took me with them."

"Really? I didn't realize anyone from the Federation was aware of the Borg so long ago. You spent the majority of your life as a Borg drone, but now you live and function as a human?" It was astounding to know that a Borg drone could be rehabilitated. Of course, Kathryn was aware of Picard's brief existence as Locutus and his subsequent recovery of his humanity, but that couldn't compare to a lifetime in the Borg collective.

"I was Borg. Now I am human once more. It has been a long progression as I learned what it meant to be human, but you have guided me throughout it. I hated you for taking me from the Collective at first, but I will be forever grateful for all that you have done for me. I will assist the Doctor in any way I can to help reverse what Captain Braxton has done to you."

"Well, thank you, Ms. Seven, I appreciate that." The woman's cool facade warmed a little. She gave Kathryn a small smile, but Kathryn noticed that B'Elanna was glowering.

"Seven, make yourself useful and bring me a cup of water. Please. This makes me so thirsty!" She gestured to the baby at her breast and Seven quickly poured her a glass of water from the pitcher on the nearby table.

"Are you the only former Borg we have on board, Seven?"

"No, Icheb is also on board. He is an adolescent Brunali male who had not yet completed the full assimilation process before his removal from the Collective."

"I'm sorry to be so curious, but this is simply astounding to me. I just had no idea it was possible to recover someone from assimilation who had been part of the Borg Collective for so long. I see that you still have some visible implants."

Seven nodded and began to enumerate her remaining Borg traits while Kathryn privately wondered about the psychological ramifications of the assimilation process. Human children needed affection, love, physical contact, someone to bond with in order to become healthy functioning adults. The Borg certainly wouldn't have provided any of that. She assumed that this unfortunate woman must have received those things from her parents before her assimilation, although they certainly must have been very careless parents to take their daughter with them into such a dangerous situation. Kathryn decided to save the rest of her questions for now. She didn't want to somehow offend Seven the way she had already offended the Doctor.

"I must return to Astrometrics now, Captain, but I will see you soon. There will be a gathering in the mess hall tonight to celebrate our final night aboard Voyager."

"All right. It was nice meeting you, Seven." The tall woman left, leaving just Kathryn and Torres. Kathryn concealed a small smile. Now was her chance. Torres was patting her baby on the back and Kathryn turned to her.

"I'll see you later, Lieutenant. I'm expected on the bridge," she lied coolly. She was free at last on her own ship without an escort to guide her, although she assumed someone would eventually be along to track her down once they realized she wasn't in sickbay or on the bridge.


	2. Chapter 2

 

Kathryn headed toward Engineering and received many cheerful greetings from the crewmembers she passed. Apparently, they were all aware of her attack and were glad to see her up and about. From their comments, she assumed they hadn't been told about her memory loss. She merely smiled and tried to avoid conversations that would give her away. She didn't have a particular plan in place, just a vague notion to take any advantage she found and one soon presented itself. An airlock was open and station personnel were bringing in a cargo load of what looked like food. The Voyager personnel receiving the cargo were gleeful. A man she didn't recognize actually rubbed his hands together and chortled.

"Look at that, Gerron! Starfleet's gone all out, champagne and I think this is shrimp! No leola root surprise tonight."

His companion smiled wistfully.

"Maybe we should have some leola root anyway, just to remember Neelix. Oh, Captain!"

"As you were."

She nodded and coolly stepped through the airlock and past the station personnel who all looked at her uncertainly. She could tell they were wondering if they should stop her, so she continued on as if she owned McKinley Station, hands behind her back and surveying them unmercifully. They all straightened, making an effort to look busy and industrious, so she graciously smiled and continued, unhurried and deliberate, until she was out of their sight. She entered the first bathroom she saw, relieved to find that it had a courtesy replicator. She needed to change her clothing immediately. Her old-style uniform would allow anyone to quickly spot her, but she wouldn't be able to replicate a new uniform without entering her identification. Instead, she requested simple pants, a long-sleeved shirt, and a hair color mister, carefully wiping the request from the replicator's memory as soon as the objects materialized. She changed and then misted her hair until it was a nice dark brown and recycled the uniform, comm badge, cortical monitor, and mister, once more erasing the replicator's memory. The security on this station and Voyager was truly appalling. Look how she had just strolled off the ship. She shook her head in disgust as she walked out of the bathroom. No, this was just another sign that none of this was real. She had come up with quite a list of explanations for her situation while she was in the sonic shower, but she needed to get to Mark to help her figure it all out.

It had been simple enough to get off the ship, but the station was another matter entirely. She replicated a large cup of coffee from a long bank of replicators and casually strolled through the various areas of the station looking for another opportunity. Security was heightened due to the presence of Voyager and none of the transporters were left unmanned at any moment. She watched and waited and finally slipped into the back of a large group of officers who were beaming back to Headquarters. No one gave her a second glance and in a moment she was back at Headquarters and hurrying out the door. It was already dark and she shivered, wishing she had thought to replicate a jacket. There were few people walking in this weather and she noted with surprise the changes in some of the city's buildings. She walked briskly, visualizing Mark's face, the warmth of his embrace, and Molly's wagging tail. His house was brightly lit when she got there and she wasted no time entering her security code, but it was quickly denied. She reentered it, puzzled, and when it still didn't work, she rang the doorbell. After a moment, the door opened and a strange woman stood there looking at her.

"Yes, can I help you?"

The décor was completely different. The carpets were gone, replaced by gleaming hardwood, and the furniture was different too. She could see a man peering at her from the kitchen.

"You look familiar. Aren't you-" the woman began. Kathryn stepped back, hoping her face would be hidden in the shadows.

"I'm sorry, I had the wrong address."

She turned and hurried away, her heart pounding furiously. She had only been here two weeks ago, just before she shipped out. Maybe it was all true, maybe she truly had been gone for seven years, maybe Mark had actually married-she shook her head angrily. No, his love for her was a solid unbreakable fact. He had loved her since the moment she saved his life in the quarries of Mars when they were teenagers. Chakotay was responsible for all of this somehow, all of this confusion and terror she was feeling. Well, she wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of giving into the panic threatening to overwhelm her. She would go to her own house and regroup there for a few minutes. She was going to have to walk, though. The security system on any public transportation she could take would surely record her face and it would be an easy matter to track her down. She would have to carefully examine her home before she entered to make sure that no one was waiting for her before she dared to enter it.

It wasn't a very long walk normally, only twenty minutes. She and Molly often jogged to Mark's, but it was so cold tonight and she didn't have a jacket and her head was throbbing so much. She paused once in order to fight off a wave of nausea and then continued, but the panic was now refusing to be pushed away. This was her block, but the small neat houses were all gone, replaced by several apartment buildings. The stately trees that had lined the street were also gone, saplings growing in their place. None of this made any sense. She continued down the block and entered a coffee shop on the corner that hadn't been there two weeks ago.

The patrons and workers alike were all enthralled with the news broadcast on the vid screen at the front of the shop and Kathryn took the opportunity to slip into a booth unseen. She rubbed her hands together trying to warm them and then glanced up quickly at the news broadcast when she heard her name. It was all about Voyager's return. The reporter was breathlessly recounting the story that Chakotay had told her earlier today while images of the crew and ship flashed on the screen. She looked away after a moment and noticed the public computer terminal near the bathrooms. She made her way over, pondering how best to search for Mark without giving herself away. After a few seconds of thinking she quickly disconnected the computer's worldwide interface. Now she was able to access the city directory already downloaded onto the computer without anyone being able to tap into the computer's searches. And there was Mark's address, halfway across the city. She wanted to cry. She was never going to be able to walk there. If only her head didn't ache so much, if only she could think more clearly. Mark would help her make sense of everything if only she could get to him. She was going to have to risk taking a ground shuttle. The computer obligingly showed her the schedule and she reluctantly left the warmth of the coffee shop.

She tried to keep her face averted and covered by her hair as she climbed onto the shuttle. There were only a few other passengers on board and most of them were distracted by the news broadcasts on their padds. The reporter was speculating on rumors of some sort of accident that had injured the "intrepid Captain Janeway." Kathryn sat tensely and watched San Francisco pass by through the windows. She couldn't understand the changes she saw in the darkness. Quite a few buildings were missing and new buildings had taken their place. There shouldn't have been so much change in only seven years. Perhaps she had become lost in an alternate universe. Such things had happened to other Starfleet officers before. If this was the case for her, then she still felt that Mark would be the best person to help her. Mark in any universe would always be someone she could trust. Still, though, how could she explain the physical changes of her body? And in Thomas Paris, for that matter. Perhaps Chakotay's story was true. No, it simply wasn't possible that seven years had been so neatly wiped from her mind. This was all a delusion, a way of stealing Federation secrets from her mind. Chakotay was keeping her drugged up somewhere for his nefarious Maquis purposes and she just had to resist until Tuvok discovered what he was doing and rescued her. And then she would arrest Chakotay and throw him into the brig and gladly testify against him and she would press for the maximum amount of imprisonment. To interfere with someone's mind and memories like this was abhorrent. She had studied Chakotay's psychological profile and his dossier until she felt she knew him better than his own mother ever had. Never once had she thought him capable of this type of treatment. Wearily, she rubbed the bridge of her nose and tried to quell the nausea that was once more making itself known.

The shuttle stopped and she got off. Mark's house was only a block away. She approached warily. It was a nice house, two stories, flower beds in front. The windows were lit up and she briefly heard Molly's familiar bark from within. Nothing appeared to be amiss and she made the decision to approach the door. If she attempted to peek through the windows, she was likely to set off a security alarm. She rang the doorbell and was instantly rewarded with more of Molly's barks. Mark answered the door and his physical appearance momentarily stunned her. He had aged. His hair was totally gray now and there were lines on his face that hadn't been there two weeks ago. He stared at her for a moment, apparently just as stunned.

"Kathryn?" He looked behind him for a second and then reached out, pulling her into his arms. He might look different, but his scent was still the same, his embrace just as warm and strong. He kissed the top of her head while whispering her name repeatedly and Kathryn clutched his shoulders, losing herself in the moment. Finally, he pulled her away to look down at her.

"You're freezing. Get in here and let's warm you up."

He led her into the house, shutting the door behind them. Molly was immediately upon her, barking wildly, tail wagging. Kathryn knelt down and petted her, welcoming the distraction. He had aged so much in only two weeks and she had never heard of someone becoming lost in an alternate universe where time moved faster. She was beginning to believe that she really had lost seven years of her life.

"Kath? Are you all right? You look sick." Mark had knelt down next to her. Kathryn looked into his familiar eyes and slowly reached out to grasp his left hand. She ran her finger over the plain wedding ring on his ring finger.

"You married someone else."

"I did." He hesitated for a moment before squeezing her hand gently. "Kath, everyone is very worried about you. They've been searching for you everywhere. There's someone here waiting for you. He thought you would come here." Mark looked behind him once more and Chakotay emerged from a doorway. Kathryn scrambled to her feet and swayed dizzily. Mark tried to steady her, but she pulled away from his grasp, pulling herself as tall as she could in order to address Chakotay.

"I don't know what's real or what to believe. How do I know this isn't a delusion or a form of mind control or some other sort of Maquis trick?"

"Come back with me to Voyager and run all of the scans you can think of to help you figure it out. Mark can come too, if you would like." 

Kathryn examined Chakotay carefully. His arms were at his sides and he was maintaining a careful distance from her. He was regarding her with great concern and his eyes were such a soft, deep brown. There was no reason at all for her to trust him, but somehow, she did. Slowly she nodded, squaring her shoulders.

"All right. I'll go with you."

"Do you want Mark to come, too?" She involuntarily shuddered. Mark had married someone else. It was incomprehensible to her. She had never once doubted his love or devotion to her. He was her anchor. He had been so gentle, so understanding of her grief for Justin, such a sweet and tender lover. But he had married someone else. She shook her head.

"No." 

Mark's mouth twisted and an indescribably sad expression settled over his features.

"Kath, let me go with you, let me help you. I still love-"

"No!" She moved to Chakotay's side. "Let's go, Commander."

A few seconds later, they had beamed back to Voyager, Molly's howls still ringing in her ears. Admirals Paris and Nechayev were waiting for her and had quite a few things to say about her escapade. They followed her and Chakotay to sickbay, where she was soundly scolded by the EMH while he examined her and replaced her cortical monitor. Chakotay finally put a stop to the scolding and gave Kathryn the lead to do whatever investigations she felt necessary. It didn't take long for Kathryn to finally accept the truth that she had been trying to deny throughout this horrible day. She had just brought her ship home after seven years alone in the Delta Quadrant and had taken in a Maquis crew and molded them all into model Starfleet officers. She had rehabilitated a Borg drone. She had made countless scientific discoveries and more First Contacts than any other Starfleet officer in history. It had been the adventure of a lifetime and her memories of it had all been stolen from her. Kathryn turned from the tricorder readings she had been examining and spoke despairingly to Chakotay.

"You're telling the truth. I've lost the last seven years. What do I do now?"

His expression was just as sad as Mark's had been.

"The Doctor will find a way to fix everything. He's performed more than his fair share of miracles over the years. You can't give up hope." 

Kathryn could only shake her head in response.


	3. Chapter 3

Kathryn was sitting in her temporary quarters looking at the view of the Starfleet Headquarters gardens from her window. She was attempting to calm herself down, but every time she closed her eyes, Chakotay's face came to her and she was filled with rage. She knew it wasn't fair to be so angry with him, but she just couldn't help it. Voyager was her baby. She had been built with Kathryn in mind as her captain. Kathryn had lived and breathed Voyager during the long months of her construction. She had memorized the blueprints and knew every single last detail about her ship. It had been like coming home the first time she sat in the center seat and she had been so eager to get out there and explore with her sleek little ship. But now she was Chakotay's ship.

It didn't matter whether she ever regained her memories or not. If she didn't, then she would likely never command a ship again. She was seven years behind the times, the majority of her command experience was wiped from her mind, and besides, her celebrity meant that she would be a tempting target for too many Federation enemies. She would only be useful as a publicity tool for Starfleet. If she did regain her memories, then a promotion to admiral awaited her. The admiralty needed her badly. Too many good people had been killed in the war while others had disgraced themselves with their shameful conduct. Kathryn, however, was just the person they needed. She had apparently made quite a few questionable decisions, but her obvious attempts to remain true to Starfleet ideals, along with all of her accomplishments and the experience she had gained in the Delta Quadrant made her the perfect candidate for the admiralty. Too bad Captain Braxton had stolen all of that away from her.

He had rendered her useless and now Chakotay had been promoted to captain and Voyager was his. She had only captained Voyager for two weeks. It wasn't nearly enough. She had lost Voyager to the Maquis captain she had set out to capture and she couldn't quite believe it. Voyager's loss hurt too much, just as much as Mark's loss hurt. She still couldn't bring herself to talk to Mark again and she still couldn't bring herself to go back to Voyager to tour the ship and pack up her belongings.

She hadn't wanted to even be on the bridge during the landing two days before. She had told Chakotay that he should give the final orders, since he was now in command of Voyager and this moment actually held significance for him, but Chakotay had refused, looking quite stricken. He had insisted that she sit in the big chair during the landing and give the final order to bring the ship down. She had done it mainly to get him to stop his reproachful looks. According to him, once she recovered her memories, she would forever be grateful that she had been there for that moment. Apparently, she had once told him that in her darkest times, she visualized landing the ship on Earth in order to give herself the impetus she needed to keep going.

"This is your moment of triumph, Kathryn! This is what you've worked for and sacrificed so much for. We won't really be home unless it's you that brings us home."

She had barely refrained from rolling her eyes, but she landed the ship and she also attended the family party despite all of the curious and pitying looks she received from the family members and Starfleet brass in attendance. Starfleet had been forced to publicly acknowledge her condition through a press release before the landing, although the details of what had caused her condition were being kept strictly classified. The Doctor still hadn't made any progress and she had gone straight from the family party to Starfleet Medical to be poked and prodded by countless specialists for most of the last two days. Her mother had accompanied her, hovering over her in a way she never had before.

Kathryn's memories, experiences, skills, training, and education up until the mission to capture Chakotay's cell appeared to be whole and intact. Her brain was able to store and retain new information and skills, but the lost seven years remained completely inaccessible. The engrams were still there, but somehow phased so that she couldn't access them. It made absolutely no sense to anyone and she was required to report to Starfleet Medical twice a week to have her memory tested. While the specialists and the Doctor continued to work on the problem, Starfleet had made its decisions today.

Admiral Hayes had called her and Chakotay to his office earlier and informed them that Chakotay was to be reinstated to Starfleet with the rank of captain and he was now officially and permanently in command of Voyager. She hadn't been able to stop the little cry of protest from escaping her. Chakotay just sat there like a lump on a log, not meeting Kathryn's eyes. She hadn't seen him since the family party and he looked deeply exhausted and weary, as if he carried the weight of the world on his shoulders. She rushed back to her quarters to avoid talking to him. She was so angry at him that she didn't trust herself around him. He had her ship and it didn't even mean anything to him.

She had lost everything that meant anything to her. Mark and the promise of a family of their own were gone and he had also taken her dog with him. Her ship was gone. Her senior staff, hand-picked by her, were all dead with the exception of young Ensign Kim. The hope of a future command was gone. A devastating war had been fought during her absence and many of her close Academy friends were casualties of that war-her mother had reluctantly listed the names of the dead in between tests at Starfleet Medical. The war had also taken her little house. The entire neighborhood had been destroyed during the Breen attack. Even her long hair was gone. Kathryn hugged her knees to her chest tightly. It wouldn't be so bad if she could still be of use, but she wasn't needed, not with this damned memory loss. They all wanted the Delta Quadrant Captain Janeway, not her. That bastard Braxton was a genius. He couldn't have chosen a more perfect form of punishment for her.

Kathryn brushed the tears away. No, this wallowing wouldn't do at all. Wallowing led to depression and dangerous thoughts. There was still her mother to think of. Poor Gretchen. She was torn between joy at having Kathryn back and horror at what had happened to her in the supposed safety of Earth's orbit. She owed it to her mother to at least pretend to make the most of this situation. The semblance of a plan began to form and Kathryn's mood lifted a little. What she needed to do was research everything about this Braxton. She might be able to find something the doctors and specialists had missed. She would start with her attack. She sat at her desk and requested the surveillance logs for the attack and then banged her desk in fury and frustration. She was being denied access to the logs and the computer informed her that Captain Chakotay had been the one to block her. Kathryn pulled the new gray uniform jacket back on and hastily ran her fingers through her hair, once more restored to its red color. She rushed out of her quarters determined to have it out with Chakotay once and for all.

Unfortunately, she discovered at Headquarters that Chakotay had just left for McKinley Station to oversee Voyager's docking. Kathryn left him a strongly worded message and wandered down to the main cafeteria, frustrated beyond belief, but reluctant to return to the loneliness of her quarters. She sat down with a salad and managed to pick at it for a few moments before being interrupted.

"Captain Janeway. I am pleased to have found you here." Seven of Nine was standing before Kathryn holding a tray in her hands.

"Oh, hello, Seven of Nine." Reluctantly, Kathryn gestured toward the empty seat across from her. "Would you like to join me?"

"Yes, I would." She sat down and faced Kathryn, ignoring her food. "How are you feeling, Captain? I am aware that the Doctor has still not been able to find a way to restore your memories."

"No, he hasn't. I guess I'm doing as well as can be expected. How are you? Are you enjoying Earth life?"

"No, it is most unpleasant, but that is what I always expected. You idealized Earth and attempted to convince me that I would also enjoy it here, but you were wrong." Her tone left no doubt that she thought Kathryn had been wrong about many other things. Kathryn set her fork down. Seven had managed to capture her full attention.

"Oh? How so?"

"There are many and varied reasons. I do not enjoy being subject to the weather of this planet. Earth's climate control system is sufficient to create a more temperate climate year-round. I do not understand why the populace prefers to live with this constant dreariness."

"Yes, San Francisco is known for it's gloominess. You know, climate control has been a matter of debate for decades. It all boils down to-"

"Furthermore," Seven continued, speaking loudly over Kathryn, "I do not like having to deal with the bureaucracy of Starfleet. While you insisted on following Starfleet procedures on Voyager, you were always flexible if the ship required it. That is not the case here. I believe that I could be of great assistance in researching your condition, but I am not allowed to help because I am not a doctor or a member of Starfleet. That is what Admiral Nechayev claims, but I know the true reason is that she and the other admirals do not trust me despite your many reports to the contrary. It is offensive to deny my help for such an objectionable reason."

"I can see how-"

"Furthermore, I feel that I no longer have a sense of purpose. On Voyager, I benefited the crew by working in Astrometrics and sharing my extensive scientific knowledge with you. We were all united in the common goal to get Voyager home. Now, I have no purpose."

"Oh, Seven, I understand exactly how you-"

"In addition, I find it very difficult to deal with the people here. It was also difficult on Voyager, but the crew became accustomed to me and accepted me, especially since you insisted that I should be given work to do that would benefit the ship and crew. Here, I am an object of curiosity or revulsion or both. I am constantly asked offensive questions about my past as a Borg drone. My aunt insists that I go stay with her at her home, but I feel apprehensive about doing so because she constantly speaks of my childhood and parents while refusing to acknowledge my Borg past. I was Borg and that fact should be acknowledged while not overshadowing what and who I am now." 

Seven paused to take a breath and Kathryn decided against trying to interject a comment.

"I am also confused about my relationships with members of Voyager's crew now that our mission is completed. You were always available to me and I tried to live up to your expectations, but now you no longer remember me or the progress I have made. The Doctor was always my friend, but now that I am trying to grow and become more human without him, he has withdrawn from me." Seven's voice faltered and for the first time she broke eye contact. "And I don't know what to do about a romantic association I unwisely began. I don't know what my future holds and I don't want to be tied to this person, but I also don't want to hurt him. He is a good and kind man and he is also having difficulty adjusting to life on Earth." Seven lapsed into silence.

"You should tell your friend just what you told me, Seven. I'm sure if he cares about you, he will understand. And I'm sure he has friends who can help him." Seven's eyes flickered to Kathryn and then back to her plate.

"Perhaps. You once promised you would take me to Bloomington to see your home." Kathryn took a bite of her salad, feeling resentful. She was going to have to take her to Bloomington in order to make good on her forgotten invitation, but she didn't want to. Seven obviously had a lot of problems, but so did Kathryn. The last thing she needed was to add Seven's problems to her own.

"You're still welcome to come. Maybe this weekend?"

"You are lying," Seven said flatly. "I have enhanced senses that allow me to identify when you lie. Chakotay has been attempting to help me be more positive. He says that what Braxton did to you isn't as bad as it could have been. He says that what the Cardassians did to his family was worse, but he is wrong. You may as well be dead to me. You don't know me anymore. You don't remember facing down the Borg Queen in order to bring me back home to Voyager. You don't remember playing Velocity with me. You don't remember arguing with me. You don't know me anymore and you were the only one who ever truly believed in me. Even Chakotay attempted to airlock me from the ship and often advocated for you to desert me, but you always refused because you saw my potential and you refused to give up on me, even when I disobeyed your orders. It would have been better for you to have been assimilated by the Borg. At least the Borg don't take away memories. I should have killed Braxton when I had the chance. That is what he did to you. He killed you." Tears were streaming down Seven's cheeks, but she jerked away when Kathryn attempted to place her hand on her shoulder. "I don't wish to see you anymore. It hurts to talk to you."

She stood and left, wiping her face with an arm. Kathryn covered her mouth with her hand. She had thought Seven's cold countenance was all that there was to the young woman, but she had badly misjudged her. She tapped her comm badge.

"Janeway to Voyager EMH."

"EMH here."

"Doctor, am I correct in thinking that you are friends with Seven of Nine?"

"Yes, you are," the Doctor responded warily.

"Well, please leave your duties as soon as you can to go check on her. We just had a conversation in the cafeteria and she became very distraught and left."

"I see. May I ask what the cause was?"

"My condition."

"Very well. I'll do my best. EMH out."

She was emotionally drained. Wearily, she dragged herself back to her quarters. She was supposed to attend a counseling session with Deanna Troi this afternoon, but the thought of it made her even more tired. She grabbed a padd and crawled into bed. Quickly she sent a message canceling the appointment and then scanned her inbox. Mark had sent yet another message that she deleted without opening. She went ahead and played Chakotay's message. It had been recorded in her ready room on Voyager and he looked even more tired than he had that morning.

"I got your message and I'll talk to you about it when I get back." He laid his hand on a stack of padds on the desk and sighed. "It might need to wait until tomorrow. I'm sorry about that, but I don't think I'll get back until late tonight. You don't need to worry about investigating the attack, though, Captain. Admiral Nechayev is taking care of that. Debriefings are starting day after tomorrow and Admiral Paris wants you present at every session. I need to prep you for the first session tomorrow, so please study all of your logs related to the Caretaker and be ready to discuss them with me tomorrow morning."

No, she wasn't going to study her logs. What was the point? As Seven had said, Braxton had essentially killed her. She might as well take a nap. Chakotay had neatly stepped into her place and she wasn't needed anymore.


	4. Chapter 4

Someone pounding on her door woke her. Kathryn ignored it and pulled her pillow over her head, hoping to get back to sleep. Her visitor was insistent, but Kathryn merely snuggled down under her blanket more comfortably. She had managed to almost doze off, feeling pleasantly cozy, when her blanket was yanked off her.

"Get up right now, Kathryn. I'm not putting up with this ever again." Kathryn was dazed, still not fully awake, and she could only gape at Chakotay in disbelief for a second.

"What the hell? Get out! I didn't give you permission to come in here!" 

She sat up and realized she was only wearing a tank top and panties. She scrambled out of bed and found her bathrobe lying on the floor. He didn't have the decency to look away while she pulled it on.

"You should be grateful it's only me in here and not the entire psych evaluation team. They're out there waiting in the hall, by the way. I'll just go and let them in on my way out, if that's what you want."

"Psych evaluation team!?" 

Kathryn stalked to her front door and activated the security monitor. Chakotay was telling the truth. There were four officers she didn't know standing out there along with Deanna Troi and Voyager's EMH. Kathryn was mortified. She wanted to tell them all to go to hell and take Chakotay with them, but that would probably end up with her at Starfleet Medical.

"If you agree to talk to me and then show up at Medical later today for the counseling session and check-up you canceled, they have agreed to leave."

"And if I don't?"

"Then they'll just come in and do their magic, whether you want them to or not."

"I could resign from Starfleet. Then no one would have the right to tell me what to do."

"You're right. Go ahead and do it. At least then you would show some initiative instead of just moping around and avoiding everyone who cares about you. Do you have any idea what you're putting your mother through?"

"My mother is none of your bus-"

"Yes, she is my business because I'm Voyager's captain and it's my responsibility to look out for the welfare of her crew and their families and also because I'm your friend. At least I used to be."

"I'm well aware that you are Voyager's captain, no need to remind me, but you're not my friend. I don't remember that, so it never happened. It's not part of my reality."

"I'm not here to debate with you. Will you talk to me and go to your appointments today or should I call them in?" 

Chakotay pointed to the door. Kathryn resentfully sat at the small dining table. Chakotay was fractionally more acceptable than a host of mental health professionals and doctors.

"Fine, I'll talk to you." 

Chakotay tapped his comm badge. "Chakotay to Voyager EMH. Captain Janeway has agreed to the conditions. You and your team can stand down."

"EMH here. Understood. We'll be waiting for her at Medical."

Chakotay went to the replicator and tapped in some requests. He set a large plate of sandwiches, a pile of brownies, and a pot of coffee on the table and then sat down across from her.

"We've been monitoring your replicator usage, so don't bother telling me you've eaten. Now go ahead and eat. As charming as your personality isn't when you're starving yourself, I'd rather talk to you with some food in you."

She had already poured herself some coffee and now she put her free hand over the top of the mug to keep herself from flinging it in his face. What right did he have to talk to her like this? Chakotay picked up a sandwich and swallowed it down in three bites. Then he started on a second one. Kathryn picked one up and slowly took a few bites. Soon, her appetite was awakened and she picked up another sandwich while Chakotay wolfed down a third and then started in on the brownies.

"Do you always eat like that?" she finally asked. He had polished off the brownies, not even leaving her one bite. He looked down at the empty plate.

"Sorry. I was really hungry. It's been incredibly stressful and I haven't been eating regular meals. I can replicate some more brownies."

"No, thank you." 

Kathryn sipped her coffee and the headache she hadn't even been aware of began to ease. Chakotay stretched out in his chair.

"Can we talk now?" he asked. 

Kathryn shrugged.

"What is there to talk about?" 

Chakotay sighed and rubbed the back of his neck.

"I can make a list, but let's start with this seclusion of yours. This is a bad habit of yours and it can't continue. You've been holed up in here for three days now and ignoring all attempts at communication. We should have started debriefings yesterday, but now we are delayed thanks to you."

"You don't need me there. You have my logs."

"You need to be there in order to learn what happened. It doesn't matter if you don't remember, these are still the things you did. They are part of you and you need to accept that. You accomplished a lot, Kathryn. Sometimes you made mistakes, sometimes you achieved true greatness. I was honored to be at your side and I would still like to be there, helping you through this." Kathryn shook her head and pressed her lips together. "What is it, Kathryn?"

"Seven of Nine, the other day. She said Braxton killed me. She's right. I-"

"No, she isn't!" Chakotay said sharply. "Seven is having a lot of problems right now. You probably don't know this, but she had an implant removed just before our return. It's affecting her emotional control. If we had just remained on Voyager, she would probably be all right, but the return to Earth and your attack are overwhelming her. She idolizes you and this situation is killing her. She doesn't know how to deal with it or how to rebuild her relationship with you."

"You see, Chakotay, that's part of the problem. Do you know how intimidating it is to be told that someone idolizes me? I don't know that young woman and yet I seem to have such influence over her emotional well-being."

"I can understand that. It's easier to hide in here and avoid interacting with everyone or learning about your lost memories. That's why you haven't once accessed your logs, isn't it?" Kathryn didn't respond. She poured herself some more coffee and reached for another sandwich.

"This isn't the first time you've hidden yourself away like this, you know. You isolated yourself in your quarters for two months around two years ago. Voyager was in a very quiet part of space and you had nothing to distract you or keep you busy, so you became depressed. You always were depressed to some extent, but you let it get the better of you that time. You left me to deal with everything while you sat in your quarters in the dark and brooded."

The bitterness in his voice was unmistakeable. Kathryn really looked at Chakotay for the first time since she had awakened in sickbay to this new and terrible reality. He was distractingly handsome, but he looked ill. He had deep bags under his eyes, his complexion was pallid, and his shoulders were slumped. It hadn't once occurred to her until now that he was most likely not only taking over her duties, but those of Tuvok, Paris, and Torres. Most of the senior staff was unavailable due to medical reasons or parental leave. That was why Starfleet had so quickly reinstated his commission and promoted him. She had very briefly wondered about that before letting herself become engulfed in rage, but now it was obvious. She tried to put herself in his place, imagining what it must have been like for him. There must be so much he was having to do. Even the completion of a routine mission involved copious hoops to jump through for Starfleet. Voyager's return must be a nightmare. The personnel issues alone would be extensive. Then there would be the logs, the data they must have gathered along the way, and the new technologies they had brought back with them that Kathryn only vaguely knew about.

"How are you doing it all, Chakotay? I didn't realize until now, but how in the world are you even keeping track of everything? I know how overwhelming the end of a routine mission is and Voyager must be so much worse. How are you doing it all by yourself?" 

Chakotay smiled at her sadly.

"I'm not doing it all by myself. You're helping me. You planned for everything, Kathryn. You left me detailed explanations of everything I would need to do."

"I did?"

"In case you were killed and I had to bring Voyager home. But you weren't killed. You're still here. You're okay."

He seemed to be trying to convince himself and he raised one hand, almost as if he were going to touch her, but then he lowered it. There was suddenly a different sort of tension in the room that Kathryn couldn't quite understand and she spoke in order to break it.

"I'm sorry, Chakotay. I haven't been behaving in a very captainly manner, have I? My father would be ashamed. He taught me better. Well, I'll be better now. I'll go to the debriefings. And after-" She shook her head. "I don't know."

"Don't worry about it yet. You can't make any decisions about your life yet, not until you've taken the time to come to terms with everything that's happened. That's what I've been telling everyone else from Voyager and it applies to you, too."

They smiled at each other and for the first time, she felt that Chakotay truly was her friend. What a calming person he was.

"Can I make some suggestions?" he asked with a smirk.

"Sure."

"Call your mom and then call your sister. Phoebe told me she was ready with a bucket of water if I couldn't get you out of bed. She said I should ask you to explain that to me."

Kathryn winced.

"Maybe another time." The pain of Justin's and Daddy's deaths now somehow seemed to be wound together with Mark's betrayal. Two lost fiancees. Phoebe was just trying to be funny, she had no idea how much it all hurt Kathryn.

"I'm sorry, I thought that would make you laugh. Phoebe was laughing."

"I know, don't worry about it. I'll call them right now and then I'll get cleaned up and then I guess it's off to Medical."

"Take your time. I'll just eat and rest a little while you get ready."

"Really, you're still hungry?" He shrugged sheepishly and she laughed. She paused to squeeze his shoulder on her way to the bedroom and missed the way his eyes closed at her touch.


	5. Chapter 5

Kathryn was incapable of doing anything halfheartedly. Her decision to participate in the debriefings meant that she was soon immersed in her logs. She was devastated to learn that she had made the decision to destroy the Caretaker's array and strand them all out there. While she understood why she had done it, she couldn't help but feel terribly guilty for everything that her people had suffered as a result of that decision. She began eating in the cafeteria in an effort to get to know these people better. Even though they all had replicators in their own quarters, most of the crew preferred eating together at the Headquarters cafeteria. It was an ordeal for Kathryn, at first. She was the captain, after all, and while it was obvious her crew loved and respected her, they weren't accustomed to having her join them at their tables and they didn't know exactly how to treat her because of her memory loss. Getting them to reminisce was the key to breaking the ice. She would sit down with her tray and ask about something that had come up in her logs. It was a successful tactic.

"Tell me about leola root," she would say and the table would immediately erupt into laughs and groans as they tried to talk over each other. Soon they became comfortable enough to do a little gossiping around her and one evening she heard a fascinating little bit of information she just had to ask Chakotay about. They were spending a great deal of time together preparing for each debriefing session. The review board had already chosen the specific incidents they wanted to review. In order to prepare for the incident to be discussed, she and Chakotay listened to her official log, then Chakotay's, then Tuvok's. It was fascinating to hear three different versions of the same event and then discuss it together.

Chakotay was staying in her quarters until late each night, his feet propped on her coffee table and jacket tossed on the back of the couch, while they talked about anything that came into their heads. Their discussions generally started with the incident under review and then branched out from there. Chakotay knew her very well, but Kathryn wanted to get to know him just as well and she asked him countless questions about himself. Chakotay didn't seem to mind her curiosity at all. In fact, he seemed to enjoy the attention and she couldn't help but notice the way his eyes strayed to her hair or other parts of her anatomy when she bent to pick up a dropped padd or turned to get coffee from the replicator. For her part, she couldn't seem to keep her eyes to herself either and she wondered what it had been like to sit next to him on the bridge everyday. She wondered about a lot of things. On this particular night, while Chakotay worked on organizing the stacks of padds on her coffee table, her mind strayed to a conversation she had had with the Doctor a few days earlier.

There was something in particular she wanted to know about, but she decided to be circumspect with the Doctor and when he had finished his memory checks with her, she spoke up.

"I wanted to ask you about my health. I've noticed differences in my body and I want to know why."

"Of course, Captain. What exactly do you want to know?"

"My back bothers me more than it used to. Did I aggravate my old Academy injury?"

"Ah. No, you didn't. That is the result of the partial assimilation you endured a little less than a year ago."

"I see." Kathryn cleared her throat. "By assimilation, you mean-"

"Borg assimilation. You, Commander Tuvok, and Lieutenant Torres deliberately allowed yourselves to be assimilated in order to help certain Borg drones."

"Oh. The Unimatrix Zero mission. That's on the list of debriefing items."

"Of course it is, especially my role in that little adventure. I developed a neural suppressant that prevents an individual's mind from joining the Collective. Impressive work, if I do say so myself."

"Ah. What exactly is wrong with my back?"

"The remaining Borg spinal clamps irritate your spinal cord. They can be removed, but recovery requires at least a week of bed rest and limited physical activity for approximately a month afterward. You refused the surgery since you weren't willing to be so physically compromised for such an extended period of time. It's actually something I've been meaning to talk to you about. Would you consider the surgery now?"

"Yes, but after the debriefings." Kathryn's skin was crawling. "What else do I have in my body?"

"Just the spinal clamps. You were only partially assimilated, so I was able to remove everything else. You don't even have a single nanoprobe swimming around in you."

"I appreciate your thoroughness." 

She was almost tempted to ask if he had a picture of her as a Borg, but decided that she wasn't ready to see something like that yet. She still remembered the horrifying images of Picard as Locutus and she didn't need to see herself violated in such a way.

"What else would you like to know?"

"Tuvok and Torres are also all right?"

"Yes, they are."

"Good. Well, something else I've noticed is that my body has changed. I've lost some muscle tone and I've gained some weight around my middle."

The Doctor rolled his eyes at that and made an irritated noise.

"The last time I brought that up to you, you threatened to reprogram me completely bald and with hair growing out of my nose. But I'm glad you brought it up. You're not the only one with that particular problem. Almost the entire crew has put on weight and let me tell you, the head of Starfleet Medical is not happy about it. You're all going to have to lose weight before you can be given new assignments."

"Really, that many of us? Why did we all gain weight?"

"Neelix is partly to blame. No, I take that back, it was just the nature of our situation. We had to limit replicator use in order to conserve energy, so we gathered food supplies either from uninhabited planets or through trade with other species we encountered along the way. Neelix prepared the food with the goal of providing maximum caloric value. It was necessary because sometimes it was feast or famine. There were periods of time when we had to ration food and periods of time when we had more than enough, so your bodies learned to cling to every calorie over time. In your personal case, Captain, you didn't help yourself with your atrocious personal care. You worked too much, you didn't get enough sleep, you didn't get enough exercise, you skipped too many meals, and you didn't do anything to relieve your stress. Now that we're home, things are going to change. I expect you to cut back on the cof-"

Kathryn hastily interrupted him. "I have another question. Is my contraceptive booster up to date?"

"A very responsible question, Captain. No, it is not. You stopped taking your booster three years ago during a very severe energy shortage. You didn't see the point in wasting the replicator rations when you didn't actually need the booster."

"I didn't? Of course not." It looked like she was going to have to be more direct in order to find out what she really wanted to know. "I wasn't sexually active then? I mean, after I learned that my fiance had married someone else?"

"Well, I'm not exactly sure, Captain. You never requested medical clearance from me to be with an alien and you definitely did not engage in intimate relations with any of the crew. You were very adamant about the fact that as captain it would be inappropriate for you to do so. You did have a relationship with a hologram called Michael Sullivan, but I don't know exactly how far that went. You were very coy when I asked you about it. Now, I do believe something may have happened a few months ago with an alien you met during your experience on Quarra." At her questioning look, the Doctor said, "It's a long story. Most of the crew, including you, were abducted and your memories were changed. Anyway, you would have to ask Commander Chakotay about that. He was the one who went and rescued you. Would you like me to give you a booster now, Captain? Has someone caught your eye?"

"What? No! I just lost my fiance!" She didn't know what to think about what the Doctor had just told her. She definitely didn't believe in dating crewmates, not after Justin, and she certainly wouldn't have done so anyway, not while there was any hope of being with Mark again. But she couldn't deny the attraction she felt for Chakotay and she was positive he reciprocated. Had they really never acted on it? She thought about the dimples and the way he tugged on his ear and ducked his head. "Go ahead and give me a booster anyway. Better safe than sorry."

"All right then. Just a second." The Doctor left his office and returned shortly, quickly injecting her with a hypospray.

"There you go, you're good to go for the next six months. Just in case you're wondering, your reproductive system is in top shape, if I do say so myself, and you have a viable supply of ova stored in stasis."

"Okay. That's good to know, I guess. Is there anything else I need to know about, injuries or illnesses?"

"Hmm, a few. You were almost killed from an injury you sustained when you were on the Borg cube in Borg space." Borg cube? Was this when she was assimilated or another separate incident? She decided to let that slide for now. "But I was able to save your life, as usual. You were almost killed in a shuttle crash with Commander Chakotay when a noncorporeal alien invaded your mind, but I was able to get rid of it. Oh, of course, you and Commander Chakotay both contracted a disease from an insect bite. That was fairly early in our voyage. Now, that one stumped me. I never was able to find a cure. We had to leave you both behind on the planet where you contracted the disease. Something about the planet's atmosphere kept the disease in remission."

"What do you mean you had to leave me behind?"

"You and Commander Chakotay," the Doctor corrected, nodding his head. "Exactly what I mean. We left you on the planet with plenty of supplies, scientific equipment, and even a shuttle, so that you could come and find us if you found a cure."

"I've never heard of anything more ridiculous! Who's harebrained idea was it to abandon the captain and the first officer?"

"Yours. None of us wanted to do it, but I couldn't find a cure and as long as you were on the planet you were healthy. You wouldn't hear of having us stay there to continue working on a cure and adding time to the journey home. You were always very single-minded about getting the ship home, no matter what personal sacrifices you had to make. The only other option I could come up with was to contact the Vidiians and you and Chakotay weren't willing to take the risk."

"Vidiians? Oh, the species with the phage."

"That's right, horrible species for the most part, but highly advanced medically. They would have killed every person on Voyager for their organs and other assorted body parts if given half the chance. Anyway, we left you behind and continued on with Tuvok as captain, but Ensign Kim and the crew convinced him to contact the Vidiians. As it turns out, they did have a cure and we were able to go back and get you and you no longer carry that disease."

"How long were we gone?"

"Just three months."

"Is there anything else I should know about my medical history?"

"No, just assorted accidents and illnesses, but nothing that would currently affect you. Now, I would recommend that you begin an exercise program and adopt a healthy eating plan. Just choose the nutritional plan you like best from your replicator. You may as well get a head start on Dr. T'Val's order. And cut back on the cof-"

"Thank you for your time, Doctor. I'll see you tomorrow."

Kathryn watched Chakotay now as they relaxed in her quarters and speculated once more about what had happened on that planet with just the two of them. He had not mentioned it to her yet and she was very circumspect in her logs. Had they perhaps gotten closer? But there was something else she wanted to know.

"Chakotay, I was eating dinner tonight with some of the crew members from Stellar Cartography and I heard the most interesting gossip."

"The Delaney sisters. I'll just bet you did." He grinned at her and there were those dimples. She watched him carefully for his reaction as she continued.

"Mm. They said that you and Seven and are dating."

It was immediate. Chakotay's face turned red and he turned away from her.

"Did they now?"

"They did. I knew Seven was seeing someone, but she never named names. I was surprised that you had never mentioned it to me. You've been spending so much time with me that I didn't think you were involved with anyone."

"I'm not. Not anymore. We just had a few dates. It wasn't serious. It was nothing. I'm sorry. I should have told you about it when we first started dating." 

He wasn't meeting her eyes at all and was clearly extremely uncomfortable.

"You don't need to be sorry. It's not as if I would remember it anyway."

"I just want you to know that I always treated Seven with respect. I know how much you care about her. Cared about her. Anyway, it's late. I'd better go."

Bewildered, she watched him gather up his belongings and leave. She had thought the conversation would go very differently. She had been almost positive that Seven had long ago ended whatever was between them based on the conversation she and Seven had had that memorable day in the cafeteria. She had planned on teasing Chakotay about his poor broken heart and perhaps she might have offered to help console him. It was obvious she had misjudged things yet again and was badly out of practice when it came to flirting.

Things didn't improve over the next few days. Seska became the topic of the debriefings and Chakotay became even more morose. Kathryn worsened matters by incredulously blurting out, "You were sleeping with her and you didn't once realize she was a Cardassian spy?" She immediately regretted it and apologized profusely, but the damage was done. It was painful listening to their logs related to Seska. Kathryn's logs did not contain any unduly harsh or negative comments toward Chakotay, but she did talk at length about how inappropriate his dalliance with Seska had been, even if it had been a Maquis ship, and how no good could ever come from a captain consorting with a subordinate. Tuvok's logs described his consternation at not having realized what Seska was. Chakotay's logs were filled with self-loathing, horror, and a vehement desire to restore the respect he had lost with Kathryn.

"You don't still feel that way, do you?" she asked him with concern.

"Kathryn, what happened with Seska was bad. We haven't even gotten to the worst of what she did yet. We lost crew members because of her, we would have lost the ship if it hadn't been for Tom, all because I was fool enough to sleep with her and let her get under my skin. She used everything she learned about me in order to manipulate me."

"But Chakotay-"

"No, I'm not talking about this with you anymore. All I can do is once more tell you how very sorry I am for the entire situation."

"All right, I won't push you, but you are going to talk about this with your counselor, understood?"

"Fine," he said shortly.

Despite the setbacks with Chakotay, Kathryn thought she was doing well, all things considered. She hadn't given in to her depression again, the debriefings were satisfactory so far, she was getting to know her crew, and she was getting along with her sister during their daily comm calls. There still wasn't any progress with restoring her memories, but still, she was all right. She was on her way to the cafeteria with Chakotay and Harry Kim one evening when she heard a familiar bark. She looked down the hall and saw Mark coming toward her with Molly.


	6. Chapter 6

She stood and watched Mark and Molly approach her. Molly was lunging at her, her barks cut off as her collar bit into her neck.

"Kath. Can we talk?"

It was still a shock to see Mark with completely gray hair. The light reflected off his wedding ring as he attempted to control Molly.

"No. I think I've made that clear."

"Kathryn, come on, you haven't even opened any of my messages. I had no choice but to just show up here."

"I still haven't retrieved my belongings from Voyager, but when I do I'll make sure to return your ring to you."

"I don't care about the ring. I just want to talk to you."

She didn't respond, instead turning to blindly continue forward. Chakotay and Harry Kim were both looking at her with concern and then back at Mark and the hysterical dog. Molly was beginning to cause a scene. They were at Starfleet Headquarters after all, where dogs weren't normally found. Several officers who had been busily walking down the hallway had stopped to stare and a door slid open to allow a curious ensign to peer out at them. Kathryn kept walking, her heart pounding.

"That's it, after all we've been through?" Mark almost shouted after her. How odd to hear his voice raised like that. He had always been so calm and reflective. "You're not the only one suffering here, if that's what you're thinking! It was just as bad for me as it was for you after Justin died. Worse, because at least you had a body to bury."

Kathryn whirled around. She could feel the blood rushing to her face. "Don't you dare bring up Justin to me! You don't have any right!"

"I have every right! You know what it's like to be the one who was left behind, so why would you treat me like this? How would you feel if it was Justin who came back from the dead and he refused to have anything to do with you? Wouldn't you want to at least talk to him?"

"You can talk to your wife. I'm sure she's a lovely conversationalist."

"Damn it, I want to talk to you. You owe me at least that. How many times did I send you off on another mission, never knowing if it would be the last time I saw you? It was so easy for you to ship out and just leave your dog with me, no worries, no cares. You weren't the one who had to stay behind. You don't know what it was like not knowing what had happened to you. It was hell!" His voice was steadily rising and more and more heads were popping out of doors. "And your family was so upset. I had to be there for them, I had to take care of them. I had to take care of the puppies. She had twelve puppies. I had to bottle feed them and I don't even like dogs! Where were you when I was bottle feeding your damn puppies?! Having some exciting adventure, I'm sure, while I was picking up the pieces for you because I never stopped loving you. And now you can't be bothered to talk to me because I finally managed to find a little peace and happiness?"

He was openly crying. She had never seen him cry, not even when he almost drowned on Mars, not even when his father died. Mark had always been a self-possessed man. Kathryn abruptly realized she was crying too. Chakotay grabbed her by the elbow and steered her toward an empty room, his other hand on her lower back.

"I think you both need to just sit down and breathe for a minute, okay?"

They were in an empty conference room. Chakotay pushed her into a chair and she could see Harry doing the same with Mark.

"Let me take the dog."

Mark handed the leash to Chakotay and he and Harry left, Molly still trying to lunge at Kathryn even as Chakotay dragged her out of the room. There were only the sounds of sobs and sniffles for several minutes, but finally they subsided.

"I'm sorry, Mark. You're right, we should talk."

His head was in his hands, elbows propped on the table, and he didn't look up or respond to her. Kathryn began to talk, pouring her heart out to him as she hadn't been able to do with anyone since beginning this strange new life.

"I woke up in sickbay and my entire life changed. Seven years gone, just like that. I've lost everything, Mark. Everything. For me, it was less than two months ago that we were in bed together, making love, but you've already been married, what, three years? My mother and my sister call me everyday. They can't get enough of me, but I wish they would stop hanging on me so much because I haven't missed them. For me, it was only six weeks ago that we had Sunday dinner together. Phoebe's married now and a mother. She's different and so is Mom. I hurt them and I know it, but they're still driving me crazy with their calls everyday."

She was so tired. She laid her head down on the table, cushioning her head with her arm, and continued talking with her eyes closed.

"I'm so angry, Mark. I lost you and I lost Voyager. They gave her to Chakotay. He betrayed Starfleet and they still gave him my beautiful ship. I read my logs and I know that I would approve of him having my ship. In my logs, I say that he's the finest officer I've ever had the privilege to serve with, but I don't remember it. How can I believe it when I don't remember it? He's so kind to me, but I don't remember him. I don't remember any of them, but when I read my logs I know that I would die for them. I read my logs and I know that I would kill for them, but I don't even know all their names. I broke the temporal prime directive for them, but they're just strangers that I'm trying to get to know."

She sighed and rubbed her eyes with her fist.

"I did amazing things out there and I'm so angry I can't remember them. It's all in my logs. Sometimes I hated it out there. I resented all of the responsibility. But other times I loved it so much, it ached deep inside me. I couldn't believe it was me, little Katie Janeway, who got to be there in the Delta Quadrant seeing things no one else ever had. But I can't remember it. I only know all of that because it's in my logs. What was the point of it all? You know what stupid thing keeps bothering me right now? I just read the logs about an incident where we saw a series of supernovas. Multiple supernovas! I've always dreamed of seeing just one star go supernova, ever since I was a little girl. Well, I saw more than one, but I can't remember it!"

She began to cry again and Mark was suddenly by her side, pulling her onto his lap, and Kathryn let him. She buried her face into his chest and she cried for a long time. Mark cried with her and after awhile, he began to talk. He told her he refused to believe she was dead, how he was convinced he would somehow know it if she was dead, how he slept with Molly every night even though they had always fought about letting her into the bed, how he finally had to accept Starfleet's ruling of her death in order to keep his sanity, how he met a woman at work who had lost her husband at Wolf 359, how they had shared in their grief until one day they were both surprised to realize that when they were together, they were happy again. He told her of the joy he felt the day he learned that Kathryn was still alive, followed by his instant devastation at the knowledge that he hadn't had enough faith in her and how his wife's steadfast love helped him deal with it. He told her of holding his newborn baby in his arms and what it was like to watch her take her first tottering steps. And finally, he told her how very late one night, Molly had inexplicably begun howling. She had begun howling at the same moment that Voyager entered the Alpha Quadrant and she had been frantic to get to Kathryn ever since.

"You broke her heart when you just left like that with Chakotay. She's not eating. The vet has prescribed anti-depressants for her, but it's not helping. She's not the brightest dog I've ever known, but she knows what she wants."

Kathryn pulled her face away from his chest and swiped at her face with her uniform sleeve.

"She's not dumb, she's just spunky."

Mark gave a halfhearted smile at her rejoinder.

"What can I say, despite all your attempts to convert me, deep down I'm still a cat person."

"And your wife?"

"She loves dogs. She took one of Molly's puppies. That's how we first started getting to know each other."

"Molly really started howling when Voyager got home? How is that even possible?"

"I have no idea, but it's exactly what happened. Somehow, she knew you were back."

"Mark, I'm sorry about showing up at your house like that and then just leaving. I was so confused that day. I couldn't make sense of anything and I just wanted to get to you. I didn't believe Chakotay at all when he told me you had married someone else. I read the letter you sent me and I just couldn't believe it. It was such a shock to find out you married someone else."

Mark began to cry again. "I'm sorry, Kath, I'm so sorry, Kath."

"It hurts, Mark. You promised me I'd never be alone. You promised me you would always be with me."

"I know. I can't be with you in exactly that way anymore, but I'm still here and you're still alive. It's a miracle to have you back again. I love my wife, but I never stopped loving you. I still want you in my life. We can be friends, can't we? That's what we were first. We were always friends."

Kathryn thought about it. She imagined being in Mark's home and watching him with his wife and daughter and then she imagined never seeing him again, never joking with him, never trading books, never hearing his laugh, never seeing his exasperation with Molly. She remembered all the ways he had enriched her life and she saw herself one day going to his home with someone new, someone who loved only her, and she could already see Mark's pleased smile.

"Yes, I think we can be friends. But what about your wife?"

"She's eager to meet you. And she's sad, too. It brings up memories of her first husband and she wishes he would somehow show up too." A little wrinkle appeared between Mark's eyes, a signal Kathryn recognized well that told her Mark was philosophizing. Thoughtfully, he said, "Life is just messy, you know? I wished and wished for you to be in my arms just like this. It was all I could think of, and it has finally happened, but not exactly in the way I had wanted. It's a miracle to have you back again, a miracle. Life is too short, Kath, too precious for us to be angry with each other and to lose our friendship."

"Okay." She took his hand between hers and threaded their fingers together. "We've always been friends and we always will be. Just be patient with me, the way you've always been."

"Okay." They sat there for some time, enjoying their closeness, talking some more about little things, about the puppies, about Mark's work and Kathryn's debriefings before finally deciding to get up and go find Molly. They emerged from the conference room and people immediately averted their eyes. Kathryn was pretty sure she was a blotchy, tear-stained mess if Mark's face was any indication, but for once, she didn't care how she looked. What was more important was the inner sense of peace and lightness she suddenly had. Mark's loss and betrayal had been a jagged knot cutting her up inside every time she thought of him and now that knot was gone.


	7. Chapter 7

Resolving things with Mark left one other situation that Kathryn had been avoiding. She hadn't been back to Voyager since the general disembarkation after the landing. She needed to pack up her quarters and ready room and she needed to tour the ship. Deanna Troi was insisting on it. She had helped Kathryn come to the realization that she was avoiding returning to Voyager because in her mind, until she did so Voyager would always be the pristine ship she remembered, just waiting for her captain to come and claim her. Kathryn agreed with Counselor Troi that she needed to get the visit over with, but she just never got around to it. There were always so many things to do. There were the endless debriefings and crew evaluations with Chakotay, the crew to get to know, medical appointments, visits with her family, time spent with Molly, and the exercise the Doctor insisted on.

No, there just wasn't time, not until the night after a heated argument with Chakotay. He was outright refusing to let her see the surveillance footage of her attack. In his opinion, there was absolutely no reason for her to watch it and she should just let Admiral Nechayev and her team deal with the investigation. They could provide her with any information she wanted about the incident. Kathryn had marched out of their meeting room and gone straight to Nechayev, who had agreed with Chakotay's decision and offered to go over the available data with Kathryn. Neither one of them would acknowledge that viewing the footage would help her to regain some semblance of control and understanding over her life.

She was becoming increasingly frustrated. While it was fascinating to learn about the voyage, she was a woman of action. All of this sitting around listening to logs or talking about logs or helping Chakotay with the crew evaluations was beginning to drive her crazy. It was all so pointless. She wanted to do something. There was absolutely no progress being made on restoring her memories. She was a good scientist, why not let her examine the footage? She was sure she could find something that everyone else had missed. Let's face it, she was more competent and capable than most people. It was time for Nechayev and her team to step aside and let Kathryn get her hands dirty if they couldn't produce any results.

It was two in the morning, but Kathryn was too pumped up to even think of trying to sleep. She had gone for a run but she was still keyed up and she began pacing up and down the long hallway where the senior staff were housed. She was sick of staying on Starfleet grounds. She had been to Bloomington a few times, but had beamed directly to the house and not gone anywhere. Other than that dazed and confused trip to Mark's house, she hadn't been anywhere else. There was a whole army of reporters lying in wait for her and eager to get a glimpse of the "tragic Captain Janeway", so it was just easier to stay on Starfleet grounds. She prowled up and down the long hallway feeling as if she needed to do something. She passed Chakotay's door and gave it a glare, she passed Kim's door, and then Seven's door and frowned. She wasn't doing well at all and Kathryn was at a loss as to how help her. She passed the Doctor's door, treading more quietly so that he wouldn't hear her and come out to harangue her for not being in bed. She winced as she passed the Paris-Torres quarters and heard the baby's screams. Their baby had to be the loudest, crankiest baby ever. It was a mercy they weren't still on Voyager where there would have been no escape from the screams. The Doctor said it had something to do with the baby's hybrid DNA and immature digestive tract and that she would soon outgrow it, but that was little comfort at the moment.

Kathryn made her way back to the other end of the hall and contemplated rousing Chakotay so that they could argue some more. It would give her an outlet for her energy and she could listen to his voice. He had such a nice voice and way of phrasing his words, even when he was angry. The baby's screams suddenly became louder. B'Elanna Torres had emerged from her quarters with the baby strapped snugly to her chest in a soft sling. She wearily trudged up and down the hallway, barely nodding at Kathryn, occupied with making soothing noises to her daughter. Kathryn continued her own aimless walking. Torres and Paris were two crew members she hadn't dealt with very much. They were both very occupied with the baby and had the looks of two people who were barely keeping their heads above water. Tom's mother and sisters were often with them helping with the baby and Kathryn felt it was better not to intrude. The baby's cries were slowly lessening and at last the baby was quiet, but Torres kept walking. Actually, Kathryn realized belatedly, the only senior staff members she spent any significant time with were Chakotay and the Doctor. She rarely interacted with Kim, Seven avoided her as if she had the Tarellian plague, and Tuvok was still on Vulcan. Seven and Tuvok, she understood, but why hadn't she been spending more time with Torres, Paris, or Kim? The lower decks crew members were voluntarily spending time with her, inviting her to sit at their tables, and to exercise with her in the gym. Why not her senior staff?

"If I stop walking, she'll wake up," Torres said as they passed each other, interrupting Kathryn's thoughts. She nodded and then turned to walk in sync with Torres.

"I've got insomnia pretty bad tonight," she said.

"You did on Voyager too. You used to take tours of the ship sometimes. You'd give my staff heart attacks, until they got used to you just showing up and looking around."

"There's nothing like walking a ship during the night shift. You can really get a feel for her that way."

"I miss it. Voyager. Engineering. I used to go and just watch the warp core sometimes. It was soothing."

"Lieutenant," she said slowly, "How would you like to go tour Voyager with me right now?"

"Right now?" She looked down at the baby doubtfully and then at the tank top and pajama pants she was wearing.

"Right now. Just as we are." Kathryn gestured to her own tank top and leggings. "We'll take the baby and we'll have the place to ourselves."

"All right." Torres was smiling.

Chakotay was Voyager's captain now but Kathryn still had her command codes. It was easy to beam up to McKinley Station and then to Voyager. Torres took the lead, heading straight for Engineering and Kathryn followed along. Torres stroked the consoles in Engineering lovingly and told Kathryn where each of her staff had worked and then she proudly showed Kathryn the modifications she had made over the years. Her work was truly innovative and impressive. Kathryn hadn't yet studied all of Voyager's new technology, so most of the information was new to her. She asked questions and Torres eagerly went into detail. It was a delight to talk to her. Eventually, the baby began to fuss and they resumed walking, Torres talking until she was hoarse, telling Kathryn about whatever memories came to her when they entered different sections of the ship. Finally, they made their way to the bridge. Torres headed straight for the engineering console while Kathryn slowly walked to the center of the bridge.

She stared at the center seat for a long moment before sitting. She fit perfectly into the seat and she quietly savored the feeling for a moment before opening the center console and examining the readings. Everything looked satisfactory, so she closed it and then slowly examined the bridge. She tried to imagine what it would have been like to work with the unconventional senior staff she was still trying to get to know. She wished she could remember them, even just one moment together. Braxton was so cruel to have taken her memories of them away. He truly had smashed her triumph to pieces.

"Captain? Are you all right?"

Torres was sitting in the first officer's seat and looking at her with concern.

"Yes, just wishing I could remember even one minute."

"I wish you could too." She paused, adjusted the baby, and sighed. "I need to apologize, Captain. I should have been in Engineering on duty when you were attacked. I might have been able to get the transporters functional in time to get you to sickbay. If I had, the Doctor could have helped you. You would have your memories."

"Lieutenant -B'Elanna- you were giving birth. As I understand it, you had already made a difficult sacrifice by letting your husband leave your side to pilot the ship. I certainly wouldn't have expected you to be in Engineering."

"Tom feels guilty too. He thinks if he had been on the bridge, he could have stopped Braxton from hurting you. He's pretty angry with everyone who was on the bridge. He thinks they didn't do enough to protect you."

Well, maybe her little mystery was solved. They were all feeling guilt over what had happened to her.

"None of this is your fault at all or anyone else's fault. The only responsible party in any of this is Braxton. He's the only one I blame."

"It just doesn't make any sense. They're time travelers. Why didn't they take him away before he hurt you? They could have beamed him back before he even got near you."

"I guess we'll never know. Well, I'm going to pack. Can you believe I still haven't done that?"

Kathryn did the actual packing while B'Elanna attached the transponder labels to the boxes and large items. She didn't bother sorting through anything. It was too overwhelming. Instead, she just dumped everything into boxes. There would be plenty of time to go through it all later, when she was recovering from her back surgery. She keyed in the orders to have it all beamed to Bloomington and then it was time to go. It was funny, she thought as they beamed away. She was already healing from Mark's loss, but visiting Voyager hadn't done any good. It still hurt to lose her. If only she could remember.


	8. Chapter 8

Kathryn was a natural extrovert and had always enjoyed going to Starfleet functions. She liked to dress up, catch up with old friends, and meet new people. Tonight, however, was different. It was to be her first Starfleet event that didn't directly involve Voyager. It was just a simple reception to honor a planetary delegation considering Federation membership and everyone she talked to kept insisting that it wasn't necessary for her to attend. She didn't like the condescending tones she heard in Paris' and Nechayev's voices as they told her that it was perfectly fine for her to rest in her quarters while Chakotay represented Voyager. They obviously thought she wasn't up to the strain of schmoozing for a few hours and Kathryn was hopping mad about it.

She conceded that maybe she hadn't exhibited the most stable behavior since Voyager's return, but then, who besides a Vulcan would be able to remain untouched in her same circumstances? Really, she hadn't done very many terrible things. She had run away from the ship, she had stayed in bed for a few days, and she had had an emotional confrontation with her ex-fiance at Starfleet Headquarters. She hardly thought any of those things merited mollycoddling and she was determined to prove tonight that she was capable of resuming regular duties or even commanding another ship after the debriefings concluded. Voyager's loss rankled and she wasn't going to give up on the idea of another ship. Chakotay was escorting her to the reception and he arrived at her door promptly on time.

"Wow, you look stunning." He was looking her over appreciatively and Kathryn felt herself blush.

"You look good too. I think this is the first time I've seen you without a uniform or exercise clothes."

Kathryn had been annoyed about the Kar'Ri's insistence on formal wear. She felt that her attempt to prove herself fit and ready for duty would be more successful if she were in full uniform, but having Chakotay sneak glances at her as they walked to the reception was worth it. Chakotay in a suit also made it worth it. She kept admiring how broad his shoulders were in his suit jacket and how very nicely tailored his suit pants were. A fine fit indeed.

She had to admit it to herself. She had a crush on him. It was silly and she knew she shouldn't act on it yet, but she couldn't help her feelings. He was so handsome and kind and he cared about her. He wanted her. She could tell from all the little things he did for her and from listening to his log entries. He genuinely liked her and cared about her well-being and they had such good times together no matter what they were doing. She had never connected with anyone in so short a time as she had with Chakotay. It was too soon after Mark for her to seriously consider beginning another relationship and there were the debriefings still to finish up, but when they were finally free and on leave, she was going to ask him out on a date before someone else snapped him up.

The reception was just what she needed to shore up her confidence. She received many curious and pitying stares, but she waded into the crowd enthusiastically and soon had many of the attendees eating out of the palm of her hand. She noticed Chakotay at one point while she was laughing with a member of the Kar'Ri delegation. He was leaning against a wall watching her intently, the oddest expression on his face, almost longing or pain. His face immediately cleared when he saw her looking at him and she thought she must have been mistaken.

Eventually, Kathryn slipped away to a private balcony for a moment of quiet, but she was disappointed to discover that a man was already there. He was sprawled out comfortably in a chair with his feet up on the railing and she was interested to note that he was wearing a dress uniform. He was a captain, but she didn't recognize him.

"Hello, there. Are you trying to get some peace and quiet too?"

"No," he responded. He was looking up at the night sky and she looked at him more closely to try to identify him.

"I'm Captain Ka-"

"Don't bother, I know exactly who you are," he said, waving his hand dismissively at her.

"I didn't catch your name."

"No, you didn't. Introductions are so boring, don't you think?"

"Maybe, but they are necessary. What is your-"

"I don't like these new uniforms. White! It's so tedious. Have a seat, Kathy, and let's catch up."

He gestured toward the chair next to him and finally made eye contact with her. He had an interesting face, very expressive. Kathryn sat down and peered at the stranger.

"In order to catch up, it would be necessary for us to have met on a previous occasion. Have we met before?"

"Yes, we have and I'm wounded I didn't make a greater impression on you. I always thought we had a special relationship. We're practically family now!"

"I'm sorry, but I don't recall you at all. Perhaps you haven't heard, but I am suffering from a severe memory loss. You'll have to explain exactly how we know each other."

"How we know each other? Why, with typical human arrogance you went bumbling around in things you had no business interfering with and I was chosen to clean up your mess and we've been attached at the hip ever since."

"I beg your pardon?"

"You're so much more polite now that you don't remember anything. On Voyager you would already have been screeching at me to get off your ship, that you were too busy getting your crew home to spend time with me. I think Braxton did me a favor. Well, were all the sacrifices worth it, Kathy? Are you living happily ever after now? I'm truly curious."

Kathryn stood and placed her hands on her hips.

"Who the hell are you? How do you know about Braxton? I want answers and I want them now."

"Oh, goody, I like it when you get all fired up like this. And here comes the big oaf now. He likes to think he could actually protect you from me. It's adorable, really."

Chakotay stepped out onto the balcony, carefully caring two glasses of champagne. His face darkened when he saw the man next to Kathryn and he dropped the glasses in his haste to get to her side.

"Q! What are you doing here? Get away from her!"

"Q? You're Q?"

The man stood and gave a bow.

"At your service, my lovely captain. I don't believe I've told you just how beautiful you look tonight in the moonlight."

Kathryn was both alarmed and delighted to meet the infamous Q. Of course, she had been warned about him when she was first promoted to captain and she had heard enough about him from Chakotay and her logs at the debriefings. She had been very intrigued to learn about him, which annoyed Chakotay. She knew Q caused chaos wherever he went, but it wasn't every day she got to meet an omnipotent being, especially one who had once offered her the opportunity to explore whole new dimensions. She had wished she could remember knowing him and now she actually had the opportunity to make memories of her own. Chakotay had placed himself between her and Q, so she took a step around him to be able to talk to Q face to face.

"It's good to meet you again, Q. I regretted not being able to remember you. Do you have a purpose for being here? Is it the Continuum or your son? Do they need help?"

"No, no, the Continuum is fine and so is Junior, but thank you for asking. You really are more pleasant to be around now. I may have to go and thank Braxton. You should take some etiquette lessons from her, Chuckles."

Chakotay's jaw was clenched tightly and his voice was a low growl.

"Since you're here now, Q, why don't you make yourself useful? Fix what Braxton did to her. Give her her memories back."

"Why would I do that? I like her better the way she is now. She's not so uptight anymore and she hasn't once said anything about her crew or her ship. That was always tiresome." He clucked his tongue at Chakotay. "I'm surprised at you, Chuckles. I think you like her better this way, too. She wasn't very fun there at the end, was she?"

"Q, please. If there's any way, please help her. I will do anything, I will sacrifice anything, if you can help restore her memories."

Chakotay was pleading from the depths of his soul, but Q merely rolled his eyes and yawned. Kathryn placed her hand on Chakotay's chest to still him.

"Q, are you capable of restoring my memories?"

"Capable? Of course I'm capable. I'm Q, I can do whatever I want!"

"Then would you please restore my memories? What Braxton did to me is detestable."

Q seemed to take her request with more consideration than he had Chakotay's, but he shook his head.

"No, I won't. You wouldn't want me to. It's for the greater good."

"How is it for the greater good? What do you mean?"

"Oh, you wouldn't understand. Well, I must be going now. I just dropped by to say hello, Kathy, and to congratulate you on getting home. You did it without any help from me and you can get through this, too, without any help from me."

He placed his hands on her shoulders, gave her a quick kiss on her lips, and was gone in a flash of light.

"Bastard," Chakotay muttered.

"What in the world was that all about?" Kathryn asked, rubbing her lips with the back of her hand.

"Who knows. He never just comes out and says anything directly. I told you he was insufferable."

"Well, I'm glad I got to meet him."

"Hmph."

Chakotay tapped his comm badge and reported the visit to Admiral Hayes who was also at the reception and then he bent over and began picking up the shattered remnants of the champagne glasses he had dropped. Kathryn knelt to help him. Admiral Hayes arrived a moment later and they reported the conversation to him. He had nothing to add to their speculation and eventually, Chakotay and Kathryn left together and wound up in Kathryn's quarters drinking coffee.

"I'm sorry, Kathryn. I just hoped for a moment that Q would help you. But I still have every confidence in the Doctor. He's going to come up with the solution eventually. We just have to give him time."

Kathryn shrugged. She was trying hard not to give into her disappointment and despair over the lack of progress.

"Let's talk about something else, anything else," she said.

"Okay. I'm curious about something, but it's personal, so you don't have to answer."

"All right." Kathryn looked at Chakotay through her eyelashes, her heart beating a little faster.

"Who is Justin?"

"Oh." She quickly averted her face.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked. It's none of my business." Chakotay moved as if he were going to leave, but Kathryn put a hand on his knee to stop him, then quickly removed it.

"It's all right. Mark was loud enough for everyone at Headquarters to hear. Justin was my first fiance."

"You had another fiance?"

"Yes, when I was young. Twenty-two. We served together on the Al-Batani, but we were involved in a shuttle accident. He and my father were both killed. I was the only survivor. It was devastating."

"Oh, Kathryn, I'm so sorry. I had no idea, you never said anything. I knew about the shuttle accident, but not that you had also lost your fiance. Two fiances."

Chakotay tenderly squeezed her hand.

"I haven't been very lucky in love, that's for sure, but neither have you."

"Excuse me?"

"You'd be married if you had been lucky in love. You're not, so you're not. Unless marriage isn't a goal for you."

"It would be, for the right woman. The timing's never been right."

They were sitting very close together and he was still holding her hand. His lips were so beautifully shaped.

"So the timing's been wrong, but that makes me think you found the right woman."

He didn't respond to that, but his eyes were burning into hers and electricity seemed to be crackling in the air. Goosebumps broke out on her arms and she licked her lips. He licked his lips too, never taking his gaze away from her. He seemed to be holding back, so she took the initiative, leaning forward and pressing her lips against his. Her heart was pounding. She hadn't planned on doing this at all, she was going to wait until after debriefings, but he had such a pull on her and he was attracted to her too. He hadn't been able to keep his eyes off her all night. Chakotay eagerly deepened the kiss, slipping his tongue between her lips. She reached up to place her hands in his hair, but he abruptly pulled away, gasping and shaking his head.

"No, Kathryn."

"No?" She was gasping too and shaking all over. A first kiss had never affected her like this before. "Why?" she asked plaintively.

He stood up and stepped away from her, his face flushed.

"This isn't what we do. You're my captain. You're my best friend."

"But you want more. I can tell. I can feel it, I've been feeling it from you from the start. And I'm not you're captain anymore. We won't be serving together anymore. The timing will be right."

"This isn't what you want. You just lost Mark, you just lost everything. You're not thinking clearly. You're not really you. I'm sorry, I should have put a stop to it immediately. We'll forget this ever happened and go on like we've been doing."

He started to walk toward the door.

"I don't get a say?"

"No. Get some sleep, we're starting on the Equinox tomorrow and it's going to be rough."

He was gone. Kathryn felt like throwing up. He had rejected her even though every sign had told her he wanted her. She had assumed they had never acted on their mutual attraction because of their situation in the Delta Quadrant. She had never once referred to any deep feelings about him in her logs, but she instinctively understood what she had done and why. She had sacrificed everything to get to the ship home. It was her penance and her duty for having stranded the ship and her people in the Delta Quadrant. Hadn't Q referred to that tonight? But why did Chakotay reject her?

"You're not really you."

That was the key. He didn't want her without her memories, just like Starfleet. So this was something else Braxton had stolen from her.


	9. Chapter 9

Chakotay wanted to forget it had ever happened. Well, Kathryn happened to be an expert at forgetting. She sat stiffly next to him as her actions during the Equinox incident were minutely dissected. She felt disconnected from it all. None of it had anything to do with her. She hadn't done those things, even though that was her own voice explaining it all in her logs. Chakotay watched her with concern, but the late night chats in her quarters were over. He avoided being alone with her. So much for going on as they had before. Kathryn went to the gym at night now instead of spending time with him. They had all been officially ordered to get back in shape and there was plenty of company at the gym. Physical exertion was good. It allowed her to get out of her head and away from her despairing thoughts and it gave her back some control over her life. She couldn't be the woman Chakotay and Starfleet wanted her to be, but she could force her body to be what she wanted it to be.

She was given an official reprimand for her actions with Noah Lessing. It didn't bother her. Maybe it would if she ever regained her memories, but what was the use in worrying about it now? She was standing at a crossroads right now and it was time to do some hard thinking about her life and her goals. The debriefings were winding down now and she had decisions to make. What she was doing right now wasn't working and she didn't see that changing. It was obvious she was never going to get another command and she was never going to be able to rebuild any relationships with her crew. It didn't matter how much she had cared for them when she had been whole and healthy. Somehow, she always managed to do the wrong thing, just as she had with Chakotay the other night.

It would be better for her to leave and make a clean break with the crew and with Starfleet. She would have the surgery to remove the spinal clamps from her back and then she would go. It was time to accept that she would never regain her memories and that she needed to rebuild her life away from all of these people who wanted her to be what she never would be again. It would be hard, but she could do it, she was a survivor, and ultimately, it would be for the best for everyone. They wouldn't continually be reminded of what had happened to her. Her mother would be pleased to have her retire. She had been pushing for it from the beginning, but she would be disappointed that Kathryn wasn't going to stay home with her.

What she needed to do was go out into space. Starfleet wasn't an option anymore, but there were other possibilities. Cargo runs didn't appeal to her, but perhaps she could join an independent research team in the Gamma Quadrant. She couldn't remember the Delta Quadrant, but the Gamma Quadrant would make an acceptable substitute.

Deanna Troi could sense a new resolve in her and asked her about it at her next session, but Kathryn kept her plans close to her chest. She was tired of being told what was best for her or that she wasn't herself or that this wasn't what she would do if she had her memories. Her session with Deanna was unproductive and even Deanna herself seemed distracted and disinterested and didn't press Kathryn too much about anything. She left quickly, thinking about her plans. There was a Vulcan expedition preparing to leave for the Gamma Quadrant within the month and she intended to contact the leader today about joining it. She would have to be discreet to ensure that Tuvok didn't somehow find out about it and attempt to interfere.

She saw him as she left Deanna's building. It took her a second to realize exactly who he must be and a pang ran through her when she did. Here was someone who had been dealt an even more severe blow than she had. He was leaning against the outer wall with hunched shoulders and he was staring at the ground. She recognized the dejection at once. This was how she'd been feeling ever since Chakotay rejected her and then withdrew his friendship from her. She contemplated just leaving him there without talking to him, but maybe he could use the company. She certainly could.

"You're Thomas Riker, aren't you? I'm Kath-"

"Kathryn Janeway. You don't need to remind me. I've never forgotten you, not since you ran out on me that day. You really did a number on my ego."

The dejected air was gone. He straightened, his eyes twinkled, and he was grinning at her, his eyes sweeping over her, and the grin became a little wolfish.

"Somehow I think you got over the disappointment pretty quickly. You know, I never forgot you either."

She smiled at him in pleasure. How delightful it was to actually remember somebody from her past! And an Academy friend at that. So many of them were dead, but here he was.

"You have to make that date up to me now, then maybe I'll be able to heal the wound you left. That smile of yours is already beginning to help."

"I think that's only fair. How about tonight?"

"That sounds perfect. Dinner? Dancing?"

"I don't remember the last time I went dancing. I'd love it."

They made arrangements for him to pick her up at her quarters and Kathryn headed back, genuinely happy for once. She couldn't keep the smile off her face and she immediately called her sister to tell her the news.

"Ooh, is he handsome? What does he look like?"

"He's very handsome. He's tall, he has dark hair, blue eyes, and a beard. He's had a hard time too."

She told Phoebe about the transporter accident that had resulted in the creation of two William Thomas Rikers and how one, Thomas, had been left behind on a planet, alone, for eight years, without anyone ever being aware of his existence, while the other, William, materialized on their ship. Later, after Tom's rescue, he left Starfleet and joined the Maquis. She told her, too, of the rumors she had heard about his escape from a Cardassian prison camp and clandestine work he had done for the Federation during the war.

"I'm glad you're happy, Katie, but be careful. You're still getting over Mark and figuring out things. You don't want to get hurt again so soon."

"It's just dinner and dancing, Phoebe, we're not running away together."

She ended the call feeling intensely annoyed with Phoebe. She didn't need to be patronized by her little sister too, of all people. It was bad enough that the entire admiralty thought she was barely capable of dressing herself in the morning. She tried to shake off the annoyance and occupied herself with replicating the perfect dress. The only other dress she had was the one she had worn to the reception with Chakotay and that one made her feel awful every time she saw it in her closet. She finally found the right one after three tries. It was a deep blue, sleeveless, with a low back, and a swishy skirt that reached her knees. It flared beautifully when she spun and would be just right for dancing and it showed off the results of her hard work in the gym. She was particularly proud of the muscle tone she had regained in her arms and back.

Thomas showed up before she was quite ready, so she let him in, wincing at the baby's screams. Tom Paris was walking the hall with her and shrugged apologetically, quickly turning to enter his own quarters after taking a good long look at Kathryn and her visitor.

"You look beautiful," Thomas said appreciatively. He was frankly admiring her and Kathryn blushed. She went into the bedroom to put on her shoes and to quickly neaten the room, deliberately not thinking about why she wanted the bedroom to be tidy.

"I'm ready, let's go."

Chakotay was waiting in the hallway when they emerged, not even attempting to look as if he was casually passing by. Tom Paris, the little gossip, had worked quickly.

"Chakotay, I was wondering if I'd run into you," Thomas said.

"It's been a long time." They glared at each other for a moment and then Chakotay turned to Kathryn.

"You're lovely." He was admiring her too, just as Thomas had, but his mouth tightened when Thomas took her hand. "Don't forget we've got that appointment early in the morning at McKinley Station."

"Don't worry, I'll get her home before she turns into a pumpkin."

She could feel Chakotay's heated stare on her back until they were finally out of sight. They chatted about the Academy and general subjects until they arrived at the restaurant and Kathryn was pleased that they were seated in a fairly secluded corner. She didn't want people gawking at her.

"Has your first officer always been so good about reminding you about your appointments?"

"I really wouldn't know." Kathryn shrugged.

"Sorry, that was a stupid remark." He looked embarrassed.

"It's all right. You can talk about it. I've lost my memories of my time as Voyager's captain and no one knows what to do with me now."

"Just like when they found me. No one knew what to do with me."

"I remember hearing about it. We were all horrified. It would be bad enough to be left stranded alone for so long, but then to find out that..."

She trailed off uncertainly, unsure about how Thomas felt about the course of their discussion.

"Oh, I was horrified all right. All that time I assumed I had been missed, that they all thought I had been killed and were grieving for me, but Will took my place and no one ever even knew. Life went on without me and I had to make a new life. I had my entire life planned out before I ever entered the Academy, but everything changed."

"I know exactly what you mean. I had everything planned out too. I had my beautiful new ship and I was getting married soon, but then I woke up in sickbay and seven years had suddenly passed me by. Well, you've probably heard about all of that. My sister tells me the news vids can't get enough of my tragic story."

She tried to smile, but couldn't quite manage it.

"It's okay to be sad, Kathryn. You don't need to hide it. It's important to acknowledge your feelings and to talk to the people who care about you. I didn't do any of that. I made a lot of mistakes because of it. I know it's hard. They probably don't know the right things to say to you, but you can't give up on them."

"Is that what you did?"

He nodded. The grin and the twinkle and the flirtatiousness were gone. He was just a deeply sad man and Kathryn's heart twisted, remembering what he had been like as a cadet, so exuberantly full of life that he had overwhelmed her and she had run from their date.

"They expected me to be him, to be the same, but we weren't anymore, not after eight years. We're two different men now, but it was hard for people to understand that. I was desperate to prove myself, to set myself apart from him."

"So you joined the Maquis."

"I did and Chakotay never liked me much. He didn't trust my reasons for having joined them. I didn't have a true stake in their cause, a family or a home to protect. He was right not to trust me. I made a lousy Maquis and went and got myself and some good people caught. How has it been for you?"

She sighed and thought about everything: Voyager, her family, Mark, Seven crying in the cafeteria, the supernovas she couldn't remember, what she had done to Noah Lessing, Chakotay kissing her passionately and then telling her she wasn't herself. She thought of her decision to leave them all behind.

"I'm finding it very difficult to make a new place for myself and continue my relationships with people who know me, but I can't remember. They all have expectations of me that I can't even guess at and I seem to hurt them or offend them when that wasn't my intention at all."

"Then you need to tell them that exactly. I've lost someone very special to me because it was easier to give up than to fight for her. Believe me, you don't want to make the same mistake."

She looked at him thoughtfully, recalling the reception she had attended with Chakotay and the gossip she had heard there. All the pieces fell into place.

"Deanna Troi?"

"What?"

He looked startled.

"You were here today to see her, weren't you? She just got engaged to Will a few weeks ago."

He didn't say anything for a long moment, then he nodded.

"I went and saw her, one last try. I knew it was hopeless, too little, too late. It was stupid of me. All I did was hurt her."

"I'm sorry. It hurts when the person you love finds someone else."

He reached across the table and they held hands. After that, their conversation lightened. They went dancing and had a wonderful time. When he brought her back to her quarters, they passed B'Elanna and Chakotay in the hallway and she invited Thomas in for coffee.


	10. Chapter 10

Kathryn woke up with a terrible headache, no doubt due to the lack of sleep. She and Thomas had talked late into the night and then he had kissed her, but it hadn't felt right for either of them. He was obviously still thinking of Deanna while she couldn't forget Chakotay's kiss. So she had walked him to the door and he gently kissed her forehead before leaving. She was pretty sure Tom Paris had been spying on them. It was almost like living with Phoebe all over again. After he left, she had lain awake in bed thinking for quite some time. Thomas' life was a cautionary tale and she felt it was significant that she had run into him just as she was making a momentous life choice. She didn't want to make the same mistakes he had made and lose anyone who was important to her, even if she didn't remember them.

Chakotay showed up at her quarters to accompany her to breakfast. He stood politely at the door while she finished putting her boots on, his eyes surreptitiously scanning the room.

"He didn't spend the night, if that's what you're wondering."

"It's none of my business if you have someone over. You don't have to tell me anything."

"I'm aware of that. I just wanted you to know. Listen, Chakotay, have a seat. We need to talk."

He chose to sit in the armchair rather than on the couch next to her and watched her warily.

"I want to apologize to you for kissing you the other night. It was inappropriate and I shouldn't have done it. I've come to rely on your friendship and I'm afraid I've damaged it."

Chakotay placed his elbows on his knees and leaned forward.

"Kathryn, no, you haven't damaged anything. I will always be your friend, no matter what."

"Then why have you been avoiding me? You've barely talked to me and this is the first time we've been alone in a room since that night. Do you think you can't trust me? I can take no for an answer, I won't kiss you again."

Chakotay ran a hand through his hair and closed his eyes for a moment.

"I'm sorry. I don't know how to have this conversation with you. This isn't anything we ever talked about before."

"I don't remember, damn it!" she said vehemently. "I don't remember what we've talked about, okay? You know me, you know all of our background, and you expect me to act in certain ways. All of you do! But all I can do is just be myself and I end up disappointing you or hurting you. I still can't get Seven of Nine or Harry Kim to talk to me and all Tom Paris does is spy on me. I reacted to the situation the other night. There has been something between us all along and I reacted naturally. Tell me what was so wrong about it. I don't know the context, so you have to tell me. Tell me instead of just cutting me out of your life! "

"Okay, Kathryn, I'll tell you. I don't want to be alone with you because I don't trust myself with you! Yes, there's something between us, there was from the first moment I beamed onto your bridge, but we've never acted on it, not even on New Earth, and we're not going to act on it now, not with the way you are. You are going to get your memory back eventually and when you do, I want to be able to look you in the eye with a clear conscience. Can you understand that?"

He subsided, looking down at his hands. Kathryn rubbed the bridge of her nose. His shouting hadn't helped her headache.

"Yes, actually, I can understand that." Chakotay looked up at her in surprise. "It makes sense and I can respect that. If you had told me that instead of just walking out on me and then avoiding me, I would have been fine. I also understand how hard this must be for you. I'm behaving in ways that you might not expect. You need to understand how hard it is for me too. I'm just being myself, the way I was before Voyager. If I do something that I shouldn't, if I somehow offend you or hurt you or do something you don't want, then you have to explain it to me."

"Okay, I can do that. I should have that night. I didn't because-" He paused and shook his head. "I will from now on, okay?"

She nodded. She wasn't a mind reader, but she was sure he was holding back on her. He seemed sincere about talking to her from now on, though, so she decided that he was entitled to his privacy.

"Can I tell you something, Chakotay?"

"Of course."

"I've been feeling low. Very low. I gave up and I decided that I was leaving once debriefings were over."

"What do you mean you gave up? Where were you going to go?"

"I just gave up on hoping that I could make a life for myself here and that I would ever get my memory back and I thought I would go to the Gamma Quadrant. It's the only quadrant I haven't been to yet. I thought it would be easier to get away from all of you and Starfleet than to keep trying to be someone I'm not."

"Oh, Kathryn, no. Please don't do that, don't leave." He got out of the armchair and sat next to her on the couch, pulling her into an embrace. "I'm so sorry you're feeling like that. You're fine the way you are. You're--you're just fine. You don't have to be anything other than what you already are."

Kathryn wrapped her arms around him and returned the hug. He was solid and reassuring and warm.

"I'm not going to go. Thomas convinced me that I should stay, that I should try to work things out here and just tell you, tell everyone, how I feel."

"Then I owe him a lot," Chakotay said into her hair. She was nestled under his chin and his mouth was pressing into her hair. He let her go after a long moment. "Kathryn, I want you to come and talk to me if you feel depressed again or for anything else that you need. I'm always here for you, day or night. I mean that. I was always there for you too on Voyager, but you didn't always talk to me. It was hard balancing friendship and our command roles, but that isn't a barrier between us anymore. You come and see me, okay?"

"All right, I will."

She was examining his sweet face when he received a comm call from Admiral Patterson notifying them that they were ten minutes late for their meeting. Kathryn rushed to the bathroom to repair her hair and make-up and they hurried off to McKinley Station.

It was an unusually busy day. The trip to McKinley Station ended up being longer than planned when they were asked to come over to Voyager and check on an issue with the warp core. By the time they returned to Earth to participate in the day's debriefing session, Kathryn's headache was fast on its way to becoming a migraine. She had missed breakfast because of the talk with Chakotay and lunch had been coffee while looking at Voyager's warp core. If she ate something, then she would feel better.

She got up from her seat, waving her coffee cup at Admiral Paris and made her way to the replicator at the back of the room. Chakotay was answering questions and she listened to his voice while trying to decide what she wanted to order. Nothing appealed to her. In fact, her stomach was decidedly queasy and saliva was building up in her mouth. Oh no! She rushed out of the meeting room and to the bathroom directly across the hall. She retched into the toilet and then sat on the floor, feeling utterly miserable. She was soaked in sweat and her head hurt so much, just as much as it had that first horrible day when she had tried so hard to get to Mark.

She needed the Doctor. She got up and rinsed out her mouth and shakily made her way toward Starfleet Medical and the EMH. He helped her to lie down on a biobed, gently smoothing her sweaty hair away from her face.

"I told you to come and see me immediately if you started feeling a headache," he scolded her.

"Mmm," was all she could respond. Her comm badge chirped.

"Paris to Janeway. Has something held you up?"

The Doctor tapped the comm badge for her.

"Admiral Paris, this is Voyager's EMH. Captain Janeway is with me at Starfleet Medical receiving treatment. She is not feeling well and I am placing her on medical leave for the remainder of the day and also tomorrow. Don't worry, it isn't too serious."

"Very well. Please let me know if there is anything she needs. Paris out."

The Doctor pulled down the collar of her turtleneck and applied a hypospray. Sweet relief. Kathryn almost cried as the pain left her head.

"Is that better?"

"Oh yes. That is the worst headache I have ever had."

"I don't doubt it. It was caused by the last of the chroniton particles finally working their way out from your brain."

"Really, after so long?"

"Yes. You were so flooded with them after the attack that it's a miracle your brain wasn't turned into Swiss cheese."

"That's what I am, a walking miracle. When can I leave?"

"I'm not sure. Now that the chroniton particles are gone, I want to try something. I believe I may be able to restore your memory now."

Kathryn sat up, her heart pounding. The Doctor smiled at her and proceeded to explain his plan.


	11. Chapter 11

The Doctor's plan involved using a biotemporal chamber to realign Kathryn's phased memory engrams. The theory was that her engrams were ever so slightly out of variance with the rest of her body. Realigning the variance with her body would allow her to once more access those engrams. Kathryn was eager to get the procedure done at once, but there were preliminary tests that needed to be done, in addition to completing the chamber itself. A similar model had been used to help Kes, the Ocampa, stop jumping through time, but it needed to be redesigned for Kathryn's particular needs.

She changed into sickbay blues and obediently climbed back onto the biobed so that the Doctor's nurse, a young ensign, could complete the tests. What would it be like? Would she suddenly just know everything that had been missing? Or would she feel the memories slowly seeping back in? It didn't matter, as long as she got them back.

She refused to be taken to the chamber in a hover chair, much to the nurse's displeasure. Instead, she walked barefoot and in her blues through Medical with the nurse at her side. She met Chakotay, Admiral Paris, and Admiral Nechayev on her way there.

"Captain, would you like your mother to be here for this?" Paris asked.

"No, I don't want her to be disappointed just in case things don't go as expected."

"It will be a pleasant surprise for her then," he responded.

"I certainly hope so."

The Doctor had shown her his research and it looked sound. In theory, it should work. She kept telling herself that, but the jitters wouldn't go away. They entered the room with the chamber and Kathryn frowned at it. It looked like an instrument of torture. The EMH and Dr. T'Val, the head of Starfleet Medical, instructed her to climb in. She didn't like it at all in the chamber. It was cold and metallic and the jitters were only getting worse. Chakotay caught her eye and winked at her. She smiled at him, wishing she had a moment to thank him for everything he had done for her. She would thank him as soon as she left this chamber with her memories intact. The Doctor stepped in front of her, blocking Chakotay from her view.

"We are about ready to begin, Captain. Dr. T'Val will be monitoring your vital signs while I initialize the temporal field. It may take a while before we can properly align the engrams and your body. You will feel a very slight trembling throughout your body. Let me know if it becomes too uncomfortable. Are you ready?"

"Yes. Thank you for your help."

"I don't need any thanks for helping my friend and the finest captain I've ever known." 

The Doctor gave her an encouraging nod and then stepped to his station at her side.

"All right. Initialize temporal field."

It wasn't bad, just a slight tremble, as the Doctor had said. She stared up at the ceiling, thinking about Voyager, trying desperately to dredge up the lost memories. The Doctor and T'Val spoke quietly and calmly as they adjusted the field and reported on the temporal variance between her body and the engrams. She could hear someone stifle a cough and someone else scuff a shoe on the floor as he or she shifted position.

The ceiling was so plain and gray, but even while she looked at it she could see the corridor in front of her. Although she felt the hard metallic surface of the chamber beneath her back, she also felt herself walking to the mess hall. She heard the doctors talking even as Neelix led her to the table where her people waited.

"They're dead."

"Why?"

"You didn't get them home in time."

Now she wasn't aware of the gray ceiling anymore. She was on her ship, where she belonged. But where was everyone?

"You didn't get them home in time." My fault.

She was walking to the mess hall, but where was everybody? Why was it so quiet?

"Neelix, where is everyone?" No, I don't want to know.

"They died. You didn't get them home in time." I didn't get them home in time.

The door to the mess hall again. No, don't go in there.

"Didn't you see them when you came in?" A hand on her elbow, steering her to her people.

"Why?"

My fault. I failed them.

"You didn't get them home in time."

Cobwebs.

No, not the mess hall again. No.

"They're dead." I'm sorry. My fault.

"Didn't you see them?"

"They're dead."

Then why am I still alive?

The mess hall is so dark.

"Neelix?"

"They're dead."

Cobwebs.

I should die too.

This is the only moment she knows, looking at her dead crew members. Forever walking to the table. Cobwebs. Dust.

I want to die too.

"No. You will not die today."

A burst of warmth.

"Captain Janeway, Kathryn, you must let me help you. Let go of the memory and cling to me. I will keep you safe. You know me. Come with me."

"I can't. I didn't get them home in time." Dead, all dead, my fault.

"No, this memory never happened. It is false. You did get us home in time. Search my memories and see the truth for yourself."

The warmth prodded against her. The bridge now, Earth on the view screen.

"You see the truth. Now come with me. I will help you."

"Yes." She clung to him for an endless time, relishing the stillness and the warmth and the peace. Finally, she followed him and Voyager melted away. She opened her eyes. Tuvok's strong fingers were hot against her face. He looked down at her and moved his hand away. The warmth that she had been clinging to faded away.

"It is done."

"Katie!".

Tuvok's warmth was gone, but there was a different warmth against her side. Her head was aching terribly, so she very carefully moved it and saw that Molly was in bed with her, snuggled against her side despite the narrowness of the bed.

"Katie, you're awake!"

Her mother hugged her and stroked her hair.

"What happened?"

"Captain, I'm happy to see you are awake." The Doctor was next to her mother and scanning her with a tricorder.

"Please, what happened?"

She tried to think and stiffened when she remembered the biotemporal chamber.

"It didn't work, did it?"

"No, I'm very sorry, but don't give up hope. It's just going to be a little more complicated than we thought." He closed the tricorder. "We were able to achieve alignment briefly, but for some reason, only one engram in particular became accessible to you. You began experiencing that particular memory repeatedly, even when the field was shut off. You were in a catatonic state for two days Now, can you please describe the memory?"

She did so, focusing on Molly's brown eyes, then turned to Tuvok.

"Tuvok, you were there with me. What are you doing here?"

"My treatment is complete. I told you I would return as soon as I was able, which was today. Fortunately, I was able to assist you."

Kathryn stroked Molly's soft head. She didn't want to talk anymore. Her mother fussed over her while the Doctor began the same series of tests that she had undergone before the procedure. She noticed that Chakotay was standing to the rear of the group, watching her quietly, his face very somber. She tried to catch his eye, but he looked down at Molly, so she did too, scratching behind the dog's ears.

"I know it's silly, but I thought maybe you would wake up for Molly. I had Mark bring her here."

She couldn't stand to see the uncertainty and fear in her mother's eyes.

"It's not silly. I'm glad she's here with me."

"Captain Chakotay kept a pot of coffee next to you. He said if that didn't wake you, he didn't know what would."

Chakotay ducked his head at this.

"Coffee?"

The Doctor frowned, but let Gretchen pour Kathryn a cup from the pot on the small table next to her bed. The hot coffee helped her to clear the cobwebs from her head. Cobwebs. She shuddered. The Doctor had her get out of bed so that he could assess her motor capabilities. Molly stayed close to her heels as she walked, balanced, and jumped.

"Well, the good news is that no damage has been done."

"What was that, Tuvok? That memory? Did it really happen?'

"No, Captain, you were remembering a nightmare that was induced by an alien species we encountered."

"It's not one of the incidents deemed important enough for the debriefings, so we've never gone over it," Chakotay said. He looked weary.

"We'll have to do that now then," she responded.

"Not so fast," the Doctor said. "I'm not done running my tests. I have an idea about what we can try differently next time-"

"Next time?" Gretchen asked sharply. Kathryn turned to look at her in surprise. "You're not doing this to her again. She doesn't need those memories to live a happy life. She's fine the way she is."

"Mom, this wasn't the Doctor's fault. It just happened. He's only trying to help me."

"I don't care. I'm not going to lose you because of some lost memories. It isn't worth it."

"Oh, Mom, you won't lose me."

"That's right, because you are not having that procedure again."

Chakotay and Tuvok decided that this was their cue to leave. The Doctor moved on to his memory checks while Gretchen continued to tell Kathryn what she should do. In her opinion, Kathryn needed to retire at once and come home to Indiana. Kathryn gave up trying to argue and just let her mother's words wash over her. She focused on the room. There were several vases of flowers, but a beautiful arrangement of roses caught her attention. She picked one up and inhaled the scent.

"Those are from Captain Chakotay," Gretchen said, finally stopping her scolding.

"They're lovely."

"These are from your friend, Tom Riker. And these are from the Voyager crew. These are from Mark. Eddie drew this picture for you. It's supposed to be Voyager and that's you on top going for a ride."

"Not bad for a three year-old."

Gretchen set the picture down and sniffed, brushing away a tear.

"I'm sorry, Kathryn. I shouldn't have nagged you like that just now. I can't describe to you how I felt when Captain Chakotay called to tell me that something had happened to you. I love you and I want you to be happy. You do what you need to do. I'll be fine."

"Oh, Mom. I love you too."

They hugged. Gretchen settled her in at her quarters when the Doctor finally released her, taking Molly with her. Tuvok appeared at her door soon after with Seven. That was a surprise. They only stayed a few moments with Tuvok doing all of the talking. Seven merely gave her stiff nods of acknowledgment, but it was certainly more than she'd gotten from her in months. There were a few more visits from some other crew members, but not from the one person she had been expecting. He might have gotten caught up in work, but it was already getting late.

Kathryn decided to try to get to sleep, but as soon as she laid down, she could see her dead people and feel Neelix's hand on her elbow, taking her to them. Thoughts of the failure of the procedure filled her with despair. She had been so sure it would work! She wiped away a stray tear, wishing she had insisted on keeping Molly for the night. She could always call Mark and have him bring her back. Or she could go see Chakotay. Chakotay had said he would be there for her whenever she needed him. She changed out of her silk nightgown into some yoga pants and a shirt and made her way over to his door.

"Kathryn! Is everything all right?"

Chakotay looked a little taken aback to see her. He ran a hand through his hair.

"You said I could come and talk to you whenever I needed to, but if it's not a good time..."

"I always have time for you. Come in."

She followed him in. He was still wearing his uniform pants and undershirt. The jacket was thrown over the couch and his boots were lying in the middle of the room. He had to clear several padds off the couch so that she could sit and she couldn't help noticing that the padd on top had been paused with a frozen image of her, mouth open in mid speech.

"Getting ready for tomorrow's debriefings?"

She gestured at the padd. Chakotay grabbed it and shut it off.

"Yes." He frowned and shook his head. "No. Actually, that's not a log. It's your final message to me. You can listen to it if you want."

His words said one thing, but his body language said something else entirely. He was clutching the padd so tightly his fingers had gone white and he was cradling it to his chest. Kathryn was intensely curious about what she might have said. A captain's final message to a first officer, written in the event of the captain's death, generally provided encouragement and advice the officer would need as he stepped into the captain's shoes. She imagined that given their special situation out in the Delta Quadrant, her message might have contained more. In fact, hadn't he mentioned that once, that she had left him detailed instructions?

"It's all right, maybe another time I might like to listen to it."

Chakotay relaxed a little, but he didn't look very well.

"What did you want to talk about, Kathryn?"

"I wanted to talk to you about this new memory I have, but that can wait. You don't look like you're feeling well. Is there anything I can do? Would you like to talk?"

He tugged at his earlobe.

"No, not right now. Let's talk about your memory. I remember you telling me about that nightmare. That was quite an unusual experience we had."

"The one good thing is that now I have a memory of Neelix. I've heard so much about him and now I know him a little. But I wanted to talk about the feelings I had. When I realized those crew members were dead because I hadn't gotten them home in time, it crushed me. I couldn't breathe. I wanted to die too."

She frowned, staring down at her knees.

"There was nothing more important to you than getting them home. Not even your own life. You would have done anything to get them home." He gave her a twisted little smile. "What am I saying? You did do anything. You went back in time to bring us home. You pissed off Braxton just to make it right for us. It would have killed you if you had failed. No, it did kill you. It killed your soul. That's why you came back to change the timeline."

Kathryn stared at him. Chakotay was usually so positive. She had never heard his voice be so bitter. He grimaced self-consciously.

"I'm sorry. I really expected this procedure to work. It was very disturbing when you stopped responding and we realized something had gone wrong. Maybe this sounds strange and I probably shouldn't say it, but I miss you. I wish you were here, I wish I could see how happy you would be that Naomi loves being with her dad and Seven is getting to know her aunt and Harry and the right twin are finally dating. I wish I could have seen you handle the debriefings. You would have been in your element. I should have done more to protect you that day. I should have killed that bastard when I had the chance."

Kathryn swallowed hard. She didn't know what to say to him at all. What could she say?

"I think the Doctor will get it right eventually, Chakotay, but please don't blame yourself. I already told B'Elanna, the only person at fault is Braxton."

"Kathryn, you can't go through that procedure again. It left you catatonic. I agree with your mother, the memories aren't worth the risk of losing you."

Kathryn turned the conversation to Harry and the right twin, desperate to lighten the mood. It didn't quite work and later on in her own quarters, she laid back down in bed miserably. She wished she could be the woman that Chakotay missed so much.


	12. Chapter 12

Kathryn sat facing Admirals Hayes, Paris, and Nechayev. She was strongly fighting the urge to tell them all to go to hell.

"It's an excellent offer, Captain Janeway. You'll be able to familiarize yourself with the past seven years of history you've missed while becoming acquainted with the current prominent political leaders of the Federation." Admiral Nechayev finished talking and looked expectantly at Kathryn. Kathryn remained stonily silent, clenching her jaw.

"It really is an excellent offer," Admiral Hayes said into the tense silence. "It will perfectly prepare you for the admiralty. There won't have to be a waiting time for your promotion once your memories are restored."

"What if I don't want the promotion once my memories are restored? What if I'm not ready to give up being a captain?"

"You will be once you remember." Kathryn found Admiral Paris' confident tone to be hellishly irritating.

"With all due respect, Sir, you have no way of knowing that. I know my own mind at present and I am in no way prepared to give up on the idea of commanding another ship in order to essentially act as a tour guide for Federation politicians visiting Earth. I am confident that my current skills and abilities, even without the benefit of my lost memories, would be better put to use on the bridge of a starship."

Admiral Paris gave her a patient and long-suffering smile. "We have every indication that you will welcome the promotion. Your most recent medical and psychological evaluations completed before the return to the Alpha Quadrant show that you were quickly heading toward burn-out, but that you refused to acknowledge any problems when the EMH attempted to speak to you about it. Both Captain Chakotay's and Commander Tuvok's logs from the last year of the voyage contain numerous similar expressions of concern about your mental and physical well-being. Your own logs document a gradual change in your demeanor and emotional state. It's obvious to me, when I take all of this information into account, that you were at the end of your rope . Seven years of nonstop, grueling duty in the Delta Quadrant took their toll on you. It's nothing to be ashamed of, Katie. You went above and beyond the call of duty time after time, you risked your life, you gave everything to get your crew home. You have earned the rank of admiral and I know how honored you will be once your memories are restored. This job will be the perfect opportunity to allow you to recuperate and train for the admiralty while you wait to regain your memories."

Kathryn crossed her legs and straightened a wrinkle in her uniform sleeve. She rubbed the bridge of her nose while she scanned the faces of the three admirals in front of her.

"I can only decide what is best for me at this moment in my life, not what I might want when my memories are restored. I have no desire at this moment to take this job offer and I don't see how it will fulfill me professionally. There is always the chance that I may never regain my memories and I don't wish to waste my career just waiting for a breakthrough."

Admiral Nechayev nodded her head thoughtfully. "I can understand that sentiment, Captain Janeway. Nothing has to be decided at this moment. The debriefings must still be concluded and then you will take mandatory leave. I understand your leave will include a surgery and recuperation?" At Kathryn's nod of confirmation, she continued. "Then I want you to take the time to consider a position that will satisfy you. Make an appointment to talk to me when you have decided. Commanding a ship is not an option and we prefer that you remain on Earth, or at the very least in the Solar System. It's a changed quadrant since the war and you make too tempting a target for any of the enemies of the Federation. Besides, we want you near Starfleet Medical. Your EMH is performing some fascinating research and I believe it is only a matter of time before he is able to find a way to reverse the damage. Is this acceptable to you?"

"Yes, Ma'am."

There was no other way to respond, not since she had decided to remain in Starfleet. She left the room quickly with her shoulders tense and neck aching from the stress of the meeting. She couldn't continue to live like this, with everything on hold until a treatment was found and constantly grieving over what had been done to her by Braxton. It was time for her to accept what he had done to her and all the consequences of that action. That was all there was to it. Maybe the Doctor would eventually find a solution, maybe he wouldn't. Either way, Kathryn was going to make a new life for herself, a good life. Braxton had meant to punish her, but that would only work if she allowed it to continue to be a punishment. No more.

She was supposed to meet Chakotay in two hours to prepare for their next debriefing session, so she decided to head to the gym to work out her frustrations. She quickly changed in the locker room and entered the gym to find several of her crew members listening to the Doctor lecturing someone.

"Ah, hello, Captain," he greeted her. "Now, Tom, you see, the Captain is an excellent example. She works out consistently and she pays attention to her form. You can see the results for yourself. Just look at her arms! You should see her abs."

Tom Paris, Harry Kim, and Tal Celes all looked at her arms and then tried to see through her tank top to her stomach. Kathryn resisted the urge to suck it in. She couldn't help but notice Seven of Nine standing to the back of the group and trying to appear disinterested in her presence.

"What's the problem here?"

"Tom Paris, Captain, of course." The Doctor rolled his eyes and sighed heavily. "Everyone is making great strides to increase their physical fitness, even Naomi Wildman. Everyone, that is, except for Lieutenant Paris."

"Hey, whatever happened to doctor/patient confidentiality?" Tom glared at him.

"Oh please, all anyone has to do is look at you."

Kathryn took a good look at Tom. She generally only saw him when he was walking up and down the halls with his screaming baby or she saw glimpses of his blond hair when he was spying on her, but she had to admit he didn't look very healthy. He had dark circles under his eyes and appeared tired enough to sleep right where he was standing.

"Really, Doctor, I would think you would be more concerned about his exhaustion. When was the last time you got any decent sleep, Lieutenant?"

Tom gave a rueful little laugh. "I don't know, the end of B'Elanna's second trimester?"

"I think you need to worry about your family and getting enough rest right now, not whether you are in shape. There will be enough time for that later."

"Just what I've been saying, Doc." He gave the Doctor an insolent grin and the Doctor sniffed in annoyance. Kathryn moved her attention to Seven, who was trying to slip away unnoticed. It was time to shake things up with her and get her to form a new connection with her. Kathryn wasn't going to wait until she had her memories back to restore her friendships.

"I'm in the mood for a good workout today. I was thinking Velocity. I understand that we used to play together on Voyager, Seven, but that you never once managed to beat me. I could do with a victory today."

Seven froze and slowly an eyebrow climbed. "You only won because you always stopped after ten rounds."

"That is the standard number of rounds, but I understand if you're not up to a game with me. Would anyone else like to-"

"I will play with you and I will defeat you."

"We'll see about that."

Seven led the way to the gym's Velocity court with the rest of the gym's occupants following. Kathryn could hear Tom excitedly placing bets about who would win. She and Seven grabbed their phasers while the spectators settled themselves on the benches. The game began and Kathryn instantly lost herself in it. This was just what she had needed, a way to get out of her head and away from all of her negative and despairing thoughts. Seven was decent enough to keep Kathryn on her toes, but she quickly discovered that Seven lacked the necessary instincts to be truly good and she was also very easy to rattle. Kathryn dove and ducked around her and occasionally taunted her while Seven only redoubled her efforts, determined to score points. At some point, Kathryn became aware that Chakotay had joined the Doctor, Tal Celes, Harry, and Tom. They were all cheering while Chakotay leaned against the wall with a big grin on his face. If he hadn't distracted her with his dimples, it never would have happened, but Kathryn tripped and Seven crashed into her, knocking her hard onto the floor. There was an immediate searing pain in her knee and Kathryn curled protectively around it while Seven tried to help her sit up. Everyone came running to check on her.

"Let me see, Captain." The Doctor gently moved her leg while Tom handed over a medical tricorder. Chakotay was helping support her back and Tal was running back with the gym's medkit. Seven was standing to the side and watching with big worried eyes.

"Oh, it's just my knee. I'll be fine," she gasped, not liking the expressions she saw on everyone's faces.

"You've torn your ACL and I see some meniscal tears. Pass over a hypospray for the pain, Tom."

She relaxed at the absence of the pain and then craned her neck over at Harry Kim in surprise. He was shouting at Seven of Nine.

"Were you trying to kill her, Seven? What the hell is your problem? All she's ever done is try to help you and all you've ever done is fight her every step of the way."

"I was not attempting to hurt her. It was an accident, we were merely playing a game," Seven responded, her voice low and pained.

"Sure, Seven. You never mean to hurt anyone and yet there she is." He gestured to Kathryn.

"This is uncalled for and unacceptable, Ensign." Chakotay kept supporting Kathryn, but his full attention was on Harry.

"Sure, of course you'll stick up for Seven. We all know why." His eyes flicked over Seven with disgust, then returned to Chakotay. He shook his head, turned, and left the room.

"Tom, take over. I'm going to go talk to him. I'll come check on you as soon as I can, Kathryn."

Chakotay sped off after Harry.

"I did not mean to cause you harm, Captain. That was never my intention."

"I know that, Seven. I was the one who tripped and caused it all to happen in the first place. What in the world is Harry so upset about?"

"I can treat this right here, luckily. Tal, take over for Tom and support the captain's back. Tom, come and help me immobilize her leg. Seven, you go and replicate some water for the captain to drink."

He was finished in twenty minutes and by that time, Chakotay had returned. The Doctor and Tom both wrapped her knee in a supportive brace and she carefully stood, trying out the knee. Seven was once more trying to sneak away, so she spoke up quickly.

"Seven, I could use your help in the locker room. You too, Tal."

Tal was much more comfortable going into the locker room than Seven. She chatted cheerily about her family on Bajor while Seven merely listened with a sullen expression. Kathryn took a quick sonic shower and then carefully dressed back in her uniform while the other women listened to make sure she didn't lose her balance.

"Thanks for your help. I appreciate it." Kathryn settled down on a bench.

"Tal, will you let Captain Chakotay know I will be out in a few minutes? Seven and I need to talk."

"Sure, Captain."

She left and Seven stood stiffly, leaning toward the door, obviously longing to follow Tal.

"Seven, I don't blame you at all for what happened today. You told me that you can tell when I'm lying. Am I lying when I say that I don't blame you?"

"No, Captain, you are not."

"Good. Then let's put this incident behind us. I was having fun up until my fall, what about you?"

Seven scowled. "No, you were winning by attempting to distract me with irrelevant commentary."

"It's all part of the fun. You have to learn to tune out distractions."

"You no longer require my assistance. I will leave now."

"You will stay right here. I'm more than a little tired of the way you've been avoiding me. I understand and respect that the return home and what happened to me have been difficult for you, but it's time to get past that. I may not have my memories of our relationship, but I've listened to my logs and I'm impressed with what you've accomplished. I would like to get to know you. Maybe our relationship won't be quite the same, but we can be friends, can't we? Essentially, I am still the same person you've always known."

Seven was beginning to relax a little. Slowly, she nodded her head. "Perhaps we can become friends. I have missed your company. But I still hope that you will regain your memories. It is wrong that you can't fully appreciate the completion of your mission. I sometimes thought you were misguided and reckless in your desire to get Voyager home, but you were single-minded and determined and in the end, you were successful."

"Well, we can't give up hope. Come on, let's go. Oh, and Seven? I would love it if you came to visit me in Bloomington during our leave."

Seven considered her thoughtfully. "Yes, I will visit you. You are sincere now."

Seven went her own way and Kathryn and Chakotay headed for their office. He propped up Kathryn's legs on a chair and gathered the padds they needed.

"Thank you, Chakotay. Your mom raised you right, you are a true gentleman."

He smiled at that while he downloaded the logs they needed and she told him of her conversation with Seven.

"Now it's your turn. I want to know exactly what is going on with Harry."

"Harry." Chakotay sighed. He didn't look up from the padds. "Harry feels very guilty over what happened to you with Braxton and he's taking it out on everyone else who was on the bridge."

"Guilt seems to be the common theme. If I could watch the damn surveillance footage, I might be able to convince all of you not to feel so guilty all the time."

"Absolutely not. You don't need to watch that." He slammed down the padd he was holding.

"I think I'm a better judge of what I should and shouldn't watch than you, Captain."

"Not in this case, you're not."

"Oh yes, I am. I have the right to know exactly what happened that was so traumatic to members of my senior staff that they have difficulty talking to me."

"Haven't you considered that it was a traumatic experience for you as well and that the only good thing out of all of this is that you don't remember it?"

"You can say that because you remember it. I can only take your word for it and that's not enough."

"What if you had been raped, Kathryn, or he had severely beaten you? Would you want to watch that, have those images burned into your mind?"

Kathryn recoiled, horrified by what he was saying. "What? What the hell are you keeping from me? What else did he do to me?"

Chakotay looked at her in dismay. "No! That didn't happen. I'm sorry, I was trying to convince you that you don't need to watch that footage, but nothing like that happened. I shouldn't have said that!"

She crossed her arms protectively against her chest. "I have a right to know exactly what happened to me."

"Look, maybe we can compromise. Why don't I tell you what happened?"

"Go ahead."

Chakotay examined his hands for a moment and then took a deep breath.

"We were on the bridge and entering Earth orbit. You had just sent Tom to sickbay and ordered me to take the helm. There was a call from Engineering, from Vorik, saying that a device had just materialized next to the warp core. He thought it was some sort of explosive device. You and Tuvok were going to head there to examine it when Braxton came out of your ready room. He had a phaser and he ordered all of us to kneel at the center of the bridge or he would detonate the bomb he had beamed next to the warp core. We had no choice, we had to do as he said."

Kathryn nodded. "If Voyager's warp core exploded that close to Earth..."

"Exactly. We couldn't talk, but we had some hand signals we'd come up with over the years. You signaled to me to keep my eyes open for any advantage. He raved for a few minutes about how horrible you were, how you had no right to change the time line, how it was wrong that his people weren't going to do anything to stop it. You were relieved to hear that and you made him repeat that, that Voyager wasn't going to be sent back to the Delta Quadrant. It made him angrier than he already was. He reached out to hit you and Harry and I, we were both closest to you, we tried to stand and stop him. It enraged him. He said it was really our fault since we had given you the idea to change the time line in the first place."

"The slipstream incident," Kathryn whispered, remembering her strange log about the account of a message from a Harry Kim from sometime in the future.

"That's right. As far as we can determine, an alternate time line was created when we used the slipstream drive, one with a tragic outcome. Harry and I somehow changed that. Braxton said we deserved to be punished for it too, especially Harry since it was his message that gave you the idea. He ordered Harry to restrain your arms behind your back so that you wouldn't be able to defend yourself. Harry refused until Braxton turned the phaser on Seven. You ordered Harry to do it and he finally did."

"Oh. That's why Harry is having such a hard time and Seven too."

"Yes." Chakotay paused for a minute before continuing. "Once you were restrained, Braxton told you he was going to take it all away from you because he knew it would hurt you more than anything else he could do to you, that in your memoirs you had written about entering Earth's orbit and how much that moment in time meant to you, how much it meant to see the crew's happiness in the years after the return. He said it was the perfect punishment since he wasn't allowed to take us back to the Delta Quadrant, taking away everything you had accomplished. And then he shot you in the head."

Kathryn didn't say anything for a moment and Chakotay also stayed quiet, watching her for a reaction. She kept her face emotionless, not wanting to let on to Chakotay what she was thinking. She thought Braxton was right. He had managed to find the best way to personally hurt her. Once more, she ran through the list of things she had lost: Mark, Voyager, the opportunity to command, the memories of all of the wonders she had seen, the friendships she had made-

"No." She shook her head. Here she was already falling into her depressing habits when she had only decided a few hours ago that she was going to accept what had happened to her. "No. It's only a punishment if I allow it to continue to be a punishment. I'm sick of thinking like a victim. I decided earlier today that I'm done grieving for what I've lost. I'm moving on with my life. I did it before when I thought I had lost everything and I'll do it again."

"You always manage to keep going, somehow."

"I'm not just going to survive, Chakotay. I was happy before. I loved my career, I loved my family, I loved Mark, I loved my dog. I'm going to be happy like that again."

Chakotay smiled at her tentatively for a moment and then turned his attention to his padd. She wondered just why he suddenly appeared somber, her eyes lingering at his full lips. She felt lighter than she had in a good long time. Yes, she was going to take control of her life and she was going to be just as happy as she had been seven years ago.


	13. Chapter 13

The debriefings were almost over and the crew would soon be going their separate ways. At least, they were supposed to, but the sad fact was that many of them had nowhere to go. Chakotay had arranged it so that those who wished could continue to live in Starfleet housing, regardless of whether or not they retained their Starfleet commissions, including the Equinox crewmembers. Kathryn didn't have to think very long before deciding to accept the housing offer. She would be going home to Indiana to recuperate after her surgery, but she wanted a place of her own if she felt the need to get away.

There were only a few incidents left to go over, including some that had been saved for when Tuvok would be able to participate. The most significant was the Maquis mutiny less than a year ago caused by the crazed Bajoran vedek, Teero Anaydis. This was obviously a painful subject for both Chakotay and Tuvok. They had both separately apologized to her fervently for what they had almost done to her in her ready room. It was easy to forgive them for it since she didn't remember the incident, but Kathryn couldn't help but be sickened by the descriptions in the logs.

Both of her commanders had described in detail how Chakotay had ordered Tuvok to kill her. It had only been a test of Tuvok's loyalty and the phaser Chakotay had given to him had been disabled. Still, she must have felt so betrayed. Her own logs were decidedly circumspect about her feelings. She unequivocally stated that neither Chakotay nor Tuvok were to blame for anything and that she continued to trust them with her life and her ship, but she said nothing about how she had felt about having her two most trusted officers and friends take away her ship and almost murder her. There was a certain chill to her words as she recorded her log and Kathryn could see a detachment in her own eyes that was a little disturbing. She acknowledged now what Admiral Paris had meant about a change in her demeanor.

At the debriefing session, Kathryn made the admirals sitting on the review board squirm when she asked pointed questions about the security of the data stream. It had been compromised two months in a row, once with an intercepted hologram of Reginald Barclay and once with the subliminal message from Teero, causing chaos aboard Voyager and Kathryn was quite pleased to have the admiralty writhing in incompetence over their failure to keep Voyager safe. Still, she couldn't shake the feelings of darkness that the mutiny gave her. She considered just letting it go, but that wasn't taking control of her life, now was it? She decided to tackle the matter with Chakotay that evening while they worked on crew recommendations.

"Chakotay, did we talk about the mutiny after everything was resolved? I mean, as it related to us personally, not as it affected our command roles."

Chakotay shut down his computer console and sat up, giving her his full attention.

"No, we didn't. We should have, but we didn't."

"You mean we just went on as if it had never happened?"

"Something like that. You kept busy making sure the crew was reintegrating all right and setting up systems to ensure that the data stream could never harm us again and then you invited me to our weekly working dinner. When I tried to bring it up, you just made a joke about tossing me in the brig to rot if it ever happened again."

"A joke? That doesn't sound like a very funny joke."

"It wasn't. You meant it." Chakotay clenched his jaw. "I wasn't as strong as Tuvok, I didn't fight off the effects of the mind meld. I think that what I did deeply wounded you."

"I think I must have been very angry. I hate losing control and to be betrayed like that..." She shook her head. "We really should have talked about it, cleared the air. Why didn't you try?"

"Why didn't I try!?" Chakotay almost shouted. At Kathryn's recoil, he tried to settle back into his chair. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have raised my voice. I wanted to clear the air and I tried to, but you wouldn't let me. What could I do? There were plenty of times we should have cleared the air, but it only happened on your terms."

"I see." Kathryn swallowed hard. She wanted to defend herself, but she had no knowledge of what he was talking about. She hadn't recorded personal disputes in her logs unless there was a good reason. "Look, Chakotay, I don't know the context. You promised you would talk to me and tell me if anything like this came up. You're angry with me, but I don't know why."

Chakotay leaned his head against the back of his chair and closed his eyes for a moment, then opened them to meet her gaze.

"You're right, Kathryn. It's just hard for me to know how much to open up to you. You want honesty right now, but once you've regained your memories, you might not appreciate it."

"Once I've regained my memories, I will still be the same person I am right now and I will appreciate what a good friend you have been to me throughout this ordeal."

"I can only hope. Okay then. You were the captain and you never forgot that fact for a second and you never let me forget it either. You made the decisions, with or without my approval."

"Well, of course I did. That's the captain's job, which you know very well."

"Oh, believe me I do, especially now that I've had to take your place. The point I'm making is that we didn't always see eye to eye out there. Sometimes we argued and you made it personal and you held grudges."

"It sounds like I'm not the only one who held grudges."

"Fair enough. You're right about that. A lot of the time you wouldn't allow me to attempt to talk about our disagreements and make them right. You just wanted them swept under the rug once the current crisis was over."

A tension headache was beginning at Kathryn's temples. Maybe she needed to just end this conversation and leave. It had been a mistake to ever ask Chakotay about the mutiny. But that would be continuing the cycle that they had apparently been caught in.

"That must have been very difficult for you."

Chakotay relaxed a little at her calm words.

"It was, but Kathryn, I know you were doing it to keep your sanity. It was easier for you to avoid confrontations. I'm not exaggerating when I say that the burden on your shoulders was tremendous and it was wearing you down. I think you needed to maintain your distance in order to keep doing what you had to do."

"I'll take your word for it." She leaned forward and placed her hand on his knee. "That's all over with now, Chakotay. I don't want what happened on Voyager to come between us now. Let's just start over with a clean slate, hm?"

He looked at her doubtfully, but took her hand in his and squeezed it.

"Of course, but I can't help wondering what you will say when you re-"

"Don't say it. I'm tired of hearing about what might or might not happen if I regain my memories. Remember, I'm going to be happy again and I can't be happy if we are upset at each other over what happened on Voyager. Let's put it behind us, all right?"

"All right." Chakotay smiled.

"There are those dimples. Deadly weapons, but I think you know it."

Chakotay's smile turned to a grin and he laughed.

"And you are an incorrigible flirt, my dear captain."

"I think you like it."

"You know I do."

He regarded her with shining eyes for a moment before slowly pulling away and redirecting the conversation back to crew recommendations.


	14. Chapter 14

"Congratulations, Lieutenant." Kathryn finished pinning the pip to Harry Kim's collar and stepped back, smiling at him. He ran his fingers over the pip and met her eyes. She raised her chin and continued smiling until he smiled back. Satisfied, she nodded and waited for Admiral Hayes to read the next name, then waited for Chakotay to hand her the box for the next crew member. This was Voyager's promotion ceremony and farewell party and she was going to enjoy it if it killed her. She had come a long way from the horrified and shocked woman three months ago who hadn't wanted to even be on Voyager's bridge for her landing on Earth. Maybe promoting her crew members today would hold more meaning if she remembered their dedicated service and achievements, but they were still her crew and she was proud as she pinned the pips on them.

Later, she mingled with the crowd and chatted freely, genuinely enjoying herself. It wasn't a sad occasion since many of the crew would be returning to San Francisco once their leave was over. Some would even be staying through their leave at the officers' quarters that had been set aside for the Voyager crew's use. The only fly in the ointment was the knowledge that Chakotay would be leaving soon to visit his sister on Trebus. He was going to be gone for at least a month and communication would be spotty at best. She watched him talk to Seven of Nine for a minute until he felt her gaze. He turned his head to glance at her and she winked at him, quirking an eyebrow at him as she swept her eyes over him from head to toe. Chakotay grinned and winked back, a very slight blush appearing on his cheeks.

"Captain Janeway."

Tuvok had silently appeared at her side and she turned her attention away from Chakotay.

"Tuvok. Well, are you all packed up?"

"I am. I will be leaving as soon as the party is concluded."

"I'm going to miss you. You haven't been here very long and now you're already heading back. Have you decided yet what you want to do after your leave?"

"I must discuss the possibilities with T'Pel before I make any decisions. She will accompany me to Earth after my leave so that we may consider our options."

"Oh, good. You'll both have to come to Indiana for dinner. Mom tells me that she and T'Pel became quite close while we were in the Delta Quadrant."

"Indeed. T'Pel has told me that on her visits to Earth, your mother was always hospitable and allowed her to stay at her home."

Kathryn had often heard other humans complain that it was almost impossible to read a Vulcan's body language, but she had learned to read Tuvok and it was obvious to her that he was biting his tongue about something. She cocked her head at him and gave him a half smile.

"What is it, old friend? There's something bothering you."

Tuvok remained silent for a moment, mulling over something and examining her carefully. Finally, he came to a decision and glanced around the crowded room.

"Let's move to the balcony where we can have some privacy. I see Lieutenant Paris skulking nearby."

"All right." They walked toward the balcony. "I really don't know why in the world Tom Paris feels the need to spy on me all the time. I'm sure I was never so fascinated by any of my commanding officers."

They stepped through the balcony doors to find Tal Celes and Billy Telfer engaged in a passionate embrace.

"Captain! Commander Tuvok!"

The blushing couple gave hurried apologies and rushed from the balcony. Kathryn couldn't help but laugh and even Tuvok seemed a little amused by the situation.

"Were they dating on the ship?"

"I don't believe so."

"Young love. Well, what's the problem, Tuvok?"

"It is most likely not my place to do this, but I have some concerns regarding your relationship with Captain Chakotay."

"Excuse me?"

Kathryn stared at him, stunned.

"It has not escaped my attention that you have developed a close and flirtatious relationship with Captain Chakotay. I believe that is inadvisable at this time."

"We're friends, Tuvok. He's been helping me find my way. Why should it bother you if we occasionally flirt? I'm not engaged anymore and Chakotay isn't dating anyone and the debriefings are over. We won't be working together anymore."

"You have put a great deal of thought into the appropriateness of engaging in flirtatious behavior with Chakotay."

Kathryn frowned, turning away from Tuvok to look at the night sky. She didn't like how Tuvok was placing her into a defensive position. There was nothing to be defensive about. She had kissed Chakotay once and he had stopped her because it wasn't right for him unless she had her memories back. She had agreed to abide by that, but there was nothing wrong in flirting. She wasn't dead, after all, and Chakotay certainly wasn't either.

"Get to the point, Tuvok."

"I have offended you. That wasn't my intention. I am merely concerned about your well-being and also that of Captain Chakotay."

"Just what is that supposed to mean?"

"Please, allow me to explain."

"Go ahead."

"The past seven years in the Delta Quadrant changed you. The woman you are now, without those memories, is different from the woman you were before Captain Braxton attacked you. You are now more open, more vulnerable, and more naïve."

"Naive? Don't be ridiculous."

"I have observed you for the past seven years and I am correct in my analysis of your behaviors and emotional state. You are currently unaffected by the difficult choices you had to make and the burden of guilt that you carried. As a result, you are more carefree, open, and naive. You don't feel it necessary to deny yourself any true happiness that you can find."

"Of course I don't. Why would I? Are you saying that I did that, denied myself happiness?"

"Yes. You allowed yourself very few pleasures and then only grudgingly. You developed disturbing tendencies toward recklessness and you often disregarded your own life. It was not healthy, but that was how you lived with your guilt. Perhaps if you had had access to a counselor while we were in the Delta Quadrant you would not have developed such self-destructive coping mechanisms. Nevertheless, the fact remains that you changed and you became harder in order to cope with some of the devastating consequences of your actions. The many deaths of crew members, your decision to separate Tuvix in order to allow Neelix and me to once more exist, and the knowledge that your pact with the Borg directly led to the assimilation of many species are just a few examples of situations that caused you great guilt and that changed you."

Kathryn clenched her jaw. She was hugging her arms to her chest.

"So where are you going with this? I don't deserve to become close to Chakotay?"

"No, I don't believe that, but you may very well believe that you don't deserve any happiness with him once you regain your memories. Or perhaps you may not want anything to do with him at all. I simply don't know and neither do you. The only known fact is that bringing Voyager home from the Delta Quadrant irrevocably changed you and when you regain your memories, everything will change. What I am saying is that it is currently inadvisable for you to attempt an intimate relationship with Chakotay. It would hurt him deeply if you were to initiate a deep intimacy only to withdraw yourself from him when you regain your memories."

"I don't think I'm all that different. I've listened to all my logs."

"You would not still be continuing this conversation with me if you were still the woman I knew. You would already have dismissed me. You must be careful during this time that you do not have your memories. Don't do anything that you may have reason to regret later."

"No, I'm going to do what I feel is right. I'm not letting Braxton keep me from living my life."

"Very well. As I said, it was not my place to do this, but I wanted to protect you. That has always been my intention, to protect you."

"There's no need. I'm pretty handy with a phaser rifle. Let's go back in, they'll be wondering where we are."

She turned and left without making sure that Tuvok was following her and later, when he came to tell her goodbye, she could only manage a weak smile. Chakotay noticed the tension, but she avoided his eyes when he shot her a quizzical glance. Well, Tuvok had certainly given her food for thought and she would have plenty of time to chew over it since her surgery to remove her Borg spinal clamps was scheduled for the next morning. Not that she gave any weight to what he had told her. She was who she was and she couldn't imagine her memories changing her as much as Tuvok thought they would.

"Time to wake up, Captain," the Doctor sang. Kathryn was in a deep well of blackness and stillness and she didn't want to be pulled away from it.

"No, tired," she mumbled. Some chuckles startled her and she slowly opened an eye.

"Ah, there you are! The surgery was a complete success. Don't be alarmed!"

Kathryn was trying to sit up in bed, but her body wasn't responding to her directions.

"Remember what I explained, the swelling has to go down and the paralytic medication has to wear off first before you'll be able to move."

"Okay."

Her mind was clearing along with her vision and there they were smiling down at her: the EMH, her mother, her sister, and Chakotay. They all remained with her throughout the day, but only Phoebe stayed with her in the evening. She was entering the third trimester of her second pregnancy and she managed to wriggle her way onto the biobed next to Kathryn, settling down with a big sigh as she placed her hands on her stomach.

"Comfortable, you bed hog?"

"Yup. So are you going to tell me exactly why you had to have this back surgery?"

"Nope. Classified."

"I hate that word. Classified. Ugh. You may as well be saying you've got a secret, but you're not telling."

"Actually, that's exactly what I'm saying."

"Hmmph. You know, you've got it pretty good. The nurse was explaining it to us while you were in surgery. Since you can't get up for a week while your back is regenerating, this biobed will take care of your needs. It has transporters built into it to get rid of your bodily wastes. I swear I have to get up ten times at night to pee, but maybe I just need to get one of these beds instead."

"That's disgusting," Kathryn responded, but she began to laugh. Phoebe laughed too.

"Luckily, I just went to the bathroom before I came in or I would be having an accident right now."

"Yes, very lucky for me."

"Oh look, the baby has hiccups."

Kathryn watched her sister's stomach, entranced, as it shuddered every few seconds.

"That's amazing, Phoebs. It must be incredible to know that you are creating a new life."

"It really is when you think about it like that instead of just focusing on all the inconveniences."

They talked for a long time about Phoebe's son and the coming baby girl and about her artwork.

"What about you, Katie? What are you going to do now? Mom wants you to retire so much."

"I know she does, but that's not the right decision for me. I just want to be happy again. I want to take control of my life and be happy, but I don't know exactly how to do that." She frowned, thinking about Tuvok. "I can't just sit around and wait for my memories to come back. I want to work and I want to have friends and I want..." She trailed off, now thinking of Chakotay and what it had been like to kiss him. Phoebe looked at her curiously. "I just want to live a full life, exactly how I was planning to before the Delta Quadrant happened."

"Well, that will be a little hard now that Mark's married. Oh, speaking of Mark, he's coming to see you tomorrow and he's going to bring Molly."

"That's good."

"You know, Mom and I were talking and we both agree that Chakotay is wonderful."

"Were you now?" She eyed her sister warily.

"Yup. We were ready to hate him because he's the reason you were out there in the Badlands, but he's pretty amazing."

"He is, isn't he?"

"So, I was wondering just exactly how close you were out there in the Delta Quadrant?"

"You were wondering how close my first officer and I were? My subordinate and I? The man who was technically my prisoner?"

"Okay then. I guess that answers that, except how do you really know? You can't remember anything. Did you actually make a log that said, 'I have never had se-"

"Phoebe! If you must know, we talked about it a little and Chakotay told me nothing ever happened between us."

"Huh. Why not? Were you never interested in each other? I think he's crazy about you, so maybe you didn't care about him. Maybe you turned him down and broke his heart and you don't even know you did it! And now he has to suffer in silence."

"Oh, don't be an idiot. I'm sure it never actually came up. It's completely inappropriate for a captain and first officer to be involved like that, especially when it isn't possible to request a transfer to another ship."

"I guess you're right. Dad would have a cow about that. But you know, now you're not serving on a ship together."

"That's true."

"Are you going to miss him while he's visiting his sister?"

Kathryn frowned. She was going to miss him a great deal. She had been dreading the pending separation ever since he told her of his plans to go to Trebus. She was going to miss him a lot, so much that she didn't know what to think of herself. She wasn't the type to pine for anyone, especially a man.

Yes, Justin's loss had thrown her into a clinical depression, but Chakotay wasn't dying. Leaving Mark had never been this difficult and he had almost been her husband. Chakotay was only a friend she hadn't known for very long. Granted, she was very attracted to him and she knew that they shared a deep friendship even if she didn't remember it, but it was startling how much she wanted Chakotay to say that he wasn't going to leave after all. She had never wished that Mark would come with her on her missions.

She blinked in surprise at that last thought. She had always thought she and Mark had the ideal relationship, both content to pursue their separate careers and maintain their connection through letters and comm links and happy to be together when their schedules allowed. But shouldn't she have felt this dread and pain that came to her when she thought of Chakotay leaving? Shouldn't she have missed Mark more? She had missed him in the Delta Quadrant, there were logs about it, but evidently, she had managed just fine without him. What did it mean that she wanted Chakotay's presence much more than she had ever wanted her fiance's presence?

"Phoebe," she said slowly, "I'm going to miss him a lot. More than I ever missed Mark when I left on my missions. That's wrong, isn't it? I though I loved Mark deeply, but I was just fine leaving him behind."

"What are you saying, that you think you didn't love Mark? You're just over-thinking. Mark was a long time ago. You're rewriting history to fit what you want now. Are you trying to come up with an excuse for being interested in Chakotay? You don't need one, you know. I think it would be great if you decided to start dating him."

"No, you're wrong about Mark. For me, it hasn't been very long. I remember perfectly well how it felt to leave Mark and it didn't bother me one bit. I liked writing him letters and talking to him over the comm, but I was just fine without him. But Chakotay—he's different. It's more. He makes me feel—I don't know. There's a connection between us."

Phoebe was looking at her with concern. "Hey, are you saying you're in love with him? You're right, it hasn't been very long since Mark. Dating is one thing, but you shouldn't be thinking of jumping into something serious so soon, especially not with your memories gone. Chakotay's great, but you don't want to rush into anything. I did that with my first marriage and I ended up divorced. Trust me, you don't want that to happen to you."

"I'm not planning on doing anything, I'm just thinking out loud."

"Well, all right then." Phoebe regarded her suspiciously, but Kathryn ignored her. Tuvok's and Phoebe's warnings were running through her mind, but beneath it all was the way Chakotay made her feel.


	15. Chapter 15

It was good to be home in Indiana and as much as Kathryn missed Chakotay, it was good to be away from him. She needed time to be by herself, to process the events of the past three months, and to think about her future. She had come home with a secured case filled with dozens of padds containing everything from Dominion War briefings to changes in shipboard waste reclamation systems which had been put into effect while she was in the Delta Quadrant. They had been hand-delivered a few at a time by five different admirals while she was on bed rest at Starfleet Medical.

At first, she had been angry. There was no reason for her to have all of this information. No reason at all unless she was being groomed for the admiralty, despite her protests. She resented how her entire future was being laid out for her on the basis that everyone knew what she would want if she were back to normal. She knew exactly what they were doing, guiding her to be ready to step into the role they had chosen for her, a role she hadn't asked for and didn't want.

She was mad enough to spit nails until she actually started to read the padds and was immediately intrigued. The padds detailed a vast array of Federation and quadrant-wide information that made Kathryn appreciate how complicated interstellar civilization truly was. The Dominion War had left chaos in its wake and Starfleet was scrambling to restore order. As Kathryn read, she began making notes about items she wanted to discuss with the admiralty and then frowned, staring at the padds on her lap. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to be an admiral once her memories were restored. It had been her eventual goal, after all. Maybe, but there was still a sharp and pained longing for Voyager and the stars. Impatiently, she tossed the padds into the case and flipped it shut, then carefully made her way to her father's study with the help of her cane. She looked at all of her Voyager cargo containers in dismay. There were so many to go through.

Chakotay had brought them down from her second floor bedroom for her on the day he came to say goodbye. She wouldn't be able to manage stairs yet for another few weeks and Chakotay had been filled with nervous energy. He had insisted on hauling the heavy boxes down for her. Now, sitting down at her father's desk, she remembered their last afternoon together. After he was finished with the boxes, he had taken a tour of the house and property to ensure that the safety measures were in place and functioning. Then he had interrogated her about the location of the phasers in the house, examining her father's phaser safe, and insisting that she wear her communicator at all times in case of emergencies. She had put a stop to it at that point.

"Chakotay! What exactly do you think might happen? Bloomington's a pretty boring place. There might be a few reporters hanging around, but that's it."

"I know." He pulled on his earlobe and then smiled sheepishly at her. "I'm feeling a little anxious about leaving you when you're not at 100%. And I'm anxious about being so far away with unreliable communications."

Kathryn rolled her cane between both hands and looked up at him through her eyelashes, cocking her head to the side.

"It's funny, but three months ago, I didn't even know you and now I can't imagine not seeing you every day."

Chakotay froze for a second and then locked eyes with her.

"You said something very similar to me once. You really are the same person," he murmured.

"That's what I keep telling you. I'm glad it's finally starting to sink in."

Her heart began to pound at the heated way he was taking her in, eyes sweeping over her face and hair. Abruptly, he stood and walked to the window, looking out at the view and breaking the tension that had suddenly started to build between them. She had to swallow her disappointment.

"Where is your thinking tree? I've always wanted to see it."

"I told you about that, huh? It's on the other side of the house. You can't see it from that window. I'll have to take you to see it when you get back. I don't think I could manage the walk today, unfortunately."

"It's a date. You'll have to show me all around Bloomington, too. I've heard so many stories."

"All right, but you'll have to bring me pictures of Trebus. I would like to know about your home, too."

"I will."

Eventually, it had been time for him to leave and it had been hard. To her utter embarrassment, Kathryn had felt her eyes grow hot with unshed tears. Why was she so emotional? Chakotay seemed to be struggling with his own emotions and had pulled her into his arms for a bone crushing hug.

"You take care of yourself and stay out of trouble, understood?" he had said gruffly against the top of her head and she had whispered, "The same goes for you," despite her tight throat. And then he had been gone. The intensity of her feelings when she thought about him were almost frightening. She wondered if this was how she had felt as she had come to know him on Voyager. She had been an engaged woman, though, so perhaps not. It was good that he was gone. She could gain some needed perspective without his distracting presence.

Once more, Tuvok's and Phoebe's warnings came to mind. What Tuvok had told her bothered her more than she cared to admit to herself. She trusted Tuvok's judgment and she had never known him to offer advice unless he truly thought it was needed. But she wasn't going to just sit and twiddle her thumbs while the Doctor looked for a solution. She had already lost seven years and she wasn't going to waste any more of her life. But what if Tuvok was right and she somehow managed to hurt Chakotay? She thought about the way his eyes crinkled when he grinned at her. No, Tuvok was wrong when he said she might not want anything to do with Chakotay once she was herself again. How could she possibly not want to be with him? With determination, Kathryn stood and moved to the nearest cargo container. Tuvok had told her she had changed, had become a different woman. Well, it was time to verify the facts for herself rather than take someone else's word for it.

Over the course of the next week, Kathryn alternated between digging through her belongings and reading her padds, although it was frustrating to examine the items in the boxes. Phoebe called her a packrat, although Kathryn thought collector was a more accurate description. There were so many intriguing odds and ends, but she hadn't labeled most things and it was a guessing game to figure out the significance of some of them.

"What are these?" Phoebe asked one day from the corner of the room.

"I can't see. Bring them over here," Kathryn responded from her seat behind the desk.

"No way. I'm not getting up again unless I have to."

"Well, neither am I. My back is killing me."

"The Doctor said you're supposed to walk around, but don't worry. I'll just throw these away. They look like junk."

"No, don't do that!"

Kathryn hastily pulled herself up and made her way over to her sister. She didn't want to get rid of anything, not until she had her memories back. She looked at the items in her sister's hand.

"These are spent plasma relays. Why would I have these? Voyager doesn't use this type."

"Because you are a packrat. They're junk, toss them."

"Nope. They remind me of some of your sculptures, remember that piece you made in college?"

"Exactly my point. That piece was junk, just like these."

Kathryn grabbed the relays, wondering where they had come from. She closed her eyes for a second, focusing on the heft of the items on her hands, willing her mind to remember when she had first touched and held the relays, but nothing happened. She sighed and carefully placed them in the container with the other objects of unknown provenance which she intended to have Chakotay help her identify when he returned.

"Wow, look at this."

Phoebe had opened a small box and pulled out a long length of auburn hair held together with an elastic band. The hair above the band was jagged and uneven. Phoebe ran her fingers over the jaggedness, frowning.

"It looks like you just hacked it off with whatever you could find. Or like you gnawed it off with your teeth. I wonder what happened. You've always been vain when it came to your hair."

Kathryn took the ponytail from Phoebe and softly stroked it.

"That was one of the first things I noticed when I woke up in sickbay. My hair was gone."

"It's getting long again. It's not fair how quickly your hair grows."

Kathryn wound the length of hair around her wrist, speculating about what had happened. Another thing to ask Chakotay about, although he might not know. She tried to imagine if Mark had been the one to lose his memory. Would she know the story behind each of his keepsakes? Not all of them, she decided, and they had almost married. There was no way Chakotay, who had only been her first officer, would be able to make sense of everything.

"I should have kept a diary," she sighed.

"You really should have, I always loved finding them and reading them. Why didn't you?"

"Brat." Phoebe grinned unrepentantly at her and Kathryn pretended to swat at her with the ponytail. "I guess I was too busy with my logs. I must have spent all of my free time making my logs. I was always worried about Voyager getting home without me and what would happen to the Maquis. I documented everything so that Starfleet could know what fine Starfleet personnel they had become. It must never have occurred to me that it would be just as important to record my own life for myself."

As Kathryn continued to sort her belongings over the next few days, she began to feel very unsettled. Here and there were glimpses of personal interests she had pursued: period clothing she must have worn on the holodeck, a tennis racket, volumes of Irish poetry, sad attempts at oil paintings that Phoebe delighted in critiquing. However, these items were few and far between. Captaining Voyager had obviously become her existence. She had known that, both from listening to her logs and from what everyone had told her, but she truly realized it now as she examined the stark evidence before her.

She discovered a padd with a list of the dead which chilled her to the bone. In it she detailed how each crew member had died and described their service to the ship, but she also recorded personal anecdotes, little stories about her interactions with them on duty or in passing. Losing crew members was the worst part about being in command, but now Kathryn realized how terrible it must have been on Voyager. It wouldn't have been just shipmates who were lost, but friends and family. After the devastating mission with her father and Justin, Kathryn had made the conscious choice to never put herself in such a situation again, to never go beyond professional boundaries with any of her fellow officers, but it would have been difficult to keep such resolve on Voyager. She wondered at the state of her mental health. It couldn't have been healthy to keep such a list of the dead and she very briefly contemplated showing the padd to Deanna Troi or Chakotay. In the end, she didn't place the padd in the box she had come to think of as Chakotay's. Instead, she placed it in a separate box. This box contained Mark's pictures, her engagement ring, and the special little gifts he had given her over the years. She must have packed everything in there after she learned he had moved on without her, although Dante's Inferno was nowhere to be found. She added her ponytail to the pathetic collection and set the box aside. It was depressing her and so she put it out of her mind, deciding not to ever think about any of it ever again.

She couldn't do anything about the past. Only the present mattered. Kathryn speedily finished with her belongings. She had her mother put away the clothing upstairs and finished with the last few odds and ends, sending over many of them to her assigned quarters in San Francisco. Then she considered her next steps. She needed to decide on an assignment and she wanted to get closer to Chakotay. In the meantime, she was going to get closer to others, starting with Tom Paris and B'Elanna Torres.


	16. Chapter 16

Kathryn invited Tom and B'Elanna over for lunch, agonizing about whether it was appropriate to do so. Would they feel obligated to come because she was their former captain? Was it pathetic of her to even want to invite them to her home? It was pathetic, wasn't it? Once, she had enjoyed a large circle of friends, but a war and a detour of seven years had taken them and now she was reduced to attempting to socialize with younger crew members. But her gut was telling her to reach out to them and besides, they had named their baby after her. That alone had to mean something.

Her mother insisted on preparing the food and leaving it in stasis before she left for work, but Kathryn set the dining room table herself, walking carefully with her cane as she made multiple trips from the china cabinet to the table. She finished arranging the flowers and placing the food on the table just as the doorbell rang. Tom and B'Elanna entered with a peaceful baby Miral in her sling across Tom's chest. It was a very polite lunch. They sat at their seats and exchanged pleasantries until Kathryn's face felt numb from her false smiles. Her heart was sinking and she realized this had all been a mistake because everything was completely awkward between the three of them. The night she and B'Elanna had spent on Voyager packing up her belongings must have been a fluke. Her face reddened when she realized Tom was waiting for a response.

"I'm sorry, can you repeat that? I didn't quite catch it."

"I just asked if the Doc is taking good care of you," Tom repeated.

"Oh," Kathryn replied blankly. "Yes, he's very kind. Actually, he's offered to show me his slide shows when I go for my next check-up in a few days. He says I was his biggest fan on Voyager. And he's trying to get tickets to a performance he thinks I'll love."

Tom had just taken a sip of his drink and now he spluttered, spraying water down his front.

"Nice, Tom," B'Elanna snapped, but Tom ignored her attempts to hand him a napkin.

"That little weasel! Don't believe him for a second, Captain. It's all a trick to get you to think you like everything he likes. No one likes his slide shows, especially you. You once tried to get us out of one by having Chakotay call a red alert and I bet anything that performance he's trying to get you to go to is an opera."

"Really? Opera? Are you sure I didn't like his slide shows? He was very adamant that I did."

"Trust me, you didn't. They're a great cure for insomnia, though."

"Well, I'll watch them anyway. They are obviously important to him and I think he's lonely. I'd like to see something produced on Voyager, anyway."

"Careful or he'll show you all of his holoimages," B'Elanna said.

"Hey," Tom exclaimed, "That's a great idea. The Doc should show you his pictures. He was always wandering around with his holocamera once he had his holoemitter. He could put together a decent slide show of life on Voyager. You'd like that, wouldn't you?"

"I would." Kathryn thought of how difficult it had been to go through her belongings. "He could explain everything to me, give me all of the background."

B'Elanna snorted at that. "As long as you realize he exaggerates everything. He'll probably claim it was the ECH who got Voyager home after taking on the entire Collective all by himself ."

"The Emergency Command Hologram. Yes, I know about that, it's an interesting concept."

Tom began to laugh. "Do you remember that time we could see Doc's daydreams on the holodeck?"

B'Elanna also began to laugh and Kathryn smiled politely. She knew the incident they were referring to, Chakotay had also laughed while he told her about it, but she supposed it was one of those moments you had to be there to actually appreciate. Tom quieted after a moment, studying Kathryn carefully.

"I know what we should do. B'Elanna and I can help the Doctor put together a slide show for you. No, we could get everyone to help. Everyone has images and video. We could put together a whole show for you and watch it together when leave is over. We can all tell you about what it was like on Voyager. It was our home, you made it our home, and you should know what it was like."

"That would be nice. I think I would like that."

Kathryn quickly took a bite of her chicken. Tom was looking at her hopefully and she remembered the way he and B'Elanna had tried to get her to acknowledge their baby the day she woke in sickbay. She had hurt them, she realized now. Maybe that was why Tom was always watching her without venturing to initiate conversations with her.

"You know, I'm glad you could come today. I mentioned both of you in my logs so many times. I know you were important to me and I wish I could remember you. It's an honor that you chose to name your baby after me."

Tom and B'Elanna looked at each other and then back at Kathryn. B'Elanna spoke now while Tom took her hand. "You gave us both a second chance. We wouldn't be who we are now without you and we'll always appreciate you for what you did for us."

The awkwardness was gone now and they were able to chat freely for the rest of the meal. Tom had her laughing as he told her stories about Tuvok and Neelix and when Miral woke from her nap, Kathryn asked B'Elanna if she could hold her. She rocked the precious little bundle and felt well-satisfied that she had gained two new friends.

"Do you really think the Doctor is trying to get me to go to the opera with him? I don't like opera."

"Yup, and that's why he's trying to trick you."

"I'll just have to grin and bear it. He seems so lonely and I wouldn't feel right trying to back out. He does so much for me."

B'Elanna frowned and shook her head. "If he's lonely, it's his own fault. That's what he gets for behaving like such a baby over a Borg blonde bi-"

"B'E!" Tom exclaimed. B'Elanna cut herself off, looking like she had literally bitten her tongue while Tom shot her a look and then glanced at Kathryn furtively. She continued to rock the baby, but her interest was piqued.

"Go on, both of you. Why is the Doctor so lonely? Seven of Nine has something to do with it? I assume that's who you were talking about."

"Well..." B'Elanna was flustered and not meeting Kathryn's eyes. Tom took over for her.

"It's just that the Doc is still immature emotionally, you know? He's only been activated for seven years and as pompous as he likes to be, he still has a lot to learn. He's been in love with Seven for years now, helped her become human just as much or even more than you did, but she—uh—she hasn't returned the interest and he doesn't know how to play it cool yet in situations like that. He just avoids her instead of trying to stay friends with her, even though she's his best friend."

"Oh, I see. " Kathryn nodded her head. "He was probably upset when she started dating Chakotay."

"You know about that?" Tom asked, looking shocked. Kathryn cocked her head, wondering at his reaction.

"Of course. I've known for a long time now. Why are you so surprised?"

"Uh—no reason, just, it was over pretty quickly. You don't seem upset—uh-"

"Why would I be upset?"

"Because it was stupid," B'Elanna said with disgust. She rolled her eyes. "I love Chakotay like a brother, but sometimes he's an idiot. It's pretty obvious why he ever dated Seven and I don't like it one bit."

Kathryn couldn't help the instinctive need to defend Chakotay, remembering what a gentleman he was with her.

"He's not an idiot. He's a wonderful man and he's not that type of person."

"Right. I can't wait until you get your memory back and we have this conversation again."

Kathryn opened her mouth to respond to this, wanting to know exactly why B'Elanna thought she would have a problem with Chakotay dating Seven. She and Chakotay hadn't been dating, so why should it bother her that he had gone out a few times with Seven? The doorbell rang, interrupting the conversation, and Kathryn sent Tom to get the door. He returned with Seven of Nine herself and B'Elanna glared at her ferociously.

"Seven, hello! Have a seat. We just ate, but there are plenty of leftovers I can get you."

Kathryn began trying to lean toward Tom to have him take the baby, but Seven quickly refused the offer of food. She perched on the edge of an armchair at Kathryn's insistence, looking horribly uncomfortable. It didn't help that she looked out of place wearing one of her skintight outfits while everyone else was wearing comfortable civilian clothing.

"I apologize for interrupting your social gathering. It didn't occur to me that you would have company."

"That's why normal people call ahead instead of just showing up uninvited, Seven. It's called manners and I bet you must have assimilated some of those along the way," B'Elanna retorted. She glared at her and Seven glared right back while Tom leaned back in his chair, watching his wife's annoyance with great amusement.

"I was invited. The captain told me to come by anytime I wanted."

"She didn't mean it literally!"

Kathryn hastily cut in. "Any Voyager crew member is always welcome to visit at any time. How are you, Seven? Are you still staying in Sweden?"

"No, I returned to San Francisco two days ago to help prepare Icheb to enter the Academy. He will be joining the summer term."

"That's wonderful! I remember how I felt just before going to the Academy. I couldn't sleep or eat, I was so excited. Did you both feel the same way?" She glanced at Tom and B'Elanna.

"Sure. I couldn't wait to get out on my own. My dad had to give me a lecture on making the Paris name proud, of course."

"I got the same lecture from my own father," Kathryn nodded.

"Well, my mom told me I was dishonoring her, but I went anyway," B'Elanna said in a soft tone.

"You've made her proud, B'E," Tom murmured.

"I have replicated the recommended clothing and materials Icheb will require and I have told him that he will represent Voyager adequately, but I am concerned that the Academy will not be as rigorous as the course of study he was completing on Voyager."

"How so? I found the Academy to be very rigorous."

Seven pursed her lips. "He will be required to attend several social events when his time could be put to better use with his studies."

"Oh, but the social events are just as important as the academics, Seven. Cadets have to learn how to get along with others, especially those from totally different backgrounds. It's absolutely essential to the smooth running of the most basic of missions. I'm sure Voyager never would have made it home if we hadn't been able to work together despite our differences."

"I am aware of your feelings regarding the importance of socializing, we discussed it often on Voyager," Seven said dismissively. Kathryn realized what the problem must be as she noticed the way Seven's eyes flicked to B'Elanna, clearly gauging B'Elanna's scrutiny of her.

"Are you worried about Icheb, about how the other cadets will react to him?"

Seven didn't say anything to that, but her widened eyes and the way she gripped her armrests gave her away. Surprisingly, B'Elanna was the first to speak.

"Icheb's going to be fine, Seven. He's a tough kid and he's been through a lot. The Academy will be a piece of cake for him. Even if some people have a problem with him, he'll win them over. He's good at that. You'll see."

"Perhaps you have a point."

Seven seemed to relax after that and they passed another pleasant hour before everyone left. A few days later, Kathryn discovered that Tom was absolutely correct. There was no possible way she had ever enjoyed the Doctor's slide shows, but she grimly watched them when she saw how happy it made him.

"I'm so glad you liked them, Captain! Tom and I are working on the Voyager slide show now, too. I can't wait to show it to you! And I have some good news. I managed to get tickets to that performance I mentioned. It's on Friday night. I can come and pick you up, if you'd like."

"That sounds wonderful."

It was indeed the opera, but at least the Doctor's enthusiasm was entertaining. Kathryn stayed in her assigned quarters that night and went to visit Icheb in his Academy dorm room the next day. She tried to contact Harry Kim as well, but he had gone somewhere with whichever Delaney twin he was dating, so with the help of her cane, she made her way to Admiral Nechayev's office. They had a long talk and managed to hash out an agreement over Kathryn's next assignment. She would be overseeing the analysis of Voyager's scientific data and new technologies and their applications to practical use. She wouldn't be commanding a ship, but it was worthwhile work related to Voyager, which satisfied her, and it would require her to become very familiar with the Federation's status and needs, which satisfied the admiralty.

As Kathryn's back healed, she and her mother returned to San Francisco several times to make her quarters into a home. They arranged furniture, added artwork to the walls, and brought in plants. She spent more time with Tom and B'Elanna and visited Seven at her aunt's home. The time was passing quickly and Kathryn was feeling more in control of herself and her life. Soon, Chakotay would be returning. She couldn't wait to see him again.


	17. Chapter 17

Chakotay called Kathryn one morning when she was home alone. He had just gotten back from Trebus and wanted to say hello to her. It didn't take much urging to get him to agree to come visit her as soon as he could. Kathryn ran up the stairs to change, grateful that she had her mobility back again, and looked through the clothes in her closet in desperation. She and Phoebe had meant to go shopping or at least on a replicating spree once Kathryn's back was better, but they just hadn't gotten around to it yet, so she was stuck with her Voyager clothing. The old uniforms were all hanging there, alongside holodeck costumes, ceremonial clothing she must have worn on distant Delta Quadrant planets, and a meager amount of civilian clothing. She wanted something pretty, something that would make Chakotay's eyes light up the way they had the night she kissed him. Of course, the dress she had worn that night wasn't appropriate for a late spring day in Indiana and neither was the dress she had worn to go out with Tom Riker. Finally, she settled on a blue dress with short sleeves and a full skirt. It seemed like a sturdy enough choice if they went on a walk around Bloomington and she decided she looked decent in it.

She fixed her makeup and hair and examined herself in the mirror, immediately doubting her choice. Maybe it was too youthful for her. She kept forgetting that she was over forty now, not thirty-five. Besides, Chakotay had probably seen her in this dress a million times already. There was probably still enough time to replicate something else. She ran down the stairs, taking the steps two at a time, but the doorbell rang as she reached the first floor and she took a moment to attempt to calm herself before she opened the door.

"Chakotay!"

"Kathryn!"

Chakotay was standing at the door holding a box and wearing dark trousers and a white shirt that emphasized his tan. His hair was a little longer and his eyes crinkled appealingly as he grinned at her. The grin faltered a little as he took her in from head to toe and Kathryn immediately felt awkward and self-conscious. He noticed her quick downward glance at herself and spoke quickly.

"You look beautiful, Kathryn. Beautiful." He spoke reverently and she knew he meant it.

"Come in." She stepped back and Chakotay followed her to the family room. He set the box on the side table and she saw that it was a portable stasis unit.

"I know how much you love fresh flowers, so I brought you some from Trebus. They're from my mother's rose bush. One of the bushes survived the Cardassians, if you can believe it, and Sekaya has taken care of it ever since and grown more from it. She sent you cuttings, too, so you can grow your own bush."

He opened the unit and Kathryn sighed in pleasure at the sight of the roses. They were already in a vase which Chakotay removed and set on the mantelpiece. She pulled a rose from the vase and examined the way the creamy yellow petals changed to a dark pink at the edges, then held it under her nose to take in the fragrance.

"Thank you, Chakotay. They're perfect."

She replaced the rose and turned to look at Chakotay once more. He looked healthy and vibrant. His color was good and the dark circles under his eyes were gone.

"Do I pass inspection, Captain?" he asked, the corner of his mouth lifting up and a dimple appearing.

"Mmm, I'd say you do. You were looking entirely too exhausted before you left."

He was admiring her and she decided the blue dress had been a good choice after all.

"And you're looking more spry than the last time I saw you. How's your back?"

"All better. I'm free from any physical restrictions as of two days ago. We could go look at my thinking tree now, if you'd like."

"I'd love to."

They strolled across the backyard slowly, Chakotay threading their arms together as he asked her about the past month and told her about his visit with his family. They ended up taking a long walk to Bloomington where she showed him her high school, the dance studio she went to as a child, and the university where her mother taught. They ambled back to the house with takeout food which they ate sitting on the front porch while Chakotay showed her pictures of his trip. He was very proud of his sister and her family and of the efforts of his tribe to heal the environmental devastation the Cardassians had wrought on their planet.

"Do you think you'd like to go back there to live and to help?"

"No, not to stay. To visit and help, yes, but Trebus was never my home, even when it was my home, if that makes sense."

"Actually, that makes perfect sense to me. I love coming back to Bloomington, but this wasn't where I ever belonged. I've never-" She paused and then shook her head.

"Go on." Chakotay regarded her curiously, genuinely interested in what she had to say.

"When I sat in my chair on Voyager for the first time, that was the first time I ever truly felt at home. But that's not right. I knew that even then. I would have had to leave Voyager eventually. I wanted to become an admiral someday and settle down somewhere, someday, have a family with Mark when I didn't have this urge to be out there anymore, but who knows if that would have ever happened. I was happy, but I was always restless, looking for something, hungry for something. I was never satisfied."

She began pleating the skirt of her dress between her fingers, wanting to avoid Chakotay's searching gaze as she thought over what she had just articulated for the first time and trying to work out what it meant.

"I think that's why many of us join Starfleet. We sense that there is much more to the universe and we have an unshakeable urge get out there and see it for ourselves. I used to feel that way, too, that hungry feeling, that sense that I'd never be satisfied and then the Cardassians attacked my home and I was filled with anger. It consumed me and I forgot what it was like to not be angry. I lived like that for years until I met you and then the anger was gone and the hungry feeling too. Working with you, helping you, getting our crew home, having you remind me what it truly meant to be a Starfleet officer—it was enough, it was enough for a long time..."

Chakotay trailed off and frowned. Whatever he was thinking about wasn't pleasant. She couldn't help comparing him to Mark, as he sat there on her mother's porch lost in thought. How many times had she and Mark sat in this same spot and talked about anything and everything? Mark had been her center, making her forget that hunger when she was with him, but it had been very easy to leave him. Chakotay, on the other hand. He made her feel that it was all right to be hungry, that he would be right there at her side while she tried to fill herself up. She slid herself closer to him and took his hand, pulling it into her lap and softly stroking the fingers.

"Kathryn-" He tried to pull his hand away, but she held on and after a moment, he gave in, watching her stroke his hand through half-lidded eyes.

"I never would have asked for any of what happened to me, the Delta Quadrant, losing another fiance, having my memories taken from me, but I'm so grateful that you are in my life."

Tentatively, she pulled her hand away from his and touched his face, lightly running a finger over the tattoo on his temple. He shuddered and his eyes were very dark.

"Kathryn," he whispered and his hands were on her waist and he was kissing her, his tongue parting her lips until she opened them and let him in. He tasted her, explored her, his hands following suit, and began kissing and licking down her neck while she gave little gasps of pleasure. She worked her hands under his shirt, wanting to feel his smooth skin, and he pulled away, shaking his head.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have. Especially not when you're wearing that dress."

He stood and began going down the porch steps.

"You're leaving? You're just leaving?" She stood, watching him go incredulously. "You can't just go without any explanation! What the hell is wrong with you?"

Chakotay stopped and turned to face her.

"I told you before, I intend to face you with a clear conscience when you're back to normal. This isn't what you-"

"Shut up! Don't you dare to presume to know what I want or don't want. You don't know anything unless you're a telepath and always knew exactly what I was thinking. I'm me, I'm the same person, I just don't have some memories and when I get them back, I will still remember all of this and I won't think you took advantage of me. I know what I feel right now, I know my own mind, and that won't change."

Chakotay just shook his head, but she saw that he couldn't stop looking at her, his eyes sweeping over her dress.

"I have no excuse for losing control and I'm sorry. I'm still your friend, I will always be your friend and I will always be there when you need me, but I'm leaving right now."

"No! You promised me, you promised you would talk to me, explain to me if I didn't know, if I did something you didn't expect. Explain it to me, tell me why you keep saying no!"

"All right! You're wearing that dress. You wore it on New Earth, when I fell—no, I'm not telling you anything. You'll understand exactly why when you remember everything."

His hands were clenched into fists and he glared at her, then tapped his comm badge and requested a beam out, shimmering away. Kathryn picked up his water glass and threw it with all her might at the spot where he had just been. She turned and kicked the nearest rocking chair, swearing at the resulting pain. Fuming, she gathered up the remains of their lunch and stomped into the house, threw everything into the replicator to be recycled and stomped around the house, not quite sure what to do with the rage building within her.

It was unjust is what it was. He was withholding information from her when he had promised her he wouldn't. She didn't know about New Earth and he knew it. She had mainly recorded her attempts to find a cure for their disease and Chakotay had only told her that New Earth had been when the very last of their distrust had faded and they had become firm friends. She hadn't had any reason to doubt what he said since it was very consistent with her logs and marked the beginning of her obsession with ensuring the Maquis' safety should Voyager make it home without her, but he was holding back on her. Kathryn jogged up the stairs to her bedroom and tore the dress off, half-tempted to recycle it. She threw it into the bottom of her closet, instead, and pulled on jeans and a shirt, then sulked on her window seat. What she needed was a dog to hug and pet. That had always calmed her down. She got up to search for her comm badge, deciding that she would go to Mark's house and get Molly.

In her haze of anger, she hadn't considered the possibility that she would most likely run into Mark's wife and daughter at their home, but there they were. Carla was a tall, blonde woman, younger than Kathryn and their little girl was adorable. Any hesitation she might have felt quickly disappeared. Karla was charming and friendly, gifted at making Kathryn feel at ease. Soon, Kathryn found herself hugging Molly on the floor of the living room while she told Karla and Mark all about Chakotay and his refusal to give in to their feelings for each other. Mark listened thoughtfully, frowning slightly at her.

"Kath, you need to step back. You are pushing for something without understanding what lies beneath. He's holding out on you for reasons that are important to him, whatever they may be. It took me a long time to get you to fall in love with me, but I considered it time well spent because I knew what I wanted in the end. You're going to have to be just as patient with him. If you show him how you feel through your actions, without pushing him, he's not going to be able to resist you. I know how much he cares for you and I think it's only a matter of time until he gives in, if you're patient and understanding."

"No, nothing will ever happen if I don't push. He will just keep things the way they are and what if I never get my memories back?"

Karla responded now. "He has to come to the realization on his own that you might not ever regain your memories. I think you need to spend a lot of time together with him as friends, enjoying your time together, and then you should push for more. He won't be able to resist at that point. It sounds like he's already having to struggle to keep your relationship platonic."

Kathryn mused over their advice while she scratched Molly's belly, finally nodding at their wisdom. The month apart had solidified Kathryn's conviction that she and Chakotay were inevitable.


	18. Chapter 18

Kathryn didn't hear from Chakotay for three days. She had decided to give him his space and didn't contact him. Instead, she focused on her plans and tried not to think about him too much. On the fourth day, she received a call from Admiral Paris informing her that Seven of Nine and Lieutenant Barclay had succeeded in making contact with Neelix via the MIDAS array and that he was quite anxious to talk to her and Chakotay during the next window of communication. Kathryn was overjoyed at the news. Any gathering of Voyager crew members inevitably led to a story about Neelix and he had become a figure of almost mythical proportions in her imagination, too absurd or too good to be true. He was the one person she was able to remember thanks to the botched procedure to restore her memory, although the memory she had regained was only a terrible nightmare. Now she would be able to talk to him and actually get to know him.

She arrived at the Starfleet Communications Research Center the next day with plenty of time to spare. Commander Harkins and Admiral Paris were preparing for the communications window with Reg Barclay and Seven of Nine. They allowed her to examine the equipment while she asked questions about the intergalactic comm link. Chakotay arrived soon after. His well-rested look was entirely gone; the dark circles were back and his shoulders slumped forward. Kathryn was alarmed, but he avoided her attempts to make eye contact.

"We are ready to proceed. Those of you participating must stand in front of the viewscreen. Initiating signal now."

Chakotay moved until he was slightly behind Kathryn to her left. Slowly, the image on the screen resolved and the bewhiskered face of Voyager's morale officer appeared.

"Captain Janeway! Commander Chakotay! Oh, I mean, Captain Chakotay. Seven told me about everything that's happened. Oh dear."

The Talaxian had been grinning delightedly, but now he frowned, almost in tears as he regarded Kathryn.

"Hello Mr. Neelix. It's good to finally meet you. I've heard so much about you. Everyone has very fond memories of you and now I can make some of my own."

"It's wonderful to talk to you again, Captain, but I was so upset when Seven told me what that despicable man did to you. It's terrible. You were always so determined to get Voyager home and it's such a shame you can't remember any of the journey. We had so many adventures! I used to think in the early days that you were crazy for even thinking of trying to get back to the Alpha Quadrant, but you were so sure of yourself that I just had to believe in you after awhile and now look. You did it! You got Voyager home! You really did it! I'm so proud of you, Captain. You're simply amazing. Isn't she, Chakotay? She's just amazing!"

"Yes, she is," Chakotay murmured.

"Tell me about your life on your colony, Neelix."

"Oh, things are going well here. I'll send in a report during the next communications window. The best news is that Dexa and I are married now! Let me tell you, Captain Janeway, married life is very satisfying. Very satisfying indeed. I highly recommend it."

He winked at her and Kathryn laughed.

"Now, I hope you are taking good care of yourself, Captain. That was one thing that concerned me when I left Voyager, who would look after you in my absence. Don't get me wrong, you are a very capable woman, probably the most competent woman I've ever met, but if you have a fault, it's your tendency to lose yourself in your work. I don't know how many times I arrived in the mess hall early in the morning to start breakfast, only to find you there working away on a padd or just looking out at the stars because you had never bothered to go to bed. I asked Chakotay to make sure you rested and got enough to eat since I wouldn't be there anymore. I hope you were able to do that, Chakotay."

"I tried," Chakotay responded flatly.

"Chakotay has been a good friend. He's been very helpful."

"Oh good. Well, I want to know how the Wildmans are doing. Naomi must be so big by now. I'd love it if she could come and talk to me next. And tell me about Tom and B'Elanna's baby! What does she look like? And how is Mr. Tuvok? Is he enjoying being a grandfather? And Mike Ayala, did his sons-"

"Mr. Neelix, I'm sorry to interrupt, I'm Admiral Paris and we need to know if you have anything to report about Borg activity in your area," Admiral Paris said, stepping behind Kathryn and Chakotay.

"Oh, you're Tom's father! Yes, I looked into that yesterday after I talked to Seven and no, no one has picked up any signs at all of Borg activity."

"That's good news. We're transmitting frequencies we'd like you to monitor for us and I believe Seven of Nine has also included updates on Voyager's crew for you. We'll try to communicate again during the next window and we'll bring other members of Voyager's crew to talk to you."

"That's wonderful!"

Seven spoke up now. "We are losing the signal."

"Goodbye, Mr. Neelix," Kathryn said and she could barely make out his hand waving at her before the screen blanked out. She couldn't keep herself from grinning.

"He's delightful! What a colorful character."

"I have missed him," Seven said and she looked almost wistful.

Kathryn was drawn into a conversation with Admiral Paris and by the time it was over, Chakotay had slipped out of the room. She scowled so fiercely when she realized he was gone that Reg Barclay turned pale and immediately backed away from her. There was nowhere she had to be, so Kathryn walked aimlessly down the street after leaving the building. Her feet automatically led her to Starfleet Medical and she followed the now very familiar route to the Doctor's office, deciding that she might as well get her weekly memory check out of the way. The office was empty, but it looked as if he'd only stepped away for a moment, so Kathryn settled down at the desk. It was cluttered with dozens of padds and Kathryn was immediately intrigued. The screens she could see all displayed Voyager crew members. He must have been working on her slide show. He and Tom were refusing to show her any of their work, wanting her to see it all for the first time at a crew reunion they were planning to have when leave ended.

Kathryn immediately grabbed a padd and scrolled through its images, smiling at the many pictures of Naomi Wildman. This must have been Samantha Wildman's contribution. She set the padd down and chose another. This one contained recordings of various Voyager social gatherings. She watched a few seconds of a talent show before moving on to a pool tournament that had been held on the holodeck. She was competing against Tom Paris and they were both having the time of their lives trading insults at each other while a crowd looked on. The Kathryn on the padd had long hair that reached her waist, kept out of her face by a barrette at the top of her head. Kathryn sighed, staring at the hair and touching her own hair. It was just past her shoulders now, but nowhere near the length she remembered. Why had she ever cut it? She examined the people in the crowd, trying to see if she could identify them. There was Neelix! He was pointing at the pool table and talking to-oh, that must be Kes. Kathryn magnified and shifted the recording so that she could better see her. Kes had been very special to Kathryn, she had mentioned her often in her logs and now Kathryn watched her curiously. Kes was smiling knowingly, glancing from the Kathryn at the pool table to someone just beyond Neelix. Kathryn further adjusted the recording in order to see who had captured Kes' interest so thoroughly. It was Chakotay! Oh my, he was handsome with his salt and pepper hair. Why had he decided to cover up the gray? He was nursing a drink and deeply enthralled by the pool game. No, Kathryn realized. He wasn't watching the game at all, he was watching her, slightly adjusting his position every time someone blocked his view of her. And Kes was the only one who seemed to notice. Chakotay must have felt her scrutiny because he suddenly turned his head to catch her watching him. Kes looked toward the Kathryn at the pool table and then back at him and gave him a sympathetic look. Chakotay immediately set his drink down and moved away past the camera's range, the rapt interest on his face quickly replaced by a stoic expression. The whole little exchange had lasted only a minute or two and the Kathryn at the pool table played on, oblivious to it all as she trounced Tom Paris.

Kathryn watched the scene again and then again. She entered search parameters into the padd and watched the recordings in which she and Chakotay both appeared. She systematically entered the same search parameters into each padd she picked up and examined the resulting images, her heart pounding more and more at the hidden story she was uncovering. She must have known, it was so obvious. It was written on his face, in the way he looked at her, in the way he smiled at her, in almost every image or recording she found. He loved her. He was in love with her.

Kathryn left the office in a daze, barely aware of her surroundings. She made it back to the transporter station somehow and sat at the base of her thinking tree. What in the world had she been thinking, what had she thought he felt for her if not love? Why else had he been so kind, so attentive, so gentlemanly with her ever since she had awoken in sickbay? She must have been blind not to have realized what the tension between them meant, that it was more than simple lust or romantic interest or even friendship. She had been lost, angry, terrified, grief-stricken, too absorbed in her own emotions and experiences to see what was lying beneath the surface. Tuvok's words of caution to her made so much more sense now. He knew of Chakotay's feelings and was trying to keep her from hurting him. But there was no reason for caution. While it wasn't spelled out in her logs, Kathryn instinctively understood that she never would have been open to exploring love with Chakotay in the Delta Quadrant, but duty was no longer a barrier. There were no barriers now. Perhaps some caution would be necessary, in order not to scare Chakotay away. She would take Mark's and Karla's advice and spend time with him, show him through her actions that she was ready to explore their feelings for each other. She hid her flushed face in her knees as she grinned with joy. Chakotay loved her!


	19. Chapter 19

Kathryn's decision to spend time with Chakotay and win him over slowly was a good one. It was just unfortunate that she wasn't able to put it into practice. He was deliberately avoiding her. He hadn't contacted her once and her communiques went unanswered. He wasn't staying at his quarters or at least not answering the door when she rang the chime. So much for always being her friend and being there for her if she needed him. Kathryn's exhilaration at learning of his love for her turned to anger and hurt.

The second month of leave slipped quietly away. Kathryn and Phoebe went clothes shopping and the entire family went to the Grand Canyon. Seven, her aunt, and Icheb joined them for a day. Both Seven and Icheb denied any knowledge of Chakotay's whereabouts, but their cool expressions were capable of hiding any number of secrets. The senior staff visited her often, even Harry Kim, and Kathryn's suspicions were aroused by his fidgety behavior. No one else would admit to it, but she easily managed to break Harry and he told her that Chakotay had ordered them all to check on her frequently and report on her condition to him. Harry further explained to Kathryn that Chakotay was staying at his quarters, but was always alerted by security when she arrived, so that he could easily slip out and avoid her. Kathryn stared at Harry incredulously before whirling away to stare out of the window, her hands on her hips.

"I shouldn't have told you, Captain. Look, it doesn't make any sense to me why he's acting this way, but you should go easy on him. He's been under an enormous amount of pressure ever since—ever since we got home." Harry eyed her uneasily.

"Since my attack, you mean. You can say it. I don't care for dancing around issues and I don't care for Chakotay very much either, right now."

"Okay, fine then, since your attack. He's been under an enormous amount of pressure since your attack, the attack we were all forced to watch, the attack where you were helpless to defend yourself because I personally restrained your hands behind your back. Chakotay's been doing everything and taking care of everyone since that attack, especially you. He has this list, on a padd, of orders from you. It's everything you wanted him to do in case Voyager made it home without you and he's obsessed with it. He doesn't want you to be disappointed in him once you get your memories back. Did you know he's already back on duty? He worked almost as hard as you did on Voyager, but he went back on duty after only one month of leave to personally oversee Voyager's retrofit because he knows how much Voyager means to you. Maybe he's a little crazy right now, but anyone would be in his shoes. So you should go easy on him."

Kathryn covered her mouth and worked on calming herself before responding.

"Harry, I don't blame you at all for my attack. It's not your fault." Harry scoffed at that and she placed a hand on his shoulder. "I mean it. I keep saying this over and over, but it's the truth. The only one at fault is Braxton. Will you please do me a favor? Go and tell Chakotay to come and see me. Tell him he promised he wouldn't cut me out of his life, that he promised he would talk to me."

"All right, I will."

Chakotay sent her a text message a few hours later and they arranged for him to come see her the next day. This time, Kathryn was careful to dress in newly replicated slacks and a short-sleeved sweater, wanting to avoid any other potential land mines hidden in her Voyager wardrobe. Chakotay was a man on a mission, barely waiting until they were both seated at the kitchen table with coffee to begin talking.

"Kathryn, I need to apologize for the way I behaved the last time I was here and also for the way I've been avoiding you. What I did wasn't right and it won't happen again. I had no right to—to kiss you or touch you."

Kathryn examined him thoughtfully. He looked beyond weary and miserable.

"The only wrong thing you did was to leave me. I liked kissing you. I liked it a lot. There's no shame in that, not for me and not for you. I'd like to kiss you again and I think you'd like to, as well. There's no reason for you to be so upset with yourself."

Chakotay closed his eyes for a moment and then opened them again, shaking his head.

"No, Kathryn. You're wrong. You're sweet, you're open and you're trusting." His eyes swept over her and Kathryn felt her skin tingling at the way his gaze lingered on her. "You don't know what you really want. All I can think of is facing you once your memories are restored and I can't knowingly do something you don't want. It will destroy our friendship."

It was too much. No matter how many times she protested that she knew her own mind, none of them ever listened to her. They insisted that they knew better, that she didn't want Voyager anymore, that she was burned out, that she was a changed woman, that she didn't want Chakotay. No more. Kathryn slammed her coffee cup on the table so hard that it cracked. Chakotay's head snapped back in surprise and she spoke slowly and venomously.

"You love me. You're in love with me. Why are you such a coward? I want you, what's stopping you? You're using my memory loss as an excuse and I don't know why. I can tell you that the way I feel right now is the way I would have felt on Voyager. I just couldn't do anything about it until I got Voyager home. Well, we're home now. I got us home, I lost seven years of my life in exchange, but I did it, so what the hell is stopping you?"

Chakotay's face flushed red and he pushed his chair away from the table. He stood and placed his hands on the table, looking down at her.

"Okay, Kathryn, you asked for it. You've always known I love you, but you never cared. The only thing you ever cared about was getting Voyager home. I never imposed on you, I only ever wanted to help you. I tried to make it easier for you, I tried to get you to take care of yourself, to let you be yourself sometimes, but you wanted to be miserable. You wouldn't let yourself be happy, you let your guilt eat you alive. You know what I think? You weren't going to be satisfied until you got yourself killed getting Voyager home. You succeeded, didn't you? You came back in time and you sacrificed yourself to the Borg Queen and Braxton took care of the other you. Do you know the kind of hell it was to love you? Sometimes you let me get close to you, other times you slapped me down and all I could do was watch you lose yourself. I tried to stop you from crossing the line, but I couldn't do anything to stop it! My God, Kathryn, an alliance with the Borg! You almost murdered Lessing. You stole a transwarp coil from the Borg. You went and got yourself assimilated on purpose and I let you! I had to give up on you to keep from going crazy and you never even noticed. You never even cared when I started dating Seven."

He gave a harsh little laugh and Kathryn clutched the edge of the table, feeling as if she wanted to vomit.

"And now you're the Kathryn I first met, you're the Kathryn I fell in love with, but it isn't going to last. You'll get your memories back and you'll go back to who you really are. My only hope has been that once that happens, maybe you might stop taking me for granted as your first officer. So Kathryn, that's how I know you don't want anything to do with me and that's what's stopping me. I'm not going to let you hurt me anymore."

Kathryn wiped away the tears trickling down her cheeks.

"Get out," she whispered.

Chakotay was breathing harshly and he straightened, wrapping his arms around himself. He blinked and stared at her, dazed, then stricken.

"Oh, Kathryn, I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

He moved toward her, one hand reaching out to her. She shot up and her chair fell over.

"I told you to get out!"

"Please, Kathryn, let me stay. We never talked about any of it, ever. Let's make it right."

"Go now, or I'll call security."

She raised her hand to her comm badge and Chakotay let out a choked moan.

"I never stopped loving you, not once, not even when I was dating Seven. I wanted you to love me, but it was enough to just work with you, to just watch you. I loved watching the way you strutted on the bridge, the way you commanded Voyager as if you had been born to do it."

Kathryn tapped her comm badge.

"All right, I'll go."

He gave her one last agonized look and left. Kathryn made it to the kitchen sink just in time to vomit. She rinsed out her mouth and cleaned the sink, then went up the stairs to her bedroom. She pulled off the new clothes and crawled into bed, but despite the blankets, she couldn't stop trembling. She hadn't wanted to see the truth everyone had been trying to show her, but now she had no choice but to face it head on. Of course she had been changed by her seven years in the Delta Quadrant, but it hadn't been for the better. Even Tuvok had told her that, even Admiral Paris. She had become a monster, someone who made deals with the Borg and tortured fellow Starfleet officers, a woman who was so consumed by her mission that she had done the unthinkable, she had broken the Temporal Prime Directive. For the first time, Kathryn realized that she deserved what Braxton had done to her. In fact, she deserved more. What she didn't deserve was to be happy. She was still in bed hours later when her mother arrived home from work. She could hear her calling out her name, but Kathryn was too numb to respond. Eventually, Gretchen came up the stairs and found Kathryn in bed.

"What's wrong, sweetheart? Are you sick?"

Gretchen sat down on the edge of the bed and softly stroked Kathryn's head. Kathryn sighed and the tears began to fall once more. Her mother continued to stroke her hair with one hand while the other hand went to rest against her forehead, checking for a fever. Kathryn could almost believe that she was a child again, safe and cozy, an innocent little girl who had never heard of the Delta Quadrant, who thought only happiness was in her future. She began to sob and her mother made comforting noises, then reached for the hairbrush and brushed Kathryn's hair until there were no more tears. Haltingly, Kathryn told her of Chakotay's visit and her realization that she had become a monster, a person she wouldn't even recognize, let alone like or respect.

"That's not true, Golden Bird. It's not true at all. You did things you regretted, you made hard choices, but you weren't a monster."

"Oh Mom, you don't know, you weren't there."

"You wrote to me, Bird. Lots of letters. You didn't have anyone to confide in, not really. Chakotay and Tuvok were your friends, but they also had to see you as the invincible captain. You couldn't tell them how scared you were. You started writing letters to me very soon after you were first lost and you sent them all to me once Project Pathfinder was up and running. I didn't know if it would be upsetting for you to read them, but I think it's time now."

Gretchen left the room and returned after a moment, placing a padd in Kathryn's hands.

"You read these and you'll see." Her eyes narrowed. "And don't you worry one bit about Chakotay's opinion of you. Don't you let him make you feel anything less than the magnificent woman that you are. I'm deeply proud of the who you are now and also the woman you were when you wrote those letters and I know your father would feel exactly the same way."

Her mother left her alone to read the letters and she scrolled through page after page, tears flowing once more. She had maintained confidentiality, never revealing classified information, so the individual letters weren't long or detailed, but the emotions shone through, raw and deep. Her mother was right. She wasn't a monster, just someone who had been thrown into an impossible situation and against all the odds, she had brought her ship home. Now she was in another impossible situation and trying to make sense of her life, but she would triumph once more.


	20. Chapter 20

Kathryn and her mother left for Hawaii the next day. Risa would have been better, farther away from any of the Voyager crew and Chakotay especially, but Starfleet was still requesting she remain planetside, and besides, Gretchen was still working. She beamed back and forth from Indiana to their resort. Sometimes Phoebe, her husband Nathan, and Eddie joined her when Gretchen was at the university, other times Kathryn enjoyed the solitude. Chakotay sent her desperate messages pleading for forgiveness every few days. Kathryn didn't respond to any of them, but she thought about him a great deal, about the inexplicable behaviors Harry Kim had described, and she finally contacted Admiral Paris to request that he order psychological and medical evaluations for him. She agonized before making the request because it implied she didn't believe he was fit for duty, but the truth was that she was deeply concerned about him, despite the anger and hurt he had caused her. The desperate messages stopped coming very soon after her request and Admiral Paris informed her that Chakotay was now on leave while he underwent the counseling he should have received throughout the debriefings, which included treatment for his previously undiagnosed post-traumatic stress disorder.

"I don't understand. I thought he was receiving counseling like everyone else. Why wasn't this caught earlier?"

Admiral Paris sighed heavily. "He went to two sessions, but he seemed to be coping so well, at least at first. To be honest, we needed him there working, not in counseling sessions. You, the second officer, the chief engineer, and the pilot were all out of commission. He was all we had."

Kathryn glared at him. "I know duty sometimes requires disregarding the well-being of an officer, but Voyager's homecoming wasn't that type of priority. We weren't in a battle situation."

Admiral Paris' voice turned chilly. "We didn't know that at the time, Captain. For all we knew, the Collective would be retaliating after you destroyed their transwarp hub, or Species 8472 might have followed you home, or any number of other unforeseen consequences might have happened. Captain Chakotay was aware of the importance of the debriefings and he did his duty."

Kathryn went out to the beach after that conversation, but the pounding of the waves and the heat of the sun on her skin couldn't wipe the distaste from her mind. Where was the compassion for a fellow officer? Did all admirals lose it when they gained the new rank bars and is this who they were expecting she would become as soon as she was able to be promoted? She sat up, seeing her mother walking out to join her.

"Hello, sweetheart." Gretchen kissed her cheek and sat down with a sigh on the recliner next to Kathryn's towel. "How was your day? You looked deep in thought."

"I was. I talked to Admiral Paris today. Chakotay—well, I can't breach confidentiality, but I'm appalled at the lack of consideration he's been given. He's only just now getting the help he needs."

Gretchen considered this, her eyes narrowing the way they did every time Chakotay's name was mentioned.

"Is it post-traumatic stress disorder?" she finally asked. She nodded knowingly at Kathryn's startled reaction. "I thought so, but I didn't say anything because I assumed he was being treated for it. Starfleet has been so proactive about your care that I assumed they were doing the same for him. Well, you know what they say about people who assume things."

"How did you know?"

"Your father had PTSD, too. It was when you were a little girl, before Phoebe was born. There was a mission that went terribly wrong and he was sent home to recuperate. It almost destroyed our marriage."

"Mom, I never knew."

"No, Edward never wanted anyone to know about it. He was ashamed of it at first. He was used to always being the strong and dependable one and he didn't want anyone, especially me, to see him weak and hurt. I actually threw him out of the house at one point. You didn't need to be exposed to his anger and self-hate. But we worked through it and it made us stronger in the end. I never did find out what happened on that mission, though. Classified."

Kathryn scooted close to her mother and leaned against her leg.

"You've always been the strongest one of all. Daddy used to say that all the time." She inched even closer and laid her head in her mother's lap. "Mom, I think I love him. I think I've always loved him. Those letters I wrote to you—when I told you about him in them—I think I was trying to tell you there. It was the only place where I could admit it."

"That was the impression I got." Gently, she stroked Kathryn's hair.

"I must have missed you so much while I was in the Delta Quadrant, Mommy." After a moment, she continued. "Love's not enough, though, not always. I don't see how we can go on from here, not unless I get my memories back. I see that now, I see why he hasn't been willing to allow us to become closer. There's just too much I don't know and we're both hurt."

"Whatever your relationship ends up becoming, you should be open with each other, lay everything out on the table."

"You're right. Honesty. I've been as honest with him as I could be, but he hasn't. He's constrained by what he thinks I will be like when I get my memories back. But that needs to end. I need his honesty."

She went to see Chakotay at his quarters a week later. The meeting had been arranged through text messages and she was nervous seeing him again, but Chakotay was very composed, which helped put her at ease. In fact, he looked healthy, the healthiest she had ever seen him. The dark circles were gone and his complexion was a healthy color. He stood straight without any slump to his shoulders and he looked her straight in the eyes when they talked, although he made no secret of the fact that he was examining her from head to toe.

"Has the Doctor seen that sunburn yet?" he asked with a cautious smile as he led her into the living room.

"Yes, and he lectured me. So have my mom, my sister, my brother-in-law, and my three year-old nephew. I don't care one bit that I got burned, that's what dermal regenerators are for anyway. I needed to lie in the sun all day long and soak it up."

"It sounds like you were making up for lost time. Your mind doesn't remember being stuck on a ship for seven years, but your body does. Where did you go?"

"Hawaii. I love the beach, it's always been very soothing for me."

They stared at each other awkwardly for a moment and both spoke at the same time. "We need to talk."

"Let me go first, please," Chakotay said and Kathryn nodded. He paused for a moment, as if gathering his thoughts. "First, I want to thank you for ordering those evaluations for me. I needed help desperately and I'm getting it now. I'm seeing a doctor and a counselor. They're working together and they've come up with a good plan for me. I'm learning a lot about myself and why I've been acting the way I've been acting, which brings me to my next point. I want to apologize yet again for how I've behaved with you and especially for the way I talked to you the last time we saw each other. Those were things I needed to say, but they should have waited until your memory was restored. They aren't things you, in your current condition, can answer for or maybe even understand, and I shouldn't have said them to you yet and certainly not in anger."

"I'm glad you're not upset about the evaluations. I was worried you would assume I thought you weren't fit for duty, but I was very concerned about you. I can already tell it's made a difference. You just look so much healthier now."

"Yes, and I feel much better, too, but Kathryn, do you forgive me? I need to know whether I've damaged our friendship irreparably."

"I don't know if I can answer that, Chakotay. You hurt me every time you push me away. You've been a lifeline for me. Maybe you don't realize just how lost I feel sometimes, but I do and you were always there for me, but then you started pushing me away. If that's what you need to do for your own sake, then tell me now. Just be honest and tell me you can't be around me. I will understand and respect that, but I can't abide having you push me away and I won't, not anymore. Just be honest with me and don't hold anything back from me. I know you've been holding back and you need to stop. You also need to stop obsessing over what will happen once I regain my memories. You must think you're being kind when you do that, but you're only hurting me."

Chakotay closed his eyes for a moment. "Okay, I'll be honest, no more holding back. I don't want to push you away anymore. I never meant to hurt you, that was the farthest thing from my mind. The crux of everything is that I love you, I've loved you for so long and it scares the hell out of me to tell you. You didn't want to hear me say that on Voyager and so I didn't. Now I've made myself vulnerable by telling you because you probably still won't want to hear it when you are yourself again ."

"What do you think I'll do the minute I remember everything, laugh at you for loving me or taunt you for it? Do you think of me as such a cruel woman? That's not a rhetorical question, I really want to know."

"No, no, of course not."

"That's a relief. I should be honest with you, since I'm insisting on it from you. I think I'm falling in love with you and I'm pretty sure I was in love with you on Voyager, but I understand if that's something you're not ready to explore. Can we please just be friends again? Can we just spend time together again? And if something more develops between us, can we just be adults and let it happen naturally without anymore pushing away?"

"Yes, I would love that, Kathryn. I've missed you so much." His eyes were shining and Kathryn smiled, feeling peaceful at last.

"All right, then I forgive you. We're friends again."

"Good, and as your friend, I have to say that I don't approve of you lying in the sun without using your sunscreen hypospray. You're as red as a lobster and you're peeling all over the place. Now, tell me. Has the Doctor made any progress yet? I overheard a rumor the other day when I was at Medical, but he wouldn't tell me because of doctor/patient confidentiality."

"Possibly. Seven has finally been allowed to help the Doctor with his research. She thinks nanoprobes used in conjunction with the biotemporal field will realign my engrams. It could be dangerous, though, especially with the way I reacted with the last procedure, so they are taking their time researching the possible side effects. Please don't tell anyone about it. I don't want my family to know yet."

"I won't, you can trust me, but that is good news!"

"Don't get your hopes up, I'm not. Listen, I'm going to be moving into my quarters here on Saturday. Would you like to come and help?"

"Sure. We'll be neighbors again! Does this mean you're going back on duty?"

"Absolutely. It's been very nice to spend so much time with my family, but I'm itching to get back to work. I didn't need such a long leave, I had a week off just before joining Voyager."

"Kathryn, that was seven years ago. You've worked almost non-stop for the past seven years."

"But does it really count if I can't remember any of that stress?"

"I would say it does. It's like I told you earlier, your body remembers, even if you don't. I can see the good the time off has done you."

When it was time to leave, Chakotay followed Kathryn to the door and at the last moment, pulled her into a brief, tentative hug.

Moving day turned into a big party. Kathryn's family and her entire senior staff, except for Tuvok, were all there to help her move into the section of officer's quarters which had been set aside for the former Voyager crew and which Tom Paris had aptly named Voyager Village. She and Gretchen had already done much of the work of making her quarters livable, but Phoebe's artistic sense was offended by the way they had arranged the furniture and artwork. She barked orders to anyone who would listen while she stood back and examined the effects of their furniture rearrangement. Tom Paris took to saluting her and shouting, "Yes, Ma'am!" to much general amusement. Chakotay worked quietly, but he still appeared well and he smiled at Kathryn whenever he caught her eye. As far as she knew, no one else had been told of his PTSD, not even B'Elanna. From the short conversations she heard, they seemed to think he had finally decided to take some time off.

Eventually, they settled down to eat sandwiches, fruit, and cookies brought by Mark and Karla, who had also come to help. Jenny, their little daughter, ran through the rooms with Eddie, both giggling wildly and Kathryn watched them, probing her emotions about her former fiance's child playing with her nephew. It didn't hurt at all, she realized, and she was glad Mark was here with his wife and daughter, just another part of the circle of family and friends she was forming around her. Braxton had intended to steal away everyone and everything she held dear, but in the end, he had failed.

Phoebe discovered the box of Kathryn's unknown Voyager belongings and a fascinating conversation about their origins ensued. B'Elanna told her about the man named Caylem who had rescued Kathryn and given her a lovely necklace. Tom identified the petrified remnants of a leola root which Kathryn had assumed was a rock of some sort. After a long meandering discussion about Talaxian cuisine, Seven explained that the spent plasma relays came from the power distribution plant on Quarra where the crew had worked after being kidnapped and having their memories altered to forget all about Voyager. The entire incident had to be explained for the benefit of her family and the Johnsons.

"You must have loved working at that power plant if you kept this old junk," Phoebe commented, tossing a relay up and down in her hand.

"The captain was more concerned with fraternizing than she was with her work." Seven's tone left no doubt what she thought of Kathryn's behavior. Phoebe looked up eagerly, wanting to know more.

"Fraternizing, really? My perfect sister? Just who was she fraternizing with?"

"Employee 1326."

"His name was Jaffen," Chakotay said. "He was very special to you. You probably kept those relays to remember him by. He helped us get you and the crew back. I can tell you more another time, if you'd like."

Kathryn tilted her head in acknowledgment and picked up one of the relays, wondering what Jaffen had looked like.

After a moment's silence, Mark commented, "In a way, those of you who had your memories altered know what Kathryn is going through right now, then."

There was a pause as Kathryn's senior staff stared at each other and then at her.

B'Elanna responded, sounding a little stunned. "I guess you're right about that. I can't believe I never made the connection before. It was one of the most confusing and terrifying times of my life. I can't even describe it. Oh, Captain, if this is how you've felt..."

Kathryn blinked hard, desperate to maintain her composure in front of everyone. Chakotay quickly took the attention from her by asking who was planning to go talk to Neelix next and she shot him a look of gratitude during the ensuing conversation. He lingered when everyone else began leaving, tidying up the remnants of the impromptu meal while Kathryn said goodbye to her family. She placed her hands on her hips and surveyed the changes to her living room.

"Do you mind helping me put everything back the way it was? I don't know what in the world Phoebe was thinking."

"Are you kidding me? If you didn't like what she was doing, why didn't you stop her?"

"Did you see the way she was acting? She's impossible right now. I can't wait until the baby comes, only two more weeks now."

They worked together to rearrange the furnishings and paintings. Catching sight of the plasma relays lying on top of the bookshelf, Kathryn asked Chakotay to tell her about Jaffen. He frowned, but spoke without any hesitation.

"Now that I've met Mark, I think Jaffen reminded you of him. They have similar personalities and they even look alike from a distance if you squint."

"Really? Huh. That's very interesting. Well, go on."

Together, they picked up a shelf and moved it while Chakotay continued talking.

"You were in love with each other. You moved in with him the same night I went to rescue you. I didn't spend much time with him, but he seemed to be a very nice man."

Kathryn plopped herself down on the floor and leaned against the wall.

"I moved in with him? But we were only there a month!"

"Three weeks."

"I can't believe I would move in with someone I only knew for three weeks."

"You really cared for him. I saw you two together and I could tell. But it didn't matter in the end. Once you had your memories back, you said goodbye to him and resumed being the captain of Voyager without a second thought."

Kathryn watched Chakotay carry her boxes of books from the corner to the bookshelf. She saw how his hands were clenching the box.

"The situations aren't the same, Chakotay. On Quarra, my memories were completely altered. That's not the case with me now."

"You're right." There was a hint of doubt in Chakotay's voice.

Kathryn knelt and opened a box of books. She began sorting the books and placing the poetry on the top shelf.

"I wish I knew what happened to my Inferno," she murmured after a moment.

"Actually, I have it. You loaned it to me and I never had a chance to return it."

"Well, there's one mystery solved."

"I can go get it for you right now, if you'd like."

"No, another time. Tell me how you are."

He knelt down next to her and began removing books as well. She didn't even have to tell him how she liked having her books organized. He already knew.

"We traded books back and forth all the time. Believe me, I know how they should be placed. My treatment is going well. I've been taking the time to go on vision quests everyday." Chakotay sighed. "It's a very good thing we got home when we did. They tell me I was headed for a nervous breakdown. I wouldn't have been much of a first officer for you then and with Tuvok sick, what the hell would you have done? What did you do? Sometimes I wonder about what happened in that timeline the admiral changed."

"I suppose it'll always be a mystery."

Kathryn's logs contained nothing of what her future counterpart had told her of the future that awaited her if she didn't use the transwarp hub to get home. Chakotay suddenly yawned hugely and Kathryn laughed.

"You'd better get to bed. I appreciate all of your help."

She walked him to the door and gave him a big hug. Chakotay returned the hug and finally left with a smile on his face. Kathryn went back on duty later that week. Her new assignment was engrossing and just what she needed. She immediately began putting a task force together to develop a slipstream drive along with several other smaller groups to investigate specific Federation needs. She took up her workouts once more, going on early morning runs and working out in the gym. She went to her weekly memory checks at Starfleet Medical and talked to her mother and sister often, going to Indiana for two days when Phoebe's little girl finally made her appearance. Throughout it all, Chakotay was often there. Some days, he went off by himself, craving solitude, but most times he was part of Kathryn's life. He met her for coffee and they sat for hours talking about their days. Other times, they walked through the city together and stopped to eat at whichever restaurant caught their eye. Their interactions were easy and free and it was delightfully easy to talk about anything at all.

Kathryn's forty-third birthday arrived suddenly and Gretchen organized a birthday dinner at a San Francisco restaurant which her senior staff, family, and the Johnsons attended. Chakotay arrived late and a little breathless. He only winked at her when she asked what had kept him and he insisted on accompanying her home after the dinner was over.

"Close your eyes and don't peek," he instructed, when they arrived at her door. For good measure, he placed his hands over her eyes and she tried to ignore the goosebumps breaking out on her arms at his touch. He guided her through the door.

"Okay, now you can look."

She opened her eyes and stared at the neat little upright piano standing next to her bookshelf. Chakotay was watching her reaction closely and she gasped, covering her mouth.

"A piano? You got me a piano? How did you know? I've never told anyone."

"You told me it was one of your regrets, how you wished you'd listened to your mother and had made the time to learn to play a musical instrument. I promised myself right then that when we got home, I would get you a piano and make sure you had the time to learn to play it. I've got a list of piano teachers in the -"

His words were cut off when she hurtled herself against him and hugged him tightly. He smelled so good and she enjoyed the feel of his arms around her. It was the most natural thing in the world to get up on her toes and kiss him. Chakotay froze, but after a moment's hesitation, he didn't pull away. Instead, he held her close and returned the kiss.


	21. Chapter 21

"We're going to do it gradually, a few sections of your brain at a time. You'll recover your memory slowly, which is what I recommend. I'm afraid that doing it any other way might be too overwhelming for you."

"Sounds good to me. When can we schedule the procedure?"

The Doctor considered the question while Kathryn swung her legs back and forth impatiently from her perch on the edge of the biobed.

"I think Seven and I will have the biotemporal chamber tested and ready by the end of the month. Let's plan on the first week of July to be safe."

"All right."

So soon, only three weeks away. Kathryn was both elated and terrified. She would finally know. But how would it change things for her and the life she had slowly built for herself?

"Well, we're done for now. I'll see you at the slide show presentation tomorrow night."

"I'm looking forward to it." Kathryn hopped down and started to walk away, then stopped and casually turned around as if it had just occurred to her.

"Oh, Doctor, I'd like my contraceptive booster updated. May as well since I'm already here."

The Doctor's eyebrows shot up and he gave her a piercing look.

"Really? Do you realize this is the first time you've ever asked for your contraceptive booster? I always had to drag you into sickbay to give it to you, up until you stopped taking it altogether. How interesting that you've suddenly become so responsible. I wonder if there was a catalyst for this request. I've heard some interesting rumors and you know, you're not the only suddenly reproductively responsible patient I've seen lately."

He stood there expectantly, but Kathryn maintained her stoic expression.

"The contraceptive booster now, Doctor. I have to get back to work."

The hypospray hissed against her neck, but the Doctor wasn't done digging for dirt.

"Interesting bruise you've got there on your neck, Captain. Oh, I stand corrected, it's a bite mark. Now how did you manage to get a bite mark there? What a mystery! I bet if I analyze the dental pattern I might make a positive match with a certain other suddenly reproductively responsible member of-"

Kathryn yanked her collar back up and stalked away indignantly without saying goodbye. She had discovered over the course of the past three weeks that her Voyager crew members were all terrible gossips, every last one of them, all the way down to Seven of Nine and Naomi Wildman. She and Chakotay had been paragons of discretion ever since the night of her birthday, the night they had become lovers, but still, somehow the crew suspected and were determined to catch them. It was infuriating. How had they realized something was going on? Kathryn entered her office building, walking automatically as she thought of Chakotay. She licked her lips and felt her face grow warm. Just thinking about him was enough to elicit a reaction from her body.

Her heart suddenly hammered wildly in her chest and she couldn't help the smile that lit up her face for a second before she managed to bring herself under control. Chakotay and Admiral Hayes were both headed across the lobby toward the turbolifts. The three of them nodded politely and exchanged short greetings as they entered the lift, but Chakotay stood next to Kathryn, well within her personal space. His shoulder brushed against her and his hand surreptitiously rubbed her pinky finger even as he continued a conversation with Admiral Hayes. Kathryn bit her lip and a corner of Chakotay's mouth crept upward smugly. He knew exactly what he was doing to her. She got off the lift first and could feel Chakotay's eyes burning into her backside as she walked down the hall.

Somehow she made it through the rest of her work day, but as always, Chakotay was uppermost in her mind. It was embarrassing to be caught daydreaming with a goofy grin on her face while she was on duty, but it wasn't as if she were commanding a ship lost in the Delta Quadrant. She could afford a minute or two in the course of the day to think about Chakotay. After her shift, she joined Seven in the gym and they played Velocity. She almost lost due to her distraction and Seven smirked at her.

"You are losing your edge, Captain. Perhaps there is a reason you did not give your full attention to our game."

Kathryn rolled her eyes. Did any of them actually expect her to bare her innermost soul when they made their knowing little comments? She hurried to her quarters and was disappointed to find a message from Chakotay letting her know that he would be delayed. She pouted for a moment before eating a light salad while reading some reports on a padd. Finally she sat down to practice her scales. Chakotay showed up eventually, but Kathryn ignored him in favor of her piano, wanting to see what he would do. She could feel him moving up behind her, bending down low, and then his hands and mouth on her. She stopped playing, giving herself over to the sensations he was stirring within her.

"Keep playing," Chakotay whispered against her neck. He resumed sucking and nibbling the side of her throat. She tried, but his mouth and hands had managed to make her completely forget her own name, let alone how to read music. She tried to turn around on the piano bench, but he held her in place until she was gasping and writhing and eventually, shrieking. Later, they laid in bed together, Chakotay spooned against her and stroking her while she shivered.

"Kathryn, are you awake?"

Kathryn hummed her response, too satisfied and lethargic to use words, his big hands sending shivers up and down her body as he stroked her sensitive flesh. He kissed her shoulder and she sighed. They simply couldn't get enough of each other. Chakotay was obsessed with discovering all of the secrets of Kathryn's body. He had seven years of frustration, love, desire, and fantasies to make up for while Kathryn's body was telling her it had been a very long time indeed since she had indulged herself in this sort of affection. She had never felt so desired or sexy in her life. Chakotay's hand wandered to her waist now and she shrieked as he tickled her.

"Knock it off or I swear I'll phaser you!"

She rolled on her back and pushed him away while he grinned unrepentantly at her. He held his hands up in surrender and she curled up next to him with her head on his chest. He combed his fingers through her hair.

"How was your day, sweetheart?"

"All right. I had an appointment with the Doctor and I had him renew my contraceptive booster. He found a bite mark on my neck and had to make some digging little remarks."

"Whoops, sorry about that." He gently massaged the mark on her neck. "I can't help it, though. I love the sounds you make when I bite your neck."

"So it's all my fault, huh? Oh, he's going to try the new procedure on me sometime during the first week of July."

"Good."

Chakotay didn't say anything else. He had gone from being completely obsessed with Kathryn regaining her memories to only discussing it when she brought it up. It bothered Kathryn, but she never managed to talk to him about it. There were so many other things they could be doing instead.

"What held you up tonight?" she finally asked.

"Something I need to tell you about and I'm not sure how you're going to react." She tried to sit up and face him, but Chakotay held her against him. "Stay where you are, I like it." He stayed quiet for a moment and then spoke. "I'm giving up command of Voyager. There's an opening at the Academy and I'm going to take that instead. I'll be going back on duty to take charge of a cadet training cruise in a week and then I'll start full-time teaching in the fall."

Kathryn didn't respond, determined to keep from snapping at him. Finally, she responded calmly. "I see. What made you reach this decision?"

"I never wanted command of Voyager. Never. It would have meant that the unthinkable had happened to you. I don't regret one moment of my time as your first officer, but teaching is what makes me happy. I've been talking about my career with my counselor and I've realized that part of what was causing me so much anguish was having to command Voyager."

"And what's so terrible about commanding Voyager?"

Kathryn pulled away from Chakotay, evading his grip and sitting up in bed. She pulled the sheet up to cover herself and Chakotay frowned. He tried to tug it down and she scooted further away from him.

"There's nothing wrong with commanding Voyager. It's just not what I want to do. I was only going to do it for you, because it was what you wanted me to do in your final instructions. I would do it without any hesitation if we were still in the Delta Quadrant, but it's not necessary now. Starfleet will assign another captain to her and I'll be able to teach. I've had enough traveling to last me a lifetime. What is it? Tell me what you're thinking."

"You're giving up without a second thought the one thing I can't have." Kathryn clenched the sheet she was still covering herself with. "I just—I hate him! He stole Voyager from me. You don't know how much I ache inside when I'm with my team and we're studying Voyager's scientific data. All of those wonders and they all mean as much to me as any dry report I can read on a padd."

"I know, sweetheart." Chakotay sighed and sat up.

"Maybe now, with you out of the picture, I can get Voyager back. The Doctor thinks the procedure is going to work. If it does work, I can tell all those admirals where to stick their promotion."

"Maybe, but you might actually want the promotion. That last year was tough on you. You didn't talk to me much, you didn't want to, but I could see the toll it was taking on you."

Kathryn didn't respond to that.

"Kathryn, if you did manage to get Voyager..." Chakotay hesitated. "If you did, how do you see our relationship developing?"

Kathryn felt her heart melt at the sight of his uncertain face. He was trying so hard to be open and honest with her, to not push her away, to show her how much he loved her, but he needed reassurance that she was just as committed to him as he was to her.

"I'll still want you, more than anything else, more than Voyager."

"More than Voyager, huh? That must be a lot."

He was trying to sound as if he were joking, but Kathryn could hear the doubt. Her voice deepened as she dropped the sheet and crawled on top of him. Chakotay grunted in pleasure.

"Oh, yes. You're mine, after all. Let me show you just how much I'll still want you."

Afterward, he held her in his arms, softly kissing the top of her head. He stopped after a minute to speak quietly.

"I arranged something for you. That's why I was late tonight, I was planning with Admiral Hayes. I'm going to be in command of a cadet excursion in about a week, around the same time Voyager will be due for a test run of her new engines and shields. We're going to combine the two and test Voyager with the cadets on board. We're going to offer the former crew the opportunity to come aboard and help train the cadets. It'll be our final mission together. And since I'll be commanding the cadets, Voyager will need a captain."

"Me?"

"If you want her, Voyager is yours for the two week mission. "

"Of course I want her. We'll get to serve together!"

Chakotay smiled at the delight in Kathryn's voice. They jointly announced the mission to the crew at the slide show the next evening and most agreed on the spot to be part of it. Special permission had to be given for Naomi Wildman and Miral Paris to come aboard. It was unthinkable to leave either girl behind. Icheb was to be part of the group of cadets while Tuvok arrived back on Earth just in time to join the mission as Kathryn's first officer. There was only a week to get ready and Kathryn was in the thick of things ensuring that everything was prepared. She loved every minute of it all and the only fly in the ointment was her family. They didn't want her to leave Earth. Kathryn's assurances that it would be a perfectly safe two week mission only brought back memories of her previous three week mission.

Kathryn sat down in her chair at the center of Voyager's bridge. Tuvok had elected to stand at the tactical station, so Chakotay sat in the chair to her left. His eyes were sparkling as Kathryn ordered the cadet at the helm to set course for the nebular cloud they would be studying. This was exactly where she belonged, with Chakotay at her side. She could already tell it was going to be two weeks of pure heaven.


	22. Chapter 22

The first day was pure chaos. They made it a light year out of the solar system before suddenly dropping out of warp for absolutely no reason that B'Elanna could find. While Kathryn worked with her in Engineering to figure out the problem, the red alert went off due to a different problem with the newly enhanced sensors. Harry and Seven eventually came up with a solution, but the two cadets assisting them accidentally shut off artificial gravity on three different decks. Two other cadets got stuck in a Jefferies tube while replacing faulty relays and Chakotay practically tore his hair out trying to extricate them. A chaotic day indeed, but Kathryn loved every minute of it.

She made it to her quarters very late that night and was disappointed that they were empty and dark. She had half-expected to find Chakotay waiting for her. She hadn't missed the hungry way he stared at her every time they ran into each other throughout the day, but maybe he was still supervising the cadets. A quick computer request told her he had been in his quarters for the last two hours, so Kathryn quickly scooped up a few padds and headed next door.

"Captain," he said, looking surprised. He was in his uniform shirt and pants and he stood aside to let her in. "Do you have some reports you need me to look at?"

Kathryn tossed the padds onto the table and then wrapped her arms around Chakotay, inhaling his familiar scent.

"No, they're just for propriety's sake. If anyone asks, we were reading Seven's report tonight."

She began nibbling his neck while her hands pushed up under his shirt. Chakotay was already panting, but he grabbed hold of her hands and pushed her away a little to make eye contact with her.

"On the ship, Kathryn? I thought you wanted to be discreet for now?"

"I didn't mean we had to do without for two entire weeks. I'll just stay for a few hours to discuss ship's operations with you, among other things, then I'll head back to my own quarters. What could be more discreet than that?"

He stripped her of her uniform in about two seconds flat and had her screaming pressed up against the bulkhead in no time at all. After that night, they met up together every night, a stack of padds acting as their excuse for their regular meetings. Kathryn found to her immense satisfaction that Chakotay on Voyager was an extremely eager and dominant lover. Something about watching Kathryn in command drove him wild and the fact that he no longer had to repress his feelings for her made him insatiable.

Other than their nightly meetings, Voyager's constant malfunctions, and the cadets' many needs, they kept busy with Tom Paris' schedule of events. Every day he planned a new activity, something the crew had enjoyed while out in the Delta Quadrant. It all gave Kathryn a taste of what life must have been like out there. Maybe very soon she would remember for herself, but she and Chakotay were keeping quiet about her upcoming procedure. She was very hopeful, but she didn't want to deal with anyone's disappointment.

They finally made it to the nebular cloud three days behind schedule and the gathering of data began. Chakotay was in a particularly good mood that night. They were in his bed and he was holding her in his arms.

"Kathryn, I want to run an idea by you and I need your opinion. I'm going to get a place of my own. I've had enough of Starfleet housing to last me a lifetime. Anyway, I thought maybe—well, maybe you've had enough of Starfleet housing too."

"What are you saying, Chakotay?"

He took a breath. "Would you like to move in with me? It wouldn't be right away, not until September or October. I know we've both agreed that it's best to keep our relationship quiet right now, but we should be ready to make it public by then. But only if this is something you want to do, I'm not pressuring you—I just-"

"I'd love to move in with you."

"You would? You mean it?"

"I love you, I love spending time with you, I miss you when we're apart, of course I want to live with you."

Chakotay rolled her on top of him and began kissing her. She pulled away slightly to stroke his face.

"I think we should get a house with a yard. A big house. Lots of bedrooms."

"Really? Why's that?"

"Oh, I don't know. I need a dog of my own. Borrowing Molly isn't enough."

"Sounds reasonable. It explains the yard." He ran a finger down her chest. "What about the bedrooms? Tell me."

"They're good to have. Just in case."

"That's your only reason?" He pulled his hand away from her and she sighed in disappointment.

"Well, I've noticed how much you like playing with Miral and Naomi. They could spend the night. So could Eddie and the baby. And we'd need a bedroom for our own baby."

Chakotay grinned at her.

"Our baby?"

"Our baby. Eventually. We'll have to see what happens with my career first."

"Sounds very reasonable to me." He rolled her over so she was pinned under him.

She traced the lines of his tattoo and looked into his good, kind eyes.

"I love you, Chakotay, so very very much."

Theirs wasn't the only blossoming shipboard romance. Kathryn showed up in sickbay for her memory check eight days into the mission and found the Doctor and Seven locked in a kiss. After all the needling and prying the two of them had been doing into her private business, this was too good an opportunity to pass up.

"Doctor! Crewman!"

They sprang apart, deeply embarrassed and neither would meet her eyes. The Doctor finished her examination in record time with no extraneous conversation and practically shoved her out of sickbay. Kathryn managed to corner Seven in astrometrics later on that day.

"So, Seven, now I know why you've been so distracted lately."

"My performance has been more than adequate, Captain."

Seven raised her chin defiantly and Kathryn couldn't keep from smiling.

"You're right, I was just teasing. Are you happy?"

"Yes, I am. I find my relationship with the Doctor to be much more satisfactory and to my taste than-" She stopped talking and looked guiltily at Kathryn. "It is satisfactory," she finished primly.

Kathryn was amused by the entire exchange. Clearly, Seven thought Kathryn didn't know about the few dates she and Chakotay had shared.

"You mean more satisfactory than dating Chakotay."

"I—yes. I was unaware that you knew we dated. I can assure you it was a brief liaison."

"Of course."

"I initiated the relationship and also attempted to end it first, but Chakotay can be very stubborn and unwilling to listen to reason. Eventually, however, he can be persuaded to see reason."

"There's no need for explanations, Seven." She couldn't resist, though, now that her curiosity was piqued. "What do you mean, stubborn?"

"Merely that he refused to end the relationship when I told him I no longer wanted to spend time with him in that capacity. I took the advice you gave me and finally told him that our relationship was no longer valid now that we were in the Alpha Quadrant. I told him I didn't want a permanent bond at the time, not when everything was changing and that while I had no desire to hurt him, I would no longer associate with him in such a capacity. He was angry, but he accepted it. You and he are better suited for each other than we were." Seven looked at her meaningfully and expectantly and Kathryn rolled her eyes in exasperation.

"You never give up fishing for information, do you?"

Before Seven could respond, Kathryn received a summons to the bridge. The warp engines had failed again, this time along with the shields. She was busy for hours helping restore the systems, but the conversation with Seven nagged at her. She and Chakotay had never really talked about his relationship with Seven. Kathryn simply hadn't cared, but now she wondered. According to Seven, Chakotay had wanted to continue it, even after they were home. He truly had meant to move on from Kathryn. What if Seven had wanted to continue dating Chakotay? It was almost a physical blow to imagine what the last six months would have been like without Chakotay there by her side and without the gift of his love. She looked up from the helm where she was working with Tom and Icheb. Chakotay had already been staring at her from his place at the engineering station. She shivered at the intensity of his gaze and shook away the doubts she had been feeling. There was no question of his feelings for her, none at all.

She arrived at her quarters hours later and decided to leave the lights dimmed. Chakotay was dealing with two cadets who had gotten into a fist fight in the mess hall, so she had time for a quiet bath. She stripped off her jacket, tossing it onto the back of a chair at the table, then sat down on the couch with a tired sigh. She pulled off her boots and threw them in the general direction of the bedroom. She was so tired. She would just sit here for a minute and then take a bath and put on that nightgown Chakotay liked so much. She began to drift off into sleep. A noise startled her awake and she rubbed her eyes, feeling completely dazed. Someone was coming out of her bedroom.

"Chakotay? I didn't hear you come in, I must have fallen asleep."

"Janeway." The voice was contemptuous and completely unfamiliar. Kathryn jumped up.

"Computer, lights! Who are you?"

The lights didn't come on and in the dimness of the room she could see a figure approaching her. She reached up to tap her comm badge, only to remember it was still attached to the jacket lying several feet away.

"Computer, lights," the stranger said and this time the computer obeyed him. She blinked at the sudden brightness. The stranger was a human male and he was a mess. He was wearing some sort of uniform and had a bushy, unkempt beard. His hair was wild and so were his eyes as they swept up and down her body.

"Computer, intruder alert!"

The computer still didn't respond and the stranger smiled condescendingly.

"Don't bother, Janeway. I've had hours, ever since your shields went down, to shut down your computer access while I waited for you. Sit down."

She began backing away and he screamed at her, the spittle flying.

"Sit down!" He pulled something from a pocket and pointed it at her. It looked like it could be a phaser, but not a type Kathryn had ever seen before. She sat down slowly and stiffly, eyes darting around the room and furiously trying to think of how to defuse this situation. She gasped as the man's identity came to her and to her everlasting shame, she was filled with fear.

"You're Braxton!"

"That's right." He gave a little bow in a grotesque parody of the similar greeting Q had given her so many months ago.

"I don't understand what you're doing here. I thought your people took you back to your own time. Have you escaped from them again?"

If so, then all she had to do was keep him calm and engaged until they came back for him or until Chakotay was through with the cadets. She could handle this. He was clearly unwell both physically and mentally, he was no match for her.

"I don't understand it either! It's a paradox is what it is. I had my timeship beam me back automatically after I served you with your sentence, but I couldn't get back! I can't initiate the travel sequence to get back to my own time. Why haven't they come for me?" He breathed heavily, staring down at her. If he would just come a little closer, she could kick him in the crotch and get the hell away from him.

"You haven't been able to get back to your own time? Have you been here in the 24th century all this time?"

"Yes! In my timeship. It's cloaked, so your sensors can't detect it. I've been trying and trying to get back, but I can't!" He sounded perplexed and lost in that moment.

"You've come for help. Well, we can help you. My senior staff is-"

"Shut up!" He came closer, but before she could even make a move, he had struck her with all his strength across the face with his weapon. She moaned in pain and held her face, momentarily stunned. He continued talking in a hoarse voice. "I've been thinking and thinking and it's all your fault. All of it! You thought you knew more than God. You thought you could change the time line without any consequences. I had to show you there were consequences and now look what's happened! I can't get back to my time!"

"No, it's your fault you can't get back. You changed the future somehow, by taking away my memories," Kathryn said. She kept one hand pressed against her aching cheek, but she was watching him closely. "You're the one who didn't think through the consequences of your actions. I think I was supposed to change the time line, otherwise why didn't your people try to stop me?" She had hit a soft spot. His eyes widened and he gesticulated wildly with the weapon.

"They liked what you did. You ended the Borg and humanity doesn't get assimilated by the Borg in the 28th century anymore. They let you do it, so they could ensure their existence. But it's wrong! The ends don't justify the means, even if it is a paradox, it's wrong! You can't change the time line! You broke the Temporal Prime Directive and you deserve to suffer for it."

He dropped the weapon, gripped her by the shoulders, and began shaking her hard. Kathryn kicked out, connecting with his groin. It would have been better had she been wearing her boots, but the move was still effective enough. He let go of her and she ran for the door, but his madness gave him strength. He ran after her even though he had to crouch low in pain. He managed to grab her arm and pulled her against him. She screamed as loud as she could in the hopes that someone would hear and began fighting, trying to gain the upper hand, but Braxton punched her in the gut. It momentarily winded her and he grasped her by the hair and started dragging her back to the couch. She began struggling again and he paused, repeatedly kicking her in the stomach and then in the face for good measure. She was still conscious, but unable to defend herself as he resumed dragging her. He let her go at the couch and picked up the weapon, adjusting settings on it and then looking down at her. Blood was running into one of her eyes, but she could still see the puzzled expression on his face.

"You were supposed to suffer. I took everything away from you and you were supposed to suffer. I couldn't get back home, so I tapped into Starfleet's systems and watched you. You haven't suffered. You have Voyager again. You still have your crew. Your doctor thinks he's going to fix everything. It's not right that you still have everything. I couldn't get to you on Earth. I had to wait until you left, but now I've got you and now I'm going to make you suffer again. See if you can still be happy after this."

She held up a hand feebly, trying to block the weapon blast, thinking desperately of Chakotay. He aimed it at her and pushed a button. Nothing happened for a moment and she felt relieved, but Braxton smiled at her horribly, then abruptly he dropped the weapon and cried out, clutching his head. He fell forward, most of his heavy weight landing on Kathryn. He didn't move again and she laid there being crushed under him, unable to move.

She was being crushed to death. The man had been on top of her for awhile now, but Kathryn had been in a daze of too much pain to do anything about it and unconscious for part of the time. Now she finally mustered the energy to crawl out from under him. She was pretty sure he was dead. At any rate, he was in no condition to come after her and she staggered out of her quarters into the brightly lit hallway, clutching her stomach. He had hurt her. There was blood all down the front of her shirt, her ribs and stomach ached terribly, and the wheezing and pain every time she breathed deeply made her think her nose was broken. Worst of all was the pressure in her skull. She must be concussed, she could barely walk and there was something wrong with her vision. She sat down abruptly, right in the middle of the corridor, swallowing hard to keep from vomiting. She didn't have her comm badge with her and for once in her life, she didn't know what to do next. The sound of the turbolift doors opening made her look up and a few seconds later, Tuvok came into view. He immediately knelt next to her, tapping his comm badge and calling for help while at the same time reaching out to gently turn her head and examine the injuries on her face.

"Captain Janeway, what has happened to you? Were you attacked?"

"Yes, he hurt me. In my quarters. I think he's dead. What are you doing here? You're not supposed to be here." Tuvok tilted her chin up, looking into her eyes.

"I believe you have a concussion. You are badly injured. The Doctor will be here momentarily. Your attacker is still in your quarters? Do you know his identity?"

"He hurt me, but I don't know why." The turbolift doors opened once more and soon a tricorder was being passed over her body while more people arrived via the turbolift. Tuvok's calm voice soothed her as she listened to him give orders to his security officers and then speak over his comm badge to someone else. The doctor who had been examining her spoke sharply then.

"Tuvok, it's chroniton particles, just the same as when Braxton attacked her." Someone else had gotten off the turbolift and came rushing to her side.

"Oh, Spirits, Kathryn, what's happened to you?"

She stared at the man kneeling in front of her. He was looking at her injuries in horror, gently reaching out to place a hand on her chin and she gazed at the tattoo on his face. She inhaled sharply and tried to pull away.

"You're Chakotay, the Maquis captain! Tuvok, security! He's the Maquis captain!"

The man's dark eyes widened in shock and he stayed in place, frozen. Tuvok came back to her side then, kneeling down next to her, but he spoke to the Maquis captain instead.

"Braxton is in the captain's quarters. He is dead, but tricorder readings indicate a recent discharge of the same instrument he used on her during his initial assault.

"No!" He said it angrily, but Tuvok continued, unperturbed.

"We must assume she has suffered the same memory loss. She will need us more than ever now. You must remain calm for her sake."

Chakotay stood, looking down at her in horror, then turned and furiously pounded his fist into the bulkhead. Kathryn began to shake. The doctor moved to block her view of the Maquis captain.

"We'll beam to sickbay now, so I can treat your injuries."

They dematerialized and Kathryn continued to tremble, terrified and bewildered.


	23. Chapter 23

Kathryn Janeway was lying on a biobed in her own sickbay, too stunned to think of what she could possibly do to make any of this better. There was no doubt about the veracity of the account Tuvok and the Emergency Medical Hologram had told her. They had rebutted every one of her arguments against the facts they laid neatly before her. No, she wasn't in a parallel universe. See, run the tricorder over yourself and verify your unique quantum signature and how it matches the very fabric of the space we inhabit. No, this is not a drugged hallucination induced by the Maquis captain Chakotay as part of a nefarious conspiracy to steal your Starfleet secrets. Allow me to touch my mind to yours for the briefest of interludes so that you may know the truth of what I tell you. Look at all of these holoimages. Here are the logs. And the sensor data. And she had to accept it. Yes, it was all true. She had been sharing coffee with Commander Cavit and suddenly she was badly injured, in her own quarters, with a dead man lying on top of her. Staggering out of her quarters had propelled her into this new and terrifying future where she had been assaulted twice in the last six months by an insane Starfleet captain from the 29th century.

The Doctor had beamed her to sickbay from the hall outside her quarters and she had reacted like a wounded animal when he approached her with a hypospray, snarling and retreating into a corner of the room so that he couldn't get near enough to touch her. She had been shivering so hard her teeth were chattering and she had been in so much pain that she was incapable of rational thought.

"Please, Captain, your spleen has ruptured and you are bleeding internally. You're going into shock. I need to do immediate surgery to stop the bleeding and repair the damage. Then I'll take care of the rest of your injuries."

She hissed and kicked out at him, then cried out and clutched her stomach.

"All right, I won't do anything without your permission! You need immediate treatment or you run the risk of dying. You are bleeding internally, which means that your abdominal cavity is filling with blood. I promise I won't hurt you. I only want to help you."

"No! Where is Dr. Fitzgerald? I want to see him! I want my first officer here, too."

"That's not possible right now. I know this is a confusing situation, but you must trust that I have your best interests at heart. I am a doctor and will never harm you, only help you."

She continued to tremble and he tapped his comm badge, never taking his eyes from her.

"EMH to Chakotay. I need immediate help with the captain. She is completely disoriented and is refusing treatment. Her situation is critical. She is bleeding internally, but she won't let me touch her and I don't dare sedate her, not with the damage to her brain from the chroniton particles."

"Chakotay here. All right, I'm sending Tuvok. Please, take good care of her."

"I'm doing my best."

The doctor set his tricorder on the floor and pushed it toward her.

"Look at that. I know you can interpret the readings on the display. It will show you that I'm telling the truth."

Kathryn snatched the tricorder up. She couldn't understand what she was looking at; it swam before her eyes and her mind couldn't grasp the meaning behind any of it.

"You have pressure building on your brain, as well. It's contributing to your disorientation. You were exposed to a large amount of chroniton particles recently and you have sustained numerous head injuries. I need to treat the pressure or you may incur brain damage, that is, if the internal bleeding doesn't kill you first."

The doors to sickbay opened and Tuvok entered. He took in the situation and immediately came to Kathryn. She had never been so grateful to see him.

"Captain Janeway, you must allow the doctor to treat you at once. You can trust him. I will remain at your side to ensure your safety."

"I don't understand what's happening. I'm so confused."

"I will explain everything as soon as the doctor has treated your injuries."

She needed help, she knew that much, and she trusted Tuvok with her life, so she nodded.

"Okay."

She had let Tuvok pick her up and place her on the biobed and he had stayed next to her, holding her hand, while the Doctor treated her. He had worked quickly, but explained each procedure as he came to it and asked her consent before taking any action. Her disorientation had faded somewhat, although a sickening headache remained. The Doctor finally set down his last instrument. For a hologram, he certainly had an expressive face. She could almost describe him as heartbroken.

"You'll live," he had said and proceeded to ask her to describe her last clear memory.

"Why? I don't understand!"

"Please do as he asks, Captain. It is indeed of great importance."

"Okay, okay," and she had told them of drinking coffee in her ready room with Commander Cavit while looking over Tuvok's reports.

Tuvok and the EMH had exchanged grim glances.

"The same point in time, Tuvok. What did he do, take away everything she's accomplished over the last six months just to destroy her even more?"

"It would appear so."

"I don't think I can fix it anymore. Her neurological profile has been scrambled by this, even more so than the last time-"

"Doctor." Tuvok cast his gaze toward Kathryn, who was listening intently with wide eyes.

"Of course, I'm sorry. We'd better explain everything to you, Captain."

The doctor adjusted her blanket, grabbed a hand held personal sonic cleaner, and began working on removing the blood from Kathryn's scalp. Tuvok continued to hold Kathryn's hand and he had gone on to tell her the most fantastical of tales, all about two ships being whisked across the galaxy to the Delta Quadrant and the two crews melding as one with the shared goal of getting home and how she had finally brought them home, only to have her memories stolen. And now, stolen once again during what was supposed to be a routine two-week training mission and test run. And it was all true, every last word. They had proved it beyond the shadow of a doubt.

She laid on the biobed for a long time keeping her aching head still and trying to take it all in. Tuvok and the Doctor both assured her that she had been resilient six months ago and had managed to wrest a life for herself despite the loss of seven years' worth of memories.

"You'll see, you'll be able to do the same thing again," the Doctor said, with a falsely bright smile. That was the point when she stopped listening to anything he or Tuvok had to say. At least they respected her desire to be left alone. Both of them were whispering in a corner and looking back at her anxiously. Mark. She needed to talk to Mark. He would help her make sense of this. The sickbay doors slid open and a striking blonde woman entered. She walked straight to Kathryn.

"Captain Janeway. I am Seven of Nine. You do not remember me, but we are friends regardless of your memory loss. I will assist you throughout this ordeal."

The woman had metallic implants on her face and a cool demeanor, but her voice cracked slightly while she spoke. She meant what she said.

"Thank you." Kathryn couldn't manage much beyond those two words.

"Doctor, Chakotay sent me at once when he discovered this. We believe it is the instrument Braxton used on Captain Janeway."

Seven of Nine held up a small device that looked almost as if it could be a phaser. The Doctor practically ran to her side and snatched it from her.

"Seven, you need to help me analyze this! This may be the key to restoring the captain's memories."

"Of course, that is why Chakotay sent me here. I am also supposed to inform you that Captain Braxton's body has been transported to the morgue. Our preliminary investigation indicates that he suffered a brain aneurysm."

"An aneurysm? I'll be the judge of that." The Doctor frowned as he stared at the small device in his hand, then back to Kathryn. "Tuvok, please help the captain get cleaned up and then back into bed. Wait a minute."

He reached into a drawer and pulled out a cortical monitor which he quickly programmed and slapped behind Kathryn's ear. With that, he and Seven of Nine rushed away. Tuvok helped Kathryn to the bathroom. He remained in the room with his back to her while she showered. She was simply too shaky to be left alone and Tuvok ended up having to help her change into a sickbay gown. It could have been humiliating, but Tuvok was so matter-of-fact and respectful that she felt honored to have his assistance. He supported her on the way back to the biobed and once she was in bed, he tucked her in expertly so that she was warm and snug.

"Not exactly the normal way to serve your captain," she murmured sleepily.

"You have done far more than this for me and are deserving of much more than these simple acts of kindness," Tuvok replied. He sat next to her, holding her hand, and Kathryn drifted off to sleep feeling safe and cared for. She awoke sometime later to find Thomas Paris, of all people, minding sickbay. He chatted cheerfully, ignoring her reticence, and telling her of his years of service in sickbay. Kathryn let his words flow over her while she turned her situation over in her mind.

"Who is in command?" she interjected abruptly.

"Uh, Chakotay is. Tuvok has taken over the investigation in your quarters."

"The Maquis captain?"

"I know Tuvok and the Doctor both told you he's your former first officer and your best friend. Don't worry, you can trust him. Voyager is in good hands."

"Hmph. Well, I want to talk to him. Can you please summon him for me? I want a status update."

"Sure."

He tapped his comm badge and requested Chakotay's presence, but Chakotay coolly told him he was too busy to come to sickbay and for Captain Janeway to forget about the ship for the time being, he was taking care of everything. It made Kathryn hopping mad. This was her ship, how dare he not come to sickbay to brief her?

"Eureka!" The Doctor came running to Kathryn's bedside waving a padd at her. Seven of Nine followed more sedately, but she also radiated excitement. "We've figured it out, Captain! I was on the wrong track the whole time. That procedure I was going to try on you when we got back wouldn't have worked at all. It's a cloak, not a phase variance! And I can get rid of it once you're purged of the chroniton particles!" Kathryn watched him warily. "Don't you understand? You'll have your memories back soon, all of them, the seven years and the six months."

"What are you waiting for? Do it!"

"Well, I can't do it yet. It would kill you right now." He shook his head in disgust at her ignorance. "I think what killed Braxton was the close proximity to this device when he used it on you along with the combined effects from his time travels. I need to conduct his autopsy before I do anything else."

The Doctor left, heading in the direction of the morgue, while Tom Paris laughed at Kathryn's expression.

"Seriously, his bedside manner is much better than it used to be and he's excellent at what he does. He'll make sure it's perfectly safe before he tries anything with you. He cares about you a lot."

Kathryn had to stay in sickbay. Every time she tried to get out of bed unassisted, she fell. Seven of Nine kept her company, but wouldn't tell Kathryn anything of importance about the past seven and a half years and readily admitted it when Kathryn accused her of withholding information.

"The Doctor says it is imperative to keep you calm since you are having such a difficult time recovering. Soon all of your memories will be restored and all of your questions will be answered at that time. There is no use in upsetting you at this point."

Chakotay didn't come to see her for the first 24 hours after her attack. She was told that he was very busy investigating the area for any signs of Braxton's ship. Apparently, Voyager's new sensors had detected something that had triggered what everyone had thought was a false red alert. Now, in hind sight, they recognized a blip that might match the warp signature of the timeship that had once tried to destroy Voyager. Chakotay was determined to find this ship and had requested assistance from Starfleet. The Enterprise was en route.

She thought she awoke during the night to find Chakotay sleeping in a chair next to her bed, but it must have been a dream. There was no chair next to her when she woke in the morning. Finally, Chakotay came to see her briefly later in the day. What a strange man. She had studied his dossier, his Starfleet record, and his psychological profile until she knew him better than his own mother had known him. She had formed the opinion that he was a charming and generally kind man with strong values when life was going well for him, but instead she found someone who appeared to be socially awkward. He stood at attention the entire time he spoke to her and rarely made eye contact. This was supposed to be her best friend? He must have sensed her puzzlement because he finally gave her a small smile.

"Is the Doctor treating you well? I know how much you hate being in sickbay. Is there anything I can get you?"

"Yes, actually, there is. I'd like to make a comm call. I want to speak to my fiance. His name is Mark Johnson."

The smile disappeared, but Chakotay nodded.

"I figured you would. I've already let him know what's happened to you and he's worried about you. You can call him right now if you'd like. I'll help you over to the Doctor's desk."

His arm was strong around her, keeping her steady on her feet, but she forgot about that as soon as Mark's dear face appeared on the screen.

"Kath! Oh sweetheart, this is just terrible. Your mother and sister are devastated, but Chakotay says that the Doctor knows how to restore your memories now."

Mark was regarding her sadly and Kathryn looked at him, startled by how gray he was now.

"Yes, but he doesn't want to try it until we're at Starfleet Medical, hopefully within the next day or two. Oh Mark, honey, I miss you so much."

Kathryn pressed her fingers to her lips and held them out to Mark.

"Kath," he whispered. "I miss you, too, darling."

"You'll be waiting for me, won't you?"

"Of course, with Molly."

"I love you."

"I love you, too."

Kathryn pressed her hands against her eyes for a moment after closing the channel. Chakotay helped her back to her bed, his face expressionless and his voice monotone as he told her goodbye. What a strange man.


	24. Chapter 24

Kathryn was slipping into depression. They were keeping her cooped up in sickbay and she couldn't even try to escape because she was still falling when she tried to walk unaided. The Doctor said it had to do with damage from chroniton particles, but that he would fix it once they were back on Earth. They were due there soon. There had been a battle earlier and the ship had shaken and shuddered, but then it had ended. No one would tell her what had happened. Then they had rendezvoused with the Enterprise and a Betazoid counselor had come to talk to Kathryn. Kathryn had rolled to face the wall and refused to speak with her. Now she heard someone approach her bed.

"Kathryn?"

Chakotay. She still didn't turn around. She could hear him pulling a chair over to her biobed and then she felt a tentative touch on her shoulder.

"I know how hard this is for you and how out of control you're feeling right now. If it's any consolation, it was just as hard last time, but you were incredible. You didn't let the situation destroy your life. You never do. You're the strongest person I know and you'll be able to do the same now."

Kathryn sighed and rolled over.

"It doesn't matter. I'll have my memories back soon, so none of this matters."

"It does. Every moment matters and I hate to see you get depressed like this."

Kathryn frowned at him, not liking how overly familiar he was being with her.

"Then tell me about the battle earlier today. What happened?"

"Oh." He tugged at an earlobe and smiled self-consciously, a dimple appearing. "The Doctor has ordered us to keep from telling you about ship's business. He doesn't want you to become too excited."

"Nothing makes a captain more excited than keeping her from her bridge and not telling her about her ship."

"You're right about that. Okay. We found Braxton's timeship. It was empty. We managed a few scans, but then a Ferengi ship came out of nowhere. They were hiding in the nebular cloud and came after us, trying to get the timeship. We think they must have intercepted our communications with Starfleet. There was another Ferengi ship on its way and the Enterprise wasn't going to get here in time. We couldn't let them get the timeship."

"No, that would be a disaster."

"Exactly. So I had Tuvok destroy it."

"What?" Kathryn sat up on her elbows. Chakotay stood and helped prop her up on several pillows while Kathryn continued questioning him. "Why did you do that? Can you imagine everything we could have learned from it?"

"Yes, I can and Starfleet Command has told me the same thing, too. But we weren't going to be a match for two Ferengi ships and I couldn't risk letting them get the timeship."

"No, you're right. I probably would have destroyed it, too."

"That's exactly what I thought when I gave the order. Well, it's only four hours until we reach Earth now. How do you feel about having your memories restored?"

Kathryn contemplated the man before her. She was supposed to be capturing him, but instead, according to what she'd been told, they had embarked on the adventure of a lifetime together. She didn't know him at all, but he obviously thought he would be able to succeed where Deanna Troi had failed.

"I know what's going on. Counselor Troi sent you to talk to me because I wouldn't tell her about my feelings."

He smiled widely at that and Kathryn couldn't help lingering on his full lips. He seemed to realize instantly where her gaze had fallen and now he was grinning at her, his twinkling eyes catching hers. She felt herself blushing and quickly looked away.

"I told her you'd figure it out, but I really do want to know. How do you feel about getting your memories back?"

"I don't know. Apprehensive. None of this seems quite real to me yet, no matter all the proof I have. And like I said, it doesn't matter in the end. I'll be relieved to see Mark, though. He's my rock, he'll help me make sense of this. It'll be right up his alley. He's a philosopher, but maybe you already knew that."

Chakotay nodded, looking down at Kathryn's blanket and tugging it in place.

"I've met him several times. He's a good man." Chakotay ducked his head and then looked at her. "You're going to be fine, Kathryn. You'll remember everything and then we'll talk again, all right?"

He patted her arm and left. Kathryn watched him go, feeling a little startled by the abruptness of his departure. He returned later, to say goodbye just before she was beamed directly to Starfleet Medical. Mark and her mother were waiting for her. She barely had a chance to hug them before the Doctor rushed her into something he called a biotemporal chamber. She laid in it for hours listening to the Doctor's accounts of his favorite operas while the chroniton particles were forcibly expelled from her body.

She was eventually taken to a private room and given a hypospray to ensure a good night's sleep. The Doctor examined her again in the morning and Kathryn was gratified to find that her balance had returned.

"We'll be ready to start soon," the Doctor said. The head of Starfleet Medical entered and they looked over Kathryn's scans. Mark and her mother soon followed and Kathryn smiled, feeling relieved to see them, especially Mark. She grabbed Mark's hand and pulled him down to sit next to her, laying her head on his shoulder. Chakotay and Tuvok were the next to arrive and Mark pulled away abruptly. Kathryn frowned, noticing how he and Chakotay were exchanging glances. Admiral Paris and Counselor Troi came in together and the Doctor jumped into action.

"Please lie down, Captain. This should be over in a matter of minutes."

Kathryn caught Mark's eyes and watched him while the Doctor ran a tool around her head. She closed her eyes, feeling suddenly dizzy.

"And that's it. Captain, open your eyes. Here, I'll help you up."

She felt hands pulling on her shoulders and she sat, legs dangling over the edge of the bed. She felt so dizzy and odd. She looked up and saw her mother anxiously push the Doctor out of her way. She took Kathryn's face between her hands.

"Are you all right, Golden Bird? Did it work? Do you remember?"

Her mother's silver hair was glowing in the sunlight pouring through the window. Kathryn gazed at her, startled.

"Oh Mom, I'm going to look just like you. Just like you," she blurted out.

"What? What are you talking about?"

She kept holding Kathryn's face, but looked toward the Doctor worriedly. A huge grin was spreading across his face and he nodded.

"She's right, Mrs. Janeway. The reason we know is classified, but Captain Janeway will indeed look just as you do now."

She couldn't describe what was happening within her mind. That capacity was completely gone from her. Kathryn pulled away from her mother and stood, slightly swaying. Mark reached out to steady her and she stared at the hand on her arm and then at his familiar face. She was immediately flooded with mortification over her behavior with him. Why had they all let her believe he still loved her? He was a married man! She jerked her arm away from him and then stopped, transfixed by the view from the window. She could see a group of cadets jogging along the path below the window. The sun was shining and there were white fluffy clouds in the sky. She made her way to the window and stared at the sun until her eyes watered, no, they weren't watering. Tears were streaming down her cheeks. She turned. They were all staring at her, watching her, studying her.

"We're home."

"That's right." Counselor Troi began to approach her warily, but Kathryn moved away, toward Chakotay. She couldn't stop the smile that lit up her face and made her cheeks ache. Chakotay's face lit up in response and she reached out, placing both hands on his shoulders. She had never felt so free and light in her life.

"Chakotay, we're home. We're home! Voyager is home! I did it, I did it, I did it!" She was almost screaming the words at him. "I remember, I remember! Earth on the viewscreen, I remember it. I was thinking, 'Oh, thank God, thank God, I can rest now, I got them home, I kept my promise.' "

She was shaking and her knees turned to jelly. She slid to the floor and Chakotay went down with her, holding her in his arms.

"I didn't care if he killed me because I got Voyager home. I didn't care as long as all of you were home and safe and happy and he couldn't take us back. I didn't care if I died because I had completed my mission and now it didn't matter what happened to me."

"Oh Kathryn, it mattered, your life always mattered, it wasn't home without you here with us, but now you're home too."

Chakotay's eyes were shining and Kathryn looked at him in wonder.

"I know you, I know you! I remember you, I remember everything." She pulled away, sitting on her bottom so she could stare at him, covering her mouth with her hand. The memories were all there, so many of them and the emotions, too. They were flooding her and she couldn't contain them. She felt eyes on her and she whirled around. They were all staring at her, but Mark's gaze made her cringe with shame. She felt her face turn red and she scooted away from Chakotay, burying her face in her hands. It was all too much. She had always prided herself on her control and now they were all watching her fall apart. She pulled her knees to her chest and tried to swallow the sobs down, but they escaped anyway.

"Let's give her some privacy. This is a difficult moment and she should have some time alone to reintegrate her memories."

The Doctor and Troi were shooing everyone out. Kathryn could have kissed them. She peeked out at the room. Her mother was leaving very reluctantly, Chakotay even more so. He stopped at the door, then came back to her, placing an arm around her.

"Kathryn, sweetheart, it's going to be all right," he whispered.

She shuddered and pulled away, hiding her face from him.

"Chakotay, please go. We'll take good care of her."

She could hear the Doctor and Chakotay walking away and finally, the room was quiet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought I would share the song that inspired me to get going with this story. I've had the idea for this story for a long time, but then I saw Maleficent back in July with my sister and daughter. The song that played over the end credits was Lana Del Rey's Once Upon a Dream. I think it's very haunting and it really made me want to write this story instead of just thinking about it.


	25. Chapter 25

The euphoria was short-lived. Everything was there in her mind and Kathryn was powerless to resist the memories or the emotions. She remembered everything, absolutely everything, with a clear and sharp clarity that was cutting her to ribbons. She remembered destroying the array and knowing in that moment, no matter how hopeful she later tried to be, that she had lost Mark. The awful, familiar guilt settled over her once more, replacing her short-lived joy. She had torn not only herself, but everyone else away from their loved ones and the lives they had been leading. What right had she had to make that decision? The Ocampa. Sweet Kes. That was why she had done it. The gentle Ocampa Kathryn had met didn't deserve to be left to the tender mercies of the Kazon. But still, helping them didn't absolve Kathryn of her sins. She had lost too many people over the course of the journey. Too many. She told herself they all understood the risks of space travel and Starfleet, but she was only fooling herself. She was their captain and she had let them down.

The Doctor and Troi were watching her as she laid curled up in her bed. She hated the Doctor in that moment, hated the way he was studying her, hated the things he had said about her while she was on Voyager. He had written in his reports that he was concerned about her mental and physical well-being, that she was burned out, that she was a little too eager to put her life at risk for the ship and crew. And Tuvok had flat out told her she was reckless and self-destructive. But Chakotay, what he had said hurt the most. He had told her she wanted to be miserable, that she wanted to die, that she was losing herself. That it was hell to love her. That he couldn't love her anymore.

She pounded her fist into the pillow and then into the wall. What the hell had he wanted from her? She had to do the things she did in order to get them home. They were already in hell there in the Delta Quadrant, because of her choice. She didn't have the luxury of—what? Of prancing around the ship hand in hand with Chakotay? Is that what he had wanted? Too bad, she had had other priorities. Well, he'd found a way to console himself. He'd married Seven. She knew it all now, she knew what the admiral had told her of the future she would endure if she didn't use the transwarp hub to get Voyager home. She hadn't recorded any of it in her logs, not because of the Temporal Prime Directive, but because of how terribly painful it all was. Chakotay had married Seven—Seven! He had turned his back on Kathryn and left her alone to watch Tuvok lose his mind. Even after they made it back home early, after Braxton attacked her, despite all his claims of always loving Kathryn, he had still tried to be with Seven. Seven had told her about it the day Braxton attacked her.

Braxton. Kathryn sat up, trying to think. He had told her the Borg were gone and his timeline was also apparently gone. She should tell someone about that, but she was cringing, shielding her face. He wasn't here to kick her, but she curled protectively around her abdomen anyway. She could feel Harry's trembling hands snapping the restraints on her wrists, see Chakotay's white face as Braxton screamed he was going to take it all away. She had been relieved after he shot her. The weapon must have malfunctioned because she was uninjured, but Braxton was smiling at her triumphantly and she continued to kneel and look up at him, feeling so suddenly strange. Tuvok and Chakotay took advantage of Braxton's distraction, charging him and subduing him, while Kathryn could feel something slipping away from her, something terrible happening within her. There was too much to say and not enough time.

"Chakotay. Chakotay! Get them home. You do it, you get them home," she had said and Chakotay had come running to her, shouting her name, but everything had gone black and the next thing she had known was waking up in sickbay to a new and altered life.

Now she was once more whole, but she didn't know what to do next. She longed to run to Chakotay and take shelter in his arms, but at the same time, she wanted to hurt him just as much as he had hurt her. One part of her knew it wasn't fair to hold him accountable for what he had done in another timeline, but another part of her felt deeply betrayed, as if he had actually cheated on her with Seven. Seven! The fact that it was Seven he had married only deepened the hurt and sense of betrayal. How many times had she argued with him over Seven's presence on the ship and whether it would be possible to rehabilitate her? How had he gone from barely tolerating her to marrying her? And just what had Seven been thinking to go after Chakotay in the first place? She couldn't make sense of any of it and finally, she stopped trying. Instead, she got up and out of bed and demanded a padd. The Doctor brought her one without comment although he and Troi exchanged looks. She ignored them and sat down on the bed, her back against the wall, and proceeded to write her report on her final encounter with Braxton. Work had never failed her and it would save her now. She transmitted the report, complete with her recommendations to Admirals Paris, Hayes, and Nechayev, then got out of bed again.

"I'm ready to be released now."

"All right. I'll need to examine you once again."

It was late by the time Kathryn arrived back at her quarters. It had taken her hours in that room to come to terms with her restored memories and then more hours to be examined. She had briefly thought about going home to her mother, but had finally decided she needed the solitude of her own quarters. She would talk to Gretchen tomorrow.

The piano was still there. Kathryn regarded it for a minute, almost surprised at its continued presence in her living room. He loved her. Chakotay loved her. But she had always known that. It had never been a question of whether he did or didn't love her. Her mission had been more important and for a long time, there had been Mark. Kathryn shook her head and headed for the bathroom, leaving a trail of clothing behind her.

The long bath didn't stop her mind from racing and she toweled off and pulled on a robe, letting her tangled and wet hair drip down her back. She'd take the hypospray the Doctor had given her and lose herself in sleep. As she entered the darkened living room to grab the hypospray, her front door slid open and a tall figure stepped through. Kathryn almost hit the ceiling. She knew it wasn't possible, but for a minute she was convinced it was Braxton, back to put her in her place once more. Hell, he was a time traveler, anything was possible with him. Maybe it was him. Her blood pressure rose at that thought.

"Kathryn? Are you all right?" She had crouched into a defensive position. "It's me, Chakotay. Maybe I should have knocked first. Did I startle you?"

He came directly to her, paused for a moment, and then took her in his arms, his nose nuzzling into her hair.

"Did you just get out of the tub? Mmm, you used the honeysuckle bath oil. You smell so good."

She pulled away and wrapped her arms around herself.

"What are you doing here?"

"I had to see you. The Doctor and Troi notified us that you were released and needed time to yourself, but your mom and I were going crazy. She had to go back to Indiana and I told her I'd come and check on you."

"I'll talk to her tomorrow."

Chakotay was staring at her and Kathryn felt herself growing warm with embarrassment. She wished she was wearing something more substantial than the thin satin robe that was clinging to her damp skin.

"Kathryn, well? Tell me what it's like! It was incredible watching you remember, watching you realize what it meant to be home! That was one of the parts of it all that made it such a tragedy, how you couldn't appreciate being home. You have no idea how happy I am that you remember. And the crew, too. Naomi's going to tell Neelix when she talks to him tomorrow, so I'm sure he'll be demanding that you go talk to him right away."

Chakotay waited expectantly for an answer. What was it like? Well, one moment she had been innocent, unaware, the next filled with blinding joy, and the moment after that, once more aware of her deep guilt. It was like being doused in ice water when she had been expecting a warm embrace.

"I was about to go to bed. The Doctor gave me a hypospray."

She picked up the hypospray and Chakotay frowned.

"Your hair's still wet and tangled. Let me help you comb it out and dry it."

"No, I just want to go to bed. I don't care if my hair is wet."

"But you'll get the pillows wet. Let's go to bed and you can just lie down. I'll dry it for you, you don't have to do anything."

Kathryn stared at him, too shocked to say anything for a moment. He was here with the intention of staying the night. How could he be so presumptuous?

"Chakotay, I need to be alone. The Doctor and Troi already told you. I'm going to take this hypospray and go to bed now. I'll see you later."

She resented the way the corners of his mouth turned down. She was barely hanging on by a thread as it was, couldn't he see that and just let her be without putting demands on her?

"Oh." His face almost seemed to crumple and then he hugged her once more. "Oh, Kathryn, you have no idea what it was like to see you like that, to know that I was in the mess hall while he was beating you, taking your memories again. Oh Kathryn. But you're all right. You're all right."

She stood stiffly, waiting for him to free her from his desperate embrace. He leaned back only enough to press his forehead against hers.

"You should have told me about Mark. You shouldn't have let me think we were still—you should have told me. I felt like such a fool when I remembered."

"What?" He released Kathryn only to place his hands on her shoulders.

"You should have told me about Mark."

"No, you didn't need to go through that pain again, not when the Doctor was so close to restoring your memories and not when you were so fragile. There's no reason to be embarrassed. I told Mark to just go along with it and he agreed immediately. He cares about you and he wanted to spare you as much pain as possible."

"You should have let me see the footage of my attack. I didn't recognize Braxton right away. If I had, I could have gotten away. Maybe he would still be alive and we would have him in custody now."

His hands fell away from her and he peered at her with concern.

"Kathryn, are you all right? I can't imagine what it must be like to suddenly have all of your memories returned like that. Why don't we sit down and talk?"

"No! I need to be alone, I told you! The Doctor told you!"

"Okay, okay."

He took a step back and she hated the pained and apprehensive look he wore. It made her heart ache and she impulsively threw her arms around him. He was solid and reassuring, warm and big. He was the man who had been her lifeline for the past six months, the man she had agreed to live with, the man she loved and whose child she wanted to have. But he was also Chakotay, her first officer, her friend, but never ever more because her priority was getting Voyager home. She let go of him abruptly, pushing him away.

"You should go. I'm—I need to rest."

"Kathryn, are you sure you should be alone?"

"Yes!"

"All right. Look, get in bed and I'll give you your hypospray. I'll get you a towel for your hair and then you can have a good night's sleep."

She longed for him to stay with her so that she could wrap herself around him and sleep all night long, secure and safe, but that was impossible now. This was Chakotay.

"Just go."

He wanted to protest, but he slowly nodded and left.


	26. Chapter 26

It was life-altering for Kathryn to have her memories again. Unfortunately, her superiors didn't seem to realize that. They had patiently waited for Kathryn to regain her memories and, along with Chakotay, had sheltered her from much of the chaos of Voyager's arrival, but that was all over now. The morning after she regained her memories, Kathryn was summoned to an inquiry with two representatives from the Department of Temporal Investigations. Chakotay was right next to her being debriefed about his destruction of Braxton's timeship while she answered for her actions, Admiral Janeway's motives, and Braxton's final words.

"You're saying this is a predestination paradox? You were always meant to travel back in time to change the past and you had no choice in the matter?"

"No, that's not what I'm saying at all. I'm only repeating what Braxton said. He was disturbed, to put it mildly. I have no idea how accurate any of his statements were."

Kathryn folded her hands neatly on the tabletop and attempted to focus only on the two men from the Department of Temporal Investigations sitting before her. Admirals Hayes, Paris, and Nechayev were sitting with them while Chakotay was sitting next to her. Dulmur glanced at his partner, Lucsly, and leaned forward.

"What do you think about this claim that you saved humanity from assimilation?"

"It could have some merit. I wondered why Braxton and his people didn't try to stop my future counterpart before she ever made it to Voyager in the first place. One explanation could be that we were allowed to change the timeline because Braxton's people believed it was beneficial. There is precedence, after all. Captain Chakotay and I discovered that humanity's history was profoundly altered by Braxton himself when he tried to destroy Voyager the first time. Those changes were left in place."

Dulmur and Lucsly both made identical pained expressions.

"I hate paradoxes," Lucsly muttered. He sighed and examined his padd. "Do you know exactly why Admiral Janeway decided to change her past? You didn't record a reason in your logs. We've been anxious for you to regain your memories so that we could ask."

"She endured too many losses. Twenty-three more crewmembers were going to be killed before we made it home. There was Tuvok's illness, as well. She had to watch him lose his mind and there was nothing she could do about it."

"Twenty-three?" Chakotay gasped. He was clearly stricken by the knowledge of all those deaths.

"Personal gain, then," Dulmur murmured. He tapped a series of notes into his padd.

"I wouldn't call it personal gain. She did it for our crew," Kathryn snapped.

"Yes, and it falls under the category of personal gain, rather than for the good of humanity or to preserve the timeline after a previous temporal violation or because a paradox forced her to do it." Dulmur was ticking off the categories on the fingers of his hand as he spoke. "This was a temporal violation done purely for the benefit of Admiral Janeway."

"No, it was for the benefit of our people. She promised—I promised to get them home, but I failed. I didn't get them home in time! How could she just be happy being home when there had been so much suffering and when so many didn't make it home?"

"Sometimes life doesn't go your way, but you learn to accept it. You don't just change the timeline to make yourself feel better," Lucsly lectured. "Imagine the chaos if everyone was running around trying to change the past. Well, at any rate, this particular temporal violation appears to be warranted due to the effect on the Borg collective."

Kathryn tried to calm herself. Just accept her failure to get her crew home in time? They had no clue what it was like to shoulder such a terrible burden of guilt. She turned away from Lucsly to face the admirals.

"If I may make a suggestion, Braxton's comments should be kept strictly classified. We have no way of knowing if the Borg are truly no longer a threat. It would be incredibly dangerous to operate on that assumption. Starfleet and the Federation need to continue developing strategies against the Borg."

"Agreed," Admiral Nechayev responded and faced Lucsly and Dulmur. "This information does not leave the room. Is there anything else you need to question Captain Janeway or Captain Chakotay about?"

"Not at this time. We'll write our report up, although I do have a recommendation of my own right now." Dulmur gave Kathryn a speculative look. "Captain Janeway should be extensively evaluated before she is promoted to the admiralty. She herself was not the individual who traveled back in time, but her future counterpart's actions are evidence of what she may be capable of if given enough leeway and authority."

"I hardly make it a habit to do what I want for my own personal gain, Mr. Dulmur. I always try to do what is morally right and I believe my actions as Voyager's captain prove that! Admiral Janeway was an entirely different person who will never exist now. She was profoundly changed by those sixteen additional years in the Delta Quadrant. It must have been hell to finally get home, but with so many lost. You can't possibly imagine what it must have been like for her. I can barely do it." Kathryn was almost shaking as she spoke and Chakotay was watching her with deep concern.

Admiral Hayes spoke softly. "We deliberated on this topic months ago with Captain Chakotay and Commander Tuvok and we all feel confident that you are still a trustworthy Starfleet officer. You truly did a remarkable job adhering to the spirit of Starfleet out there, if not always the letter, and it's the reason we need you in the admiralty. We need your strength, courage, and persistence if we are ever to rebuild. The promotion is yours, if you want it. We're prepared to honor you with a public ceremony as early as next week. Just say the word."

The room went silent. Everyone was staring at her and Chakotay was trying to make eye contact. Kathryn bowed her head. She could remember quite distinctly how she had longed and grieved for Voyager during her time without her memories and how strenuously she had objected to a promotion to the admiralty. She could feel the hunger to explore the stars and the happiness she had experienced for those eight days on Voyager before Braxton's final visit. But now it was overshadowed by her memories of seven years in the Delta Quadrant.

They had all been right: Chakotay, the Doctor, Tuvok, Owen Paris. It had been the experience of a lifetime, but it had eventually drained her spirit. It had once been a joy to captain Voyager, to—how had Chakotay put it? To strut across the bridge as if she had been born to do it. There was a sharp sadness to Kathryn's thoughts. Losing her memories and then regaining them allowed her to realize just how she had changed. Once she had been curious, eager, and bold. Now she was simply relieved her crew was home and nothing else seemed to matter very much. Being part of the admiralty would keep her busy, at least.

"I want to be of use to Starfleet. I'll accept the promotion."

Chakotay ducked his head for a moment before joining in the congratulations with the admirals. Lucsly and Dulmur were both dismissed and before Kathryn could even catch her breath, she and Chakotay were sent off to a press conference with Admiral Hayes in tow. The media had been kept away from her and her crew out of deference to her condition, but now that Kathryn was herself again, Starfleet wanted her to begin using her popularity for the good of the Federation. She and Chakotay were left alone for the first time that day while they waited for Admiral Hayes to finish the preliminary portion of the press conference. Chakotay cautiously approached Kathryn and laid a hand on her shoulder.

"How are you, Kathryn? Were you able to sleep with that hypospray?"

"I'm fine. I slept just fine."

"Good, I was really worried about you. You looked like you were on the edge last night. We need some time alone together, but it looks like they're going to keep us busy all day. Let's meet tonight, no matter how late, all right? My quarters or yours?"

Kathryn looked into his brown eyes and took the big hand on her shoulder and held it between both of her hands. She wanted to be alone with him somewhere where she could just throw herself in his arms and have him tell her how much he loved her. She had missed him terribly last night, but at the same time, she couldn't shake the tangled knot of emotions that was present now that her memories were restored, the same tangled knot that had always been there on Voyager every time she thought too much about her first officer. She instinctively took a step back and shook her head.

"No, I need to be alone still." And then, because she just couldn't help herself, "Rain check, all right?"

Chakotay frowned, but nodded.

"All right, but I'm worried about you. I don't think it's good for you to be alone so much..."

He let his voice trail off at the glare she gave him and cast about for another topic of conversation.

"Kathryn, why didn't you tell me what Admiral Janeway told you of her time line? It must have been devastating to hear that. Tuvok and twenty-three more people. How horrible."

Kathryn blinked hard at that.

"Yes, it was devastating. That was when I knew I had to listen to her."

"Did she tell you who they were? What else happened?"

"It doesn't matter. None of it will happen now."

"Hey." He took a step forward and placed his hand on her cheek. "I know what you're doing. I could see it yesterday and today too. I can see it in your eyes, just like I did on Voyager. You're blaming yourself, aren't you? You're feeling guilty for having stranded Voyager out there. If there was any good out of what Braxton did to you, it was that you were free of that guilt for a little while. Kathryn, there's no reason at all for you to feel this way. Surely you've seen that over the last six months."

Kathryn wrenched herself away from him, scoffing.

"Don't, Chakotay."

"No, you don't. Our crew loves you. I love you. You made us into a family and community and we all understand and agree with what you did and we still would, even if we hadn't made it home. None of us would be so devoted to you if it weren't the truth."

Kathryn shook her head. He hadn't been devoted to her. He'd married Seven and no matter how unfair of her it was to hold it against him, it hurt her, just as much as it had hurt when she saw the wedding ring on Mark's finger and realized he had married someone else.

An aide approached them at that moment to summon them to the press conference. It was a relief to go out into that room and face all of the reporters. Kathryn had always excelled while under pressure and this was no exception. Answering the reporters' questions kept her on her toes and forced her to gather her thoughts and push away her troubled emotions. Admiral Hayes was there to deflect questions about classified subjects, such as how Voyager had finally come home and exactly what had caused Kathryn's memory loss, but he let Kathryn take charge and answer most questions. Starfleet had been releasing general summaries of Voyager's adventures to the public ever since regular contact was established with the ship and the reporters were anxious to know the details.

"Yes, you in the green."

The room quieted as the reporters and Starfleet personnel listened to the reporter's question.

"Thank you, Ma'am. You keep saying that the Maquis became part of the crew after just a few bumps in the road. How was that possible? How were you able to meld the Maquis into your crew so easily?"

"There were many reasons I was able to do it, but there were three main factors that were indispensable. First, every person was desperately needed to run the ship. Even Naomi Wildman had responsibilities she performed for the ship once she was old enough. Everyone knew how invaluable they were and it created a sense of responsibility and ownership toward the ship and our mission that overrode most personal conflicts. Second, I made the decision to hold to Starfleet principles as much as possible. Those principles gave us a purpose greater than mere survival out there and also the order and discipline that made it possible for us to keep striving no matter how difficult it sometimes was out there. The third, but certainly not least, factor is Captain Chakotay. He recognized the gravity of our situation at once and knew how important harmony between our crews was. He led by example, showing our crew how we all needed to behave. He was a model Starfleet officer right from the start and I know that there were many incidents and situations he was able to smooth over before they became major issues. Voyager would not have made it home without him. Yes, you in the gray."

"This question is for Captain Chakotay. Sir, you were a captain of your own ship, but you agreed to serve as Captain Janeway's first officer. Wasn't that difficult, especially when Captain Janeway insisted that you wear a Starfleet uniform once more? She calls you a model Starfleet officer, but you resigned from Starfleet to join the Maquis. How were you able to become a Starfleet officer again?"

"It wasn't difficult for me to return to Starfleet and there's one reason for that. Captain Janeway left out the most important factor that helped unite our crews, and also, the reason I was able to rejoin Starfleet. It was her guidance and leadership. She is quite simply the finest captain Starfleet has ever had. She was fiercely devoted to bringing our ship home, but she was also a dedicated explorer and scientist. She made us feel the wonder of exploring the unknown while also pushing us to reach our potential."

A different reporter now asked, "But didn't you resent Captain Janeway for having stranded you out there? It was her decision that left you there with no way of getting back."

"Absolutely not! She had my loyalty from the moment she made that decision. It's probably the bravest thing I've ever seen someone do and it told me she would be a person worth following. She showed more moral fiber and courage in that single moment than any of the Starfleet officers who allowed my home world to be destroyed for the sake of political expediency. It was my honor to serve by her side and take her burdens from her so that she could lead us home."

Chakotay was looking straight at Kathryn as he spoke, his voice almost caressing her. She had to resist the urge to kick him. His feelings were plain to be seen on his face and it hadn't escaped anyone's notice. There followed a flurry of questions about the nature of their relationship which Kathryn deflected easily until Admiral Hayes put an end to the conference with promises of more conferences and interviews to come.


	27. Chapter 27

"So, Captain, are you ready to have that conversation about the idiocy of Chakotay dating Seven now?"

Kathryn choked on the sip of wine she had just taken and B'Elanna smirked at the reaction she had elicited. She was so very, very tired and wanted nothing more than to retreat to the peace of her quarters after the long day of interviews she had led, but her crew had surprised her with a party. Of course they had. They were delighted to have their captain back and were always quick to take any excuse to gather. Tom had even timed the party to coincide with the communications window to Neelix's colony, so that he could be part of the celebration. Kathryn sighed and looked across the room toward Chakotay. He was chatting with Seven and the Doctor.

"It wasn't any of my business if Chakotay wanted to date Seven. They're both adults."

"Are you kidding me? It was always your business. Whenever Chakotay took up with a woman, it usually ended up biting us all in the ass. He has a real knack for picking the worst woman, same as Harry. Let's see, Seska almost cost us the ship, lucky for us we had Tom on our side. That blonde Borg could have assimilated us if she'd felt like it. Then there was the Species 8472 woman."

"Don't forget Kellin," Kathryn murmured.

"Who?"

"Never mind."

Kellin was a little complicated to explain and Kathryn didn't want to get involved in that conversation.

"Seven." B'Elanna snorted. "I would ask what he was thinking, but I already know exactly what he was thinking."

"B'Elanna, Chakotay isn't that type of person."

"Sure he is, every man is. You didn't know him in the Maquis. How do you think Seska happened? I guess women can be the same way, too. There's nothing wrong with it, unless someone gets hurt. That's why I think he's an idiot. He was going to hurt you. He would have, if we hadn't gotten home."

Kathryn clenched her jaw. She wanted to protest that it wouldn't have hurt her at all, but it would be an outright lie.

"Chakotay was free to do what he wanted. He was right to grab a piece of happiness if it presented itself."

"Right. And what about Seven? You always let her get away with everything, were you just going to hand over Chakotay, too?"

"Chakotay was never mine, B'Elanna. You know that."

"Yes, he was. He was always yours. That's why Seska hated you so much. You, though, you weren't his. You gave yourself to all of us and that's why we would all die for you and why we all love you."

Kathryn didn't respond, but she held B'Elanna's words close to her heart. They did all love her, despite how she had changed the course of their lives. It had only been two days since she had regained her memories, but they had all managed to contact her in some way, whether it was coming to see her in person or sending her a sweet message. They had supported her throughout the six months without her memories and now that the media was allowed to interview the Voyager crew, they were publicly vocal about their support of her.

"You know something I've noticed, Captain? You're avoiding Seven. I've seen her try to start up conversations with you and you end them pretty quickly. You weren't doing that before. You two were friends again, you were playing Velocity regularly, but now that you remember, you don't want much to do with her. And it's kind of the same with Chakotay. We all know exactly how close you two had gotten. You were both too happy for any other explanation, but now, you're keeping him at arm's length."

Kathryn took a hearty swig of her wine and placed one hand on a hip. "Just what is your point with all of this, Lieutenant?"

"Just that I'm very happy now and it's because of you. I want you and Chakotay to be happy too. Braxton tried to keep you from being happy and I would hate to see him succeed."

Kathryn mulled over her conversation with B'Elanna for the remainder of the party. She had been right in her observations of Kathryn's behavior with Seven and Chakotay. Along with the deep confusion she was feeling, Kathryn was angry with them both, even though she knew it was unfair and unjustified. What had happened in that other timeline should have no effect on this new timeline and she wasn't going to let Braxton win. She had been refusing to see Chakotay alone, but at the end of the party, when he once more asked if he could come to her quarters and talk to her, Kathryn agreed.

As soon as they entered her quarters, Chakotay pulled her into his arms and kissed her. Maybe he had meant it to be a tender exchange, but it quickly became heated and he began pulling her zipper down. She loved him and she needed a connection with him, but after a moment she pushed his hands away and rearranged her dress.

"Chakotay, no, we need to talk."

He ran a hand over his hair and nodded, his breath almost coming in pants.

"I know, I just couldn't resist. You have no idea how much I've missed you and how worried I've been about you. Are you sure you're getting enough sleep? You look so tired."

"I've been having very vivid dreams, well, actually, I've been reliving memories. The Doctor says it's normal, just my subconscious trying to work through everything and it'll fade soon."

"That sounds rough. I could stay here with you if some company at night would help."

"Maybe, let's just talk for now."

They settled onto the couch and Chakotay snuggled her into his lap. She melted against his chest when he began playing with her hair. She had missed him, too. She had been so bewildered and lost since Braxton's last attack and it felt right to be in Chakotay's arms once more.

"Talk to me, Kathryn."

"I thought Braxton was going to kill me and all I could think of was you just before he shot me. Then I was just lying there, with him on top of me. I knew he had hurt me, but I didn't know why or who he was. Twice he's gotten the better of me! I should have been able to fight him off and stop him, but I didn't. The last two nights, I haven't been able to stop thinking he's going to come after me again. He's a time traveler, maybe he could come after me again. I'm sleeping with a phaser under my pillow just in case."

"He won't be after you again. The version of him that wouldn't stop coming after you is dead and remember, he couldn't get to you while you were on Earth. He had to wait until the shields failed on Voyager. You're too well-protected here and you will be too when you go into space again. You're going to be an admiral soon and Starfleet is going to take very good care of you."

"I shouldn't be afraid like this."

"There's nothing wrong with being afraid and anyway, the trauma is still fresh for you. It'll fade over time, you'll see."

Kathryn nodded, she had been telling herself the same things, but it was nice to have Chakotay say them to her too.

"My brain doesn't ever stop. I can barely keep my mind on whatever is going on around me because I can't stop thinking about my memories and overlaying them over my experiences from the past six months. And the emotions and memories are so vivid, Chakotay. It's like it all just happened."

Chakotay shifted Kathryn so that she was sitting beside him and they could see each other face to face.

"It sounds overwhelming, but I think I can relate, at least a little. It was like that for me after the Vori and what they did to me, but I got through it. You were there for me, you were a lifeline. I'll be here for you while you work through this."

Kathryn remembered that experience now, how confused and angry Chakotay had been and how concerned she had been. Of course, they weren't lovers then, just friends, but she had made the effort to keep him grounded and connected while he regained his sense of self. She frowned.

"I felt like this another time, Chakotay. I felt like this after Quarra. It was only three weeks that time, instead of six months, but they made me forget Voyager and my promise to get you all home. It was terrible when I remembered, when all of the weight of my responsibility as Voyager's captain suddenly came back to me. All the guilt..." She held her head in her hands. "Just like the other day at Starfleet Medical when I remembered again. It weighs on me."

"I'm here to help you bear it. You're not alone."

Chakotay knelt down in front of Kathryn, so that he could look her in the eyes. She reached out to trace the familiar lines of his tattoo.

"But you weren't there for me after Quarra. I had to bear it all alone."

Chakotay's face went still.

"Kathryn..."

"You weren't there when I woke up in sick bay after I was assimilated. You weren't there after you took my ship and almost had Tuvok murder me. You weren't there when the admiral came aboard and told me all those horrible things about our future. You weren't even there next to me when we made it through the transwarp hub and into the Alpha Quadrant. I remember it all now."

"Kathryn, you remember. I told you. I wanted to be there, but you didn't want me there. You pushed me away."

"You don't have to remind me. I remember better than you do. You pulled away from me."

Kathryn sat up straight, raising her chin, and Chakotay slowly stood, looking down at her.

"Sweetheart, you're confused about things right now and you're very tired. You should go to bed now and I'll stay with you. I'll sleep on the couch if you prefer and everything will be more clear in the morning."

"No. Everything is clear now. You were punishing me, weren't you? You didn't like the choices I made, but you had to accept them because I was the captain, so you punished me by withdrawing your friendship. And for the past six months, you've been telling me that it was my fault, that I kept you away because I was so burned out and overburdened, that I had hurt you, but it's not true at all. You were the one hurting me."

"We're not going to talk about these things right now, it's not a good idea."

"Yes, we are. You don't get to decide anymore what we do or don't talk about. You liked having the upper hand, didn't you? You had power over me because you knew everything and I was ignorant and you kept me that way. Well, not anymore."

Chakotay clamped his mouth shut and walked away from the couch, his fists clenched together, and spoke in a flat tone.

"So much for me facing you with a clear conscience once you had your memories back. It was a mistake to let things go as far as they did between us. Now you resent me for taking advantage of you. I love you, but I knew you wouldn't love me anymore once you were yourself again. You never did and you still don't. I just—it was a nice month we had together. I knew all along it wasn't going to last, but I thought I might as well enjoy it while I could."

Kathryn pressed her lips together. She had told him she loved him when she was free and unencumbered from her past, but she couldn't do it now. The years of repression and denial were too many to push past in this horrible moment. She had started this confrontation somehow, without meaning to and now she didn't know how to end it. Seven years' worth of pain and guilt were once more crushing her and she couldn't deal with it any better than she had on Voyager, so she lashed out at him

"That's always your attitude, isn't it? Enjoy yourself while you can. That explains Seven, right? You never cared about her at all, you never helped her regain her humanity, you never tried to get to know her as a person, but you were quick to come sniffing around when she snapped her fingers at you."

"Why the hell are you bringing up Seven?" he demanded incredulously.

"You married her. That was something else the admiral told me. You married her and then she was killed on an away mission and we were never the same again. You say you always loved me, but you were quick to trot after the first woman to look your way. And it had to be Seven, out of all the women on the ship, it had to be Seven!"

Chakotay's eyes were blazing now. She was facing him, her chin tilted up so she could look into his eyes.

"Why shouldn't I have married her? I wanted you all those years and you knew it and you never once cared. You were never going to put me ahead of Voyager."

"Of course I wasn't! Voyager was everything. I owed everyone my life after what I did to their lives."

"No one wanted you to sacrifice yourself, no one asked you to do that! It was just you martyring yourself."

"I had to do it! It was the only way. You wouldn't have gotten us home. You wouldn't have made the hard choices. You wouldn't have gotten us through Borg space. You wouldn't have stopped Ransom. You wouldn't have stolen a Borg transwarp coil."

"Maybe not, but I'm ending this argument now. I'm not going to get drawn into this any further. I shouldn't have let you draw me into it at all. I've meant every word I've said about you in all the interviews we've been giving. You were caught in an incredibly difficult situation out there and you did the best you could with a dignity and grace no one else could ever hope to muster. Destroying the Caretaker's array was the right thing to do and I would have done it too. I could have stopped you from doing it, but I didn't because it needed to be done. Why can't you just accept that it was the right thing to do? It isn't like you to second guess yourself, so why do you keep torturing yourself over this?"

Kathryn turned away from him, unable to withstand his scrutiny.

"I don't know. I just can't stop."

"You're never going to be happy until you do."

She didn't respond for a long moment. Finally, she turned back.

"Chakotay, I need you to know that I don't think you took advantage of me. I was the one who pushed for us to be together. I was happy with you, but I have to end it now. I just can't be in a relationship right now. I'm sorry, I never meant to hurt you and I want to thank you for all you've done for me. You're the kindest and best man I've ever known. You deserve only good things in life and I hope you get them."

Chakotay stayed stock still for a moment, stunned. Slowly, he reached out and stroked her cheek, wiping away the tears that were beginning to make their way down her face.

"Oh, Kathryn," he whispered. "My Kathryn. I only ever wanted to make your life easier. You're the one who deserves only the good things in life. I love you and I always will."

He left then and Kathryn crouched down on the floor, hugging her knees to her chest and forcing the tears down. Eventually, she went to bed, one hand under her pillow and clenched around the phaser hidden there.


	28. Chapter 28

Kathryn woke up four days after her final confrontation with Chakotay. Tomorrow was her promotion party. Owen Paris would be doing the honors and it was to be one of the most prestigious Starfleet events since the end of the Dominion War. Kathryn stripped off her nightgown and examined herself in the mirror as she had six months ago when she woke up in sickbay. Her body was back in shape, but she was still in just as much turmoil as she had been on that terrible day. Methodically, she showered and dressed in a blouse and slacks, then styled her hair and made up her face. Satisfied with her neat appearance, she sat at her desk and worked at her computer. When she was finished, she transmitted her letter to her mother and her resignation to Admiral Paris, then left her quarters without a backward glance.

Perhaps it was cowardly to resign and leave without speaking to anyone, but she already knew she would be told that she didn't know her own mind or that she needed to go to Starfleet Medical to be evaluated. No, she certainly didn't know her own mind and it wasn't just because of Braxton. She had given every bit of herself to her crew and Voyager and now she needed to find what was left of her. As for Starfleet Medical—she was through with that. She had been there at least twice a week for the past six months and she was through with examinations and counseling.

What she wanted right now was her dog. She remembered now how much she had longed for Molly, especially when she was in sickbay recovering from assimilation. She stopped at the Night Owl Cafe and called Mark to tell him she would be by to pick up Molly. He gave her the security code and she decided to sit and savor a cup of hot coffee before she headed over. The morning's customers were mainly cadets and a few Starfleet officers. A long time ago she had been one of those cadets with her hair in a long braid down her back and an armful of padds. She had been full of hope then and hadn't known about Cardassians or torture or shuttle crashes on ice planets. Or the Delta Quadrant. Or Maquis captains. Or guilt.

She had expected Mark's house would be empty, but he was sitting on the front steps waiting for her and he insisted on fixing her breakfast. She sat at the kitchen table watching while Mark mixed waffle batter. An enormous orange cat appeared and plopped itself down in a patch of sunlight on the floor near Kathryn's feet.

"Well, hello there, Mr. Cat," she murmured. "I didn't know you had a cat, Mark. I'm surprised Molly puts up with him."

Mark laughed. "She doesn't, but Fred keeps her in her place."

"How long have you had him?"

"Oh, it's been five years now."

"Five years? That would have been..."

"Right after Starfleet declared you dead. I was angry with you and I knew you wouldn't want him, so I got him. Doesn't make much sense, does it?"

"Sure it does. It wasn't easy for you."

Mark brought the plates of food to the table and Kathryn ran her fork through the syrup, watching the patterns left by the tines.

"It wasn't easy for you either, Kath. I still feel so much guilt over not waiting for you. I should have known you were still alive. The hardest thing I ever did was write you that letter. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you."

Kathryn tried to swallow the lump in her throat.

"You didn't hurt me. I knew the chances were you had given me up for dead by then and I wanted you to be happy. It lessened my burden to know that you were all right. Karla is wonderful and Jenny is a delightful little girl. I'm truly happy for you."

Kathryn began cutting her waffle into small pieces. Her heart was pounding and the words she needed to say were sticking in her throat, but she had to do this. If she ever wanted to heal herself, she needed to start with Mark.

"What is it, Kath?"

"I—I fell in love with Chakotay."

"I know, honey, and I know he had a hard time accepting that while your memories were gone, but now you can build something together."

"No, you don't understand. I fell in love with him on Voyager, while I was still engaged to you. It was wrong. You thought I was dead, but I had no excuse. We were stranded on a planet together for three months early in the voyage and he was so kind and wonderful. I got to know him without the distractions of the ship and he was in love with me. The way he looked at me—well, I almost gave in. I almost—but the ship came back for us. I'm sorry. I wasn't physically unfaithful, but in my heart..."

"Have you been beating yourself up for that all these years? Oh, Kath, I would have understood. I do understand. I didn't want you to be alone, not if you had the opportunity to be with someone you loved."

"I couldn't have. It wasn't fair to you. Even though I knew it was likely you had given me up for dead, I couldn't take that step. And he was my first officer and he was my prisoner and he was my friend. It was impossible. It would have been so inappropriate. I needed him to be my first officer. I couldn't risk our command structure, not when our situation was so precarious. And it wouldn't have been right, not when I stranded the ship out there. How could I indulge myself when I had taken everyone else away from their loved ones?"

Mark had dropped his fork onto his plate and was regarding Kathryn with alarm.

"Kathryn, I don't know about the appropriateness of dating your first officer, but not indulging yourself—that sounds very unhealthy. You sound the way you did when I was trying to get you to date me. You thought you didn't deserve anyone's love ever again, even though Justin's death wasn't your fault."

"I know. But Mark, there was always the possibility that I would have to order him to his death. I couldn't love him, not when I might have to do that."

"But that's all behind you now. You're not on Voyager anymore and you have your memories back. There's no reason you can't have a relationship now."

"No! You don't understand. I was so cruel to him sometimes. I knew he loved me and sometimes I needed to bask in it because I was so lonely, but it drove me crazy because it was so wrong to feel that way about him. So I would push him away and eventually, he stopped being there for me. I threw it in his face the other day that he wasn't there for me when I needed him. I wanted to hurt him because of what he did in the other timeline. He gave up on me, he married Seven, but how can I blame him for that? You didn't wait for me and we were engaged, why should he have waited for me when I was always pushing him away and I never told him how I felt?"

Mark came around to Kathryn and pulled her into his arms. She sighed and let him hold her.

"You are worthy of love, Kathryn. You deserve to be loved. It would be a terrible shame to deny yourself love because of guilt. You deserve to be happy."

"No, I don't. Braxton was right about that."

"Oh, Kath."

Kathryn pulled away from him and stood up.

"I'm going to go now. Can you please help me gather up Molly's things? Which dog food have you been replicating?"

Mark slowly packed up Molly's bed, dishes, and blanket. He snapped on her leash, but held on to it.

"Where are you going, Kath? I'm worried about you."

"I don't know. Just somewhere where I don't have to be responsible for anyone."

"It's Jenny's birthday next week. We're going to have a little get-together on Sunday and we'd love it if you came."

"I don't know."

"Call me, at least. Let me know how you're doing. Please."

"Maybe I will. Thank you for taking good care of Molly."

She pried the leash out of Mark's hand and picked up the large bag containing Molly's belongings in the other. She stepped out into the sunlight. Molly's claws click-clacked along the sidewalk as she ran ahead of Kathryn. Where would they go? They could go anywhere at all, even the Gamma Quadrant, but where did Kathryn want to go? Somewhere where she could rest.


	29. Chapter 29

Kathryn had nowhere to be. It was a liberating feeling and she allowed Molly to lead her to a large park with a playground. The bag with Molly's belongings was awkward to carry and Kathryn was relieved to find a bench where she could sit down and rest. She unsnapped Molly's leash and activated the remote perimeter control that would allow her to roam within a certain distance from Kathryn. Molly seemed to be familiar with the park. Of course she was, she had led Kathryn here. Mark and Karla must come here often with Jenny.

There were a few young children playing on the playground equipment while their parents or caregivers supervised them. Kathryn watched them a little wistfully. Not that long ago she had been planning on having a child of her own, maybe a little boy with a shock of black hair. That had been when she was innocent and free of the past seven years. She had been hopeful enough to plan a future for herself, but now she was simply tired and hollowed out. Molly's sudden vicious growling pulled Kathryn out of her introspection. Q was standing before her and Molly was making her displeasure known.

"Unpleasant little beast, aren't you?"

He held up his fingers, ready to snap them, and Kathryn flung herself over Molly.

"Don't you dare!"

"I was just going to send her to a nice farm with plenty of fields for her to romp through. I'm offended that you always assume the worst of me."

Kathryn ignored him and petted Molly, firmly stopping her from lunging at Q's throat. She grasped her by the collar and pulled her back to the bench. In a moment, she had her leashed again and they were walking away, the bulky bag making Kathryn lean over to the side. Q trailed along, but Kathryn ignored him, hoping that he would become bored and go back to the Continuum or whatever corner of the universe he was harassing these days. She needed to decide where she was going. Traveling off planet was going to be difficult now that she wasn't a member of Starfleet. The media wouldn't be constrained by Starfleet anymore and she was pretty sure they would just love to corner her.

"Ugh, you're back to your unpleasant self, I see. I liked the old you better, the one without the memories. This-" and he made a general sweeping motion encompassing Kathryn, "-is just pathetic."

The bag slipped and Kathryn paused to hitch it up and rearrange Molly's leash.

"You know what would help? A wheeled cart. You could put all your belongings in it and walk around the city sharing your scintillating personality with anyone unlucky enough to cross paths with you. Just like Braxton."

Kathryn froze for a second, almost taking the bait and lashing out at Q, but she controlled herself and resumed her walk. Q continued his musings cheerfully, obviously not deterred in the slightest by Kathryn's silence.

"You Starfleet captains are all the same, in the end. You hold yourself to ridiculously lofty standards, but when you fall apart, you always manage to do it in spectacularly deranged ways. You should have seen the tantrums Jean-Luc threw when the Borg were trying to assimilate his precious Enterprise."

Kathryn couldn't help but glance at Q. The cultured, controlled, and cool Jean-Luc Picard throwing tantrums?

"You topped him, though. Ten years of plotting, stealing from Klingons, destroying a Borg transwarp hub, and deliberately letting yourself be assimilated by the Borg Queen. All of it so that Voyager could come home early and you could save your people and so you could have a life. And yet, here you are, wandering the streets of San Francisco with nothing to your name but a bag and a dog. Pathetic."

He shook his head. Kathryn paused to switch the bag and leash to the opposite hands. Really, Mark could have packed Molly's belongings in something a little less awkward.

"Ransom now, he really went off the deep end, didn't he? Deliberately flouted all your precious Starfleet principles in the worst possible way just to get his crew home. But that was something you sometimes dreamed of doing, wasn't it? Sometimes you didn't want to follow the rules."

Kathryn bit her lip to keep herself from shouting at him. She needed to ignore him and concentrate on where she was going to go. Risa? A Vulcan monastery?

"I know your dirty little secret, Kathy, and you can't deny it. You didn't hate Ransom only because of what he'd done, you also hated him because you understood him and you were scared you would become just like him. You did, in the end. You changed the timeline just for the convenience of a handful of people." He clucked his tongue. "I always knew you were a naughty girl deep down, despite all your talk of human morality."

"Oh, shut up. You don't know anything," Kathryn snapped, unable to maintain her silence any longer.

"Please, I'm omnipotent, of course I know everything. For instance, I know all about Braxton, yet another example of a Starfleet captain who fell apart. You would think that by his time, Starfleet would have learned not to push their captains to the brink of insanity, but you would be wrong. It's not all Starfleet's fault, though. He could have chosen to reign himself in, to ask his friends and crew for help, but he didn't."

"Go away, Q. I'm not interested in your ramblings."

"No. I want to see what you're going to do next. I told you, it's usually spectacular when a Starfleet captain falls apart."

Molly stopped to relieve herself and Kathryn set the bag down in order to search for the waste disposal unit. She cleaned up the mess, picked up the bag, and resumed walking.

"Now that was just disgusting. Horrifying. How can you lower yourself to such depths? You once commanded a starship, primitive as it was, and now you're reduced to disposing of an animal's bodily wastes?" He shuddered dramatically.

"You can always leave if you don't like it."

She should just head to the transport hub. It would be easier to decide where to go if she could see the schedules for herself. Betazed? It might be nice to see the rebuilding efforts, but an entire world of telepaths was a sobering prospect.

"You know, I'd like to give you a welcome home present, now that you've got your memories again. I did something nice for Jean-Luc once. I let him see how his life would have played out had he changed just one incident in his life."

Q looked at Kathryn speculatively and she walked a little faster. A gift from Q was likely to be a disaster.

"No, that wouldn't be quite right for you. Deep down, you know the choices you made were the best you could make. You just don't want to accept that."

He didn't speak again and Kathryn began to hope he might leave soon, but he suddenly gave a crow of delight.

"Ah, I know exactly what you need! You need some extra memories."

"The only thing I need is for you to go away!"

"You can thank me later."

Q snapped his fingers and Kathryn was on Voyager's bridge looking at Earth on the viewscreen. For one sickening second, she thought Q was going to force her to relive Braxton's attack, but she quickly realized that everything was wrong. Her body ached, especially her back, deep twinges shooting down her leg whenever she shifted position. Tom was at the helm, but he was much older. She tried to open her mouth and demand an explanation for what was happening, but she was unable to control her body.

"We've been given the clearance for the landing, Captain," Harry Kim said. Kathryn stood carefully, hiding her discomfort from her crew. She placed a hand on Tom's shoulder.

"Let's give them one hell of a show, Tom. Take us home."

"Yes, Ma'am!" He grinned and keyed in his commands while Kathryn slowly turned and surveyed the bridge. It was a bizarre experience. Kathryn was seemingly trapped in this pained body, unable to control it, while it moved and spoke of its own volition, but slowly she was discerning the feelings and thoughts of this body. Q had sent her to the timeline she had altered. This was the homecoming of Admiral Janeway—the homecoming that had been so unsatisfying she had been driven to erase twenty-six years of her past.

There were many changes. Instrument panels were different and the bridge showed signs of wear and tear, but it was the people on the bridge who most clearly demonstrated the passing of the years. The bridge was crammed full of people, all of them eager to witness Voyager's landing. B'Elanna was at the engineering station with a girl in a cadet uniform assisting her. Miral. Harry was standing at tactical, the three pips on his collar—two solid and one empty—catching the light. Mike Ayala was at Harry's former station. Samantha and Naomi Wildman were both at the science station, Naomi now a beautiful woman in full uniform.

But the people who were missing—Kathryn effortlessly gleaned the information from her new body's mind. Tuvok was in his quarters as he had been for years now, his beautiful mind long since ravaged. How was she going to face T'Pel today? She had promised to bring him back to T'Pel so many years ago and she had kept that promise, but in a hideous manner.

Seven was long gone and Kathryn didn't even have to pause to think of what had happened to her. The knowledge was simply there. She had been fatally injured on a routine away mission, just a meaningless accident with mining equipment. Kathryn and Chakotay had both raced to sickbay together, neither of them speaking, but both trusting in the Doctor's excellent skills and Seven's magical nanoprobes. One look at her had shown them the truth and Chakotay had clutched her to him for a few final moments while Kathryn attempted to comfort the stricken Doctor who had never stopped loving the broken woman on the biobed. Chakotay's wife.

Chakotay. Just the thought of him was enough to drop Kathryn into a well of blackness. Chakotay was in the morgue because they were so close to Earth when he was killed in a damned shuttle accident. She had refused to bury him in space, not when they were so close. She had failed to keep him alive, but she was bringing him home, too. Another promise kept, no matter how empty it had become.

Tom flew the ship through a fireworks show and there was a grand reception awaiting them. There had never been a party quite like this, but it was all ashes in Kathryn's mouth. She supervised Tuvok's transition to Starfleet Medical. It was necessary because he was convinced this was all a Hirogen trick and she was the only person he trusted. It took days with Kathryn at his side before he accepted T'Pel's presence.

B'Elanna and Tom helped her plan Chakotay's funeral, but she chose the plot, a sunny spot that vaguely reminded her of New Earth. She preferred to remember him as he had been on that faraway planet, rather than the bitter and broken man he had become. No one had seen the signs of the post-traumatic stress disorder he had been suffering from since before Teero's manipulation of his mind. His marriage to Seven had helped him keep himself somewhat together, but her death destroyed him and he had no interest in Kathryn's comfort. It had been years since they had been friends—she had pushed him away enough times that he had withdrawn from her altogether—and Kathryn gave up trying to help him through his grief after awhile. She was too busy with many of the duties he was no longer able to perform and with attempting to find a cure for Tuvok's disease.

She was promoted to the admiralty the day after Chakotay's funeral, another hollow victory. At least her additional authority gave her the ability to better help the crew adjust to life in the Alpha Quadrant. They had been gone too long and none of them quite fit in. All of them struggled to find their way. The Doctor seemed to sense Kathryn's bleak despair better than anyone else did, especially after her mother's death only three months after the return. He convinced her to have the surgery to remove the remaining Borg clamps from her spine and the relief from pain helped her to think a little more clearly than she had in years. She tried to see the good in their new lives and in all they had been through. She was proud of the technological advancements they had brought to the fleet and she cried the day Harry was promoted to captain.

But then she was asked to write her memoirs and was plunged into an obsession that would eventually drive her to break all of her beliefs. As she listened to her logs, she became angry with herself. So many missed opportunities, so many ways she could have brought them back home earlier. After her visits to Tuvok, she found herself sitting at Chakotay's grave, one hand caressing his tombstone while she talked to him as she hadn't talked to him in years.

"You and Harry did it, you somehow changed the past to right a terrible wrong. Why can't I? I just need to find the right time and the right method."

There was the wormhole they had found early in the journey. It would have easily taken them home, but Seven would be left a Borg drone and Species 8472 might well destroy all life in the galaxy if left unchecked. She had to choose a time after they had left Borg space and she soon realized that the nebula with the transwarp hub was the best bet.

Years of work and planning and loneliness and she was once more on Voyager with Chakotay and Tuvok before her, both healthy and whole—her commanders, her friends. What a wonder it was to see Seven again. A whole new future would await her now, a life away from Voyager with every option available to her. Neither Seven nor Chakotay had ever confided in her, but Kathryn suspected married life had not been as satisfying as it should have been. Getting home early would make all the difference for Seven, for everyone, even herself.

She had forgotten how idealistic she had still been at this point in the voyage. She knew her younger counterpart was already struggling through the depression that would only worsen as the years in the Delta Quadrant continued, but at this point she still had enough hope to casually throw away a foolproof plan to get home. There was an almost gleeful satisfaction in crushing some of that hope as she told herself a few of the horrors that awaited her. Kathryn was able to bend the captain to her will, but was surprised as she found herself bending too. So many years alone, so many years of second guessing her choices, so many years of hating herself, but now she was remembering the joy in the journey, the good that she done. As she watched the Borg Queen fall apart in front of her and felt the Borg implants sprout from her body, she willed Voyager home and she was filled with hope once more. She had hope that they would all be able to find the happiness that had eluded them and she had hope for her younger herself. Maybe she could now become the person she should have been, not the bitter and lonely woman she had become.

"Well, my work here is done. Goodbye, Kathy."

A kiss was pressed against Kathryn's lips and there was a bright flash of light. A dog was barking loudly and her hand was being jerked harshly. Kathryn looked down at Molly, bewildered. She let the bag drop from her hand.

"Kathryn! Kathryn? Are you all right?"

Chakotay was jogging down the sidewalk toward her. He was wearing his gray Starfleet uniform, a version he had never worn in the timeline Q had just forced her to experience. He came to a stop in front of her. He was so healthy and present, not at all the man who had become disinterested and disconnected from life on Voyager. His eyes were brimming with his love for her as he took her in. That love had always been there, but grief and anger and apathy had risen too high for it to shine through.

"Chakotay."

She reached out to stroke his warm cheek. Chakotay caught her hand in his and squeezed it.

"What's going on? I've been getting frantic calls about you all day from your mom and Admiral Paris and Mark. I've been looking for you everywhere. Why did you resign?"

"I'm so confused, Chakotay. I need help. Maybe I'm going crazy. I don't know if what just happened was real. Did you see him? Did you see Q just now?"

"Q? No, I just saw you standing right here, staring off into space. Molly was barking at you."

"Oh."

Kathryn glanced around, but there was no one else in sight who could tell her if Q had really just been there.

"Kathryn, I'll help you. If you'll let me, I'll help you. That's all I've ever wanted to do, help you and make you happy."

"Okay. Take me home. I want to go home."


	30. Chapter 30

Chakotay had them beamed directly to Gretchen's front door and Kathryn entered the house eagerly. She longed to connect with the family she had lost in the timeline Q had just shown her, but instead she was immediately subjected to scoldings from both her mother and sister. They were angry and hurt by her decision to leave so abruptly and demanded explanations that were difficult for Kathryn to give.

"I felt there was nothing left for me here. I brought my ship home and Chakotay took care of settling in the crew. What else is left for me to do? Bringing Voyager home was my only goal and I've accomplished that. I thought it would just be better to leave and find somewhere else to be."

"So you think your life is over at the ripe old age of forty-three? Kathryn, why didn't you come to me and tell me how you were feeling?" Gretchen asked incredulously. "I would have helped you, darling, don't you know that?"

"What do you mean by saying there's nothing left for you here?" Phoebe shouted. "What about us? I guess we're nothing, right?" She looked down at the baby nestled in her arms. "Did you hear that, Katie? Even though you're named after her, your aunt thinks you're nothing!"

Kathryn winced and then became annoyed.

"Hey, I didn't leave, all right? I came back, but maybe I'll still go away if this is the way you're going to treat me."

She kissed her mother's cheek and then kissed Phoebe, scooping the baby out of her arms.

"I love all of you. I love you so much and I'm sorry to have caused you so much grief, but I'm home now. I got my ship home and I'm here now. We all have a second chance together. Isn't it wonderful?" She cooed at the baby, then kissed Chakotay's cheek. "I'm starving, Mom. It feels as if I haven't eaten in ten years. It's lunchtime here, isn't it? Let's make something good."

They ate lunch together with Kathryn directing the conversation. She wanted to know all about her mother's classes and Phoebe's struggles with Eddie's sibling rivalry and Chakotay's preparations for the upcoming semester. They were all bemused by her chatty attitude, but went along with it. She held the baby throughout the meal, delighted at her ability to get some grins out of her little niece. She couldn't help but notice the hungry way Chakotay watched her interacting with the baby. She deliberately caught his eye and grinned at him, rocking little Katie, and was pleased to see Chakotay's dimples make an appearance. She hadn't seen them in a while and the Admiral—she had missed those dimples very much.

"I have an idea!" Kathryn exclaimed while they were cleaning up lunch. "Chakotay, would you like to go to Lake George with me? I haven't been there once since we got back from the Delta Quadrant." She turned to Gretchen. "I made a holodeck simulation of the lake on Voyager. I took Chakotay there once after a bad mission. Is the cabin empty right now?"

"It is, but what about your promo-"

"Great! You'll love it, Chakotay. Poor Molly, she's probably missed the lake. She likes swimming in it. Let's go!" She quickly kissed her mother, sister, and niece. She leashed Molly and scooped up the bag in the same hand, then grabbed Chakotay's hand. "I'll call you in a day or two. Bye!"

Chakotay followed Kathryn down the porch steps, laughing at her.

"What's gotten into you? I'm not complaining, I love it when you're in a good mood, but what's brought it on? I've been so worried about you and I've been keeping tabs on you."

"You're always looking after me, aren't you? That's sweet. The reason why I'm in such a good mood? Well, that's a long story. I'll tell you about it later. The transport station is pretty close and we can transport just a few hundred feet from the cabin. Here, you carry Molly's bag. I swear Mark picked the most awkward bag he could find."

"Speaking of Mark, we should call him. He was seriously concerned about you."

"There wasn't any reason for him to worry, but I'll call him later. Tell me about your cadets. Will you be doing a second training cruise?"

Kathryn tugged on Chakotay's hand and continued asking him questions until they arrived at Lake George. Then she continued the conversation, telling him of her family trips to the lake until they entered the cabin.

"This is great!" Chakotay walked around the small cabin, examining the Traditionalist kitchen. "This reminds me of my home. My mother had a stove like—Kathryn!"

He gasped in surprise as Kathryn began removing his uniform. She peeled the uniform jacket off, then pushed her hands underneath the turtleneck and tank top, running her hands over his beautiful stomach.

"What are you doing?"

"I think that's pretty obvious."

She began working on his pants and he grabbed her hands, stopping her.

"I thought you said you didn't want to be in a relationship with me right now."

"I was confused. It's been a difficult time for me, but I know what I want now."

"But we need to talk. You still haven't told me why you resigned. I thought that was why you wanted to bring me here. So we could have privacy and you could tell me-"

"You're right about the privacy."

She sank to her knees and Chakotay's resistance quickly melted away. Soon he had her by the hair, trying to direct her while moaning her name in ecstasy. He abruptly pulled her away, demanding to know where the nearest bed was. They made it there eventually.

One of the most fantastic afternoons of Kathryn's life followed. They only left the bed to retrieve a new bottle of wine from the small replicator or to let Molly out of the cabin. It was as if they were making love for the first time, even though they had already been lovers for a month. Her restored memories made all the difference.

"I wanted to do this with you that night on the holodeck, Chakotay. I saw you begging me not to die. I saw how much you loved me. I couldn't tell you then, but I loved you. I love you, I love you, I love you!"

She was riding him and her words drove him crazy. He clutched her hips hard enough to bruise and slammed himself up into her powerfully until they were both screaming. It wasn't long until he had her on her hands and knees, slamming into her and stroking her with one hand while he told her in graphic detail of his many fantasies involving the bridge railing or the back of Tom's chair.

"You leaned over like that deliberately, didn't you? My little tease."

He bit her throat and she cried out.

"Make that noise again."

He bit her again and she mewled once more. She was covered in little bite marks by the time he carried her to the shower. He had been desperate and forceful, but now he was loving and tender as he washed her, then dried her off. He carefully combed out her hair and dried it, then carried her back to bed. She went to sleep with Chakotay gently brushing her hair and telling her how much he loved her. She had never felt more safe.

Kathryn was pacing in the brig. She had never felt so powerless or angry in her life, not even when she and Admiral Paris had been captured by the Cardassians. The Cardassians were enemies and it was expected that they would torture their prisoners, but this betrayal by Chakotay was completely unexpected and it rankled. His face was blank when he entered the brig and his tone was flat when he ordered the force field in front of her cell dropped.

"Chakotay, just what do you hope to accomplish? The Maquis are gone and we're 30,000 light years from the Alpha Quadrant. This doesn't make any sense."

Her pleading fell on deaf ears. Chakotay stood before her, unmoving, his eyes flicking over her as if he had never seen her before in his life. Braxton peered at her over Chakotay's shoulder.

"Restrain her," he said coolly.

Chakotay's reaction was instantaneous. He kicked at her knees and when she fell, he was immediately on her, pulling her arms behind her back, kicking her brutally in the stomach when she managed to land a good punch. In a moment, the restraints were on her wrists and ankles and Chakotay had lifted her and placed her on the cell's small bed. He stepped back and looked to Braxton who was now smiling.

"Good. It's time."

Chakotay nodded and left the cell, returning in a moment with Seven of Nine. She was in her blue biosuit with her hair perfectly styled into a French twist and Kathryn was immediately relieved. Together, she and Seven would be unstoppable. They would be able to escape from the brig and retake the ship, but when Kathryn tried to catch her eye, she saw only the same blankness that was in Chakotay's gaze.

"Resistance is futile. Your technological and biological distinctiveness will be added to our own."

Seven stepped forward and grabbed Kathryn's head, titling it to expose her neck, and raised her other hand, the injection tubules already protruding. Kathryn panicked and kicked as hard as she could, catching Seven in the stomach. Seven's grip weakened and Kathryn used her feet to push herself away from her. Chakotay moved forward and grabbed Kathryn by the hair, pinning her roughly against his chest and exposing her throat. He was too strong for her to escape and this time, Seven successfully plunged her tubules into Kathryn. She screamed at the immediate and burning agony. The nanoprobes were already racing their way through her bloodstream and changing her, but her mind remained her own. She was still aware as Seven began sawing her arm off to ready her for a cybernetic implant and Kathryn screamed again and again, but Chakotay only watched impassively as he held her tightly in his arms.

Her throat was aching and Kathryn screamed once more, even as she realized she was waking from a terrible nightmare. Chakotay was restraining her, saying her name, and she screamed again, pounding at his strong arms. Molly was barking and growling, adding to the confusion, but Kathryn managed to free an arm. Her hand immediately went underneath her pillow and she retrieved the phaser she had hidden under there earlier. She couldn't get a good aim at Chakotay since he was almost completely on top of her, so Kathryn shot the phaser at the ceiling, hoping to startle him enough to break free of him. The brief phaser fire illuminated the high ceiling and restored some of Kathryn's equilibrium. She was in the Lake George cabin. With Chakotay.

"What the hell, Kathryn? That was set to kill!"

He bore down on Kathryn's wrist until she yelped and had no choice but to release the phaser. She felt Chakotay grab the weapon. He rolled further onto her so that he was completely pinning her with his body, leaving both of his hands free to disable the phaser. He dropped it on the nightstand, but didn't move to free her.

"Computer, lights. Do you have any other weapons?" Kathryn blinked at him, her heart dropping at his angry face. "Answer me! Where are your other weapons?"

"There's a knife under the bed."

He scooted toward the edge of the bed, still pinning her, and retrieved the knife, tossing it next to the phaser.

"Anything else? Tell me!"

"No, nothing," she whispered, closing her eyes. She couldn't bear to see the fury etched on his face. He moved off of her and Kathryn curled up.

"Kathryn, do you know where you are?" His voice was gentle now and he was stroking her hair, but she couldn't bring herself to look at him. "Sweetheart, open your eyes. Look at me. It's all right. You're safe. Did you think Braxton was here? Please talk to me, you're scaring me."

Kathryn sighed and opened her eyes, but didn't uncurl herself. "I'm sorry. I thought I would be all right now. I never would have stayed the night with you if I had thought I would do this again."

"Again? You've shot your phaser without meaning to before?"

Kathryn winced. She hadn't meant to give herself away like that.

"Kathryn, you have to tell me. I need to know so that I can help you."

"Yes, last night. I'm not fit for duty anymore. That was why..." She let her voice trail off, feeling utterly wretched.

"That was why you resigned. But if you shot your phaser in officer's quarters it should have set off alarms—oh, that was what Lieutenant Lopez wanted to see me about, wasn't it? She came to see me this morning, but before she could talk to me Admiral Paris commed me about your resignation. I didn't get a chance to finish talking to her."

"I suppose so. A security team showed up in my quarters a few minutes after I fired my phaser. I told them it was just a silly accident and ordered them not to report it and to get the hell out of my bedroom."

"Was it set to kill then too?"

"Yes."

Chakotay was silent for a moment, running a hand through his hair.

"You know the security sensors can detect phaser levels. They would have known your phaser was set to kill. That requires an automatic investigation."

"I know that."

"You were just going to run away rather than admit that you need help?"

Chakotay got out of the bed and stood with his back to her. He was completely nude and unashamed while Kathryn, covered by a sheet, felt dirty and ashamed.

"It wasn't just the phaser. It was everything."

Chakotay turned back to her.

"Come on. Get out of bed. You were right the other day when you said I wasn't there for you when you needed me. But the reason I wasn't there for you was because you pushed me away. That's over now, do you understand? You're never pushing me away again. I'm always going to be here helping you."

Chakotay frowned down at himself.

"We didn't bring any clothes with us. I'll go replicate us some robes."

He started to leave, paused, scooped up the weapons from the nightstand, and left, returning a moment later with two robes. He helped Kathryn pull hers on, then led her into the combination dining and living space.

"I'm going to start with the weapons and you're going to answer honestly. I can only help you if I have all of the information. And don't forget, I can read you like a book. I know when you're lying. Were you armed today at you mother's?"

"Yes. The knife was in my waistband and the phaser was in an ankle holster."

"The phaser was set to kill? Even when you were holding the baby and kissing your mother?"

"Yes."

Kathryn clutched the sleeves of her robe tightly.

"Have you been carrying your weapons even at Headquarters?"

"Yes, everywhere."

"You weren't armed when I took your clothes off."

"I hid the weapons while you were looking around the cabin."

"Why?"

"I didn't want you to know I had them. I didn't want to explain."

"You're going to explain right now. Exactly what has you so scared?"

Kathryn laughed, a bitter laugh, and it chilled her. It was the Admiral's laugh.

"What do you think, Chakotay? Braxton! Twice now he's managed to get to me, when I should have been perfectly safe. It doesn't matter that he's dead, he's a time traveler, there could be ways that he could come back for me. I'm not letting him get to me again! I'm not letting him hurt me or take my memories again. Do you have any idea how horrible it is to all of a sudden have all of your memories just gone? To have to rely on the word of strangers? I was going to disappear somewhere where he would never be able to track me down, somewhere where I could just rest. I got my ship home, I kept my promise. There wasn't anything else left for me here."

Chakotay looked suddenly weary and terribly sad.

"I knew how much you were struggling and I didn't do anything about it because of my damn pride. I'm so sorry." He shook his head. "Braxton's dead and there's no way he'll be after you again. If he had beamed away again, then you would have reason to be afraid, but because he died there with you, we know that he won't be coming after you again. Do you understand that?"

"Of course I do. I keep telling myself that, but it's another thing to believe it."

"Okay, I understand that. Have you been having nightmares every night?"

"Yes."

She could feel her lips quivering and hated herself for showing such weakness in front of Chakotay.

"Tell me about them."

"No."

Chakotay sighed and folded his arms.

"Tell me so that I can help you. I love you, sweetheart. Tell me," he coaxed.

She didn't want to tell him, but something Q had insinuated about Braxton suddenly popped into her mind. He hadn't asked his friends and crew for help. Kathryn was in deep trouble right now. Shooting a phaser set to kill without even thinking about it—it was only a matter of time before she killed someone. She desperately needed help. Slowly, haltingly, she described the nightmare, how he had done Braxton's bidding and held her down while Seven assimilated her, and watched Chakotay's face fall. He was quiet for a long time, but then he spoke gently, cutting the thick tension between them.

"Kathryn, I'm so sorry for not realizing exactly what you've been going through. It's as if you've just come home from the Delta Quadrant. I think everyone, including me, has been assuming that because you remember the past six months, you've come to terms with what happened out in the Delta Quadrant and with being home and with Braxton's attacks, but we're wrong, aren't we?"

Kathryn blinked, stunned.

"I think—yes, it's driving me crazy, I remember everything. I remember everything so clearly and sharply, as if it just happened. But I compare it to the way I felt without my memories. The past six months were hard, but I was free of the guilt of what I had done. I learned everything that I had done, but I didn't have the context. I didn't have the guilt. On Voyager, it was always there. It affected everything, how I interacted with all of you. But I was free of it for six months. I could just be free to enjoy getting to know all of you. But then, the other day at Medical, it all came crashing back. And now because of what Q did, I remember more."

"Tell me about that. You saw him today, didn't you?"

"Yes, he found me at the park. He was harassing me at first, comparing me to Braxton and Ransom and telling me that he wanted to see what I would do when I finally fell apart. Then he told me he was going to give me a welcome home present. He made me relive the ten years the Admiral lived between bringing Voyager back home and then going back in time to reset the timeline."

"Spirits, Kathryn, no wonder you were so dazed when I found you."

"She—when she was dying with the Borg Queen, she had so much hope again. She'd lost it all. She'd lost everything. All she could think of were her failures, how much she'd let everyone down. She was so lonely and she hated herself so much, but at the end, she was hopeful again. She hoped that with getting us home early, we could all be happy, that I could be happy."

"You deserve to be happy, Kathryn."

Kathryn shrugged and looked around the room. Molly was sprawled out in front of the fireplace and snoring.

"I don't think I can be. When I saw you this afternoon after you found me and when we went to see my family, I was happy again. The Admiral lost all of you, she missed you so much, especially you, Chakotay, and I felt so blessed to have a second chance with you. I was so happy with you today, but I still had that terrible nightmare tonight. There's something wrong with me. I can't be happy."

"You're wrong. The woman I got to know over the past six months—the one free of guilt—she is still you. You actively built a new life for yourself, you saw what you wanted and you went after it, you let people help you, you were even willing to open yourself up to love again."

"Yes, I was happy when I didn't have my memories. But now?"

She shook her head and looked at him bleakly. Chakotay immediately pulled Kathryn into his arms and she nestled there, whispering his name. He kissed the top of her head tenderly. After a moment, he spoke, still holding her in his arms.

"I know you probably don't want to, but you need to go to Starfleet Medical. They helped me and they'll be able to help you. Will you let me take you?"

Kathryn sighed. Her first impulse was to back away and rebuff him, but the memory of the Admiral's empty life was too strong. She nodded. Without letting her out of his sight, Chakotay contacted the Doctor and ordered him to prepare for their arrival. They both dressed and Kathryn leashed Molly. Chakotay had arranged for a direct transport and they materialized in a private room where the Doctor and a nurse were waiting. At Kathryn's nod, the Doctor began his examination.

"I don't understand," he exclaimed. "Your brain chemistry is entirely wrong. It wasn't like this the last time I examined you."

"When was that?" Chakotay asked.

"The day her memory was restored." He turned back to Kathryn. "Captain Janeway, your neural patterns are now very similar to what they were on Voyager. To put it simply, you're depressed. You were depressed on Voyager, but since you were functional and fulfilling your duties and refusing any interventions, I couldn't order treatment. However, you were doing very well once you adjusted to your memory loss, but now the depression has returned. It has been restored along with your memories. I should have been aware of this possibility and taken steps to help you."

The Doctor closed his tricorder, looking quite shaken.

"Tell me what you've been experiencing."

Kathryn shook her head. After a moment, Chakotay described the nightmares and the weapons and the Doctor looked even more stricken.

"We're going to help you, Captain."

Kathryn could only nod as she held Chakotay's hand tightly.


	31. Chapter 31

Kathryn chose to return to the Lake George cabin after her release from Starfleet Medical. She needed the peace and solitude. Chakotay spent the nights with her, but returned to the Academy every morning and she had frequent visits from her mother and sister. Molly was her constant companion and Kathryn spent hours walking with her and exploring the nearby woods. She still harbored the fear that Braxton might somehow return to attack her again, but Chakotay presented her with a small device he had asked B'Elanna to build.

"It'll warn you if there's a sudden influx of chroniton particles. They were there both times Braxton showed up. I thought it might make you feel a little safer to have a monitor like this."

Kathryn clutched the device in her hand and hugged Chakotay tightly, overwhelmed by his thoughtfulness. Every three days she returned to Starfleet Medical for her therapy sessions and to have the Doctor evaluate the effectiveness of the hyposprays he had prescribed. She was still having nightmares, but Deanna Troi had explained their purpose to her.

"What Captain Braxton did to you caused a physical trauma to your brain. A side effect is the vividness of your restored memories and the emotions that you experienced for each of those events. Your subconscious is attempting to help you incorporate those experiences and emotions through your dreams. I know how difficult these nightmares are, but they are important. Over time, they will fade. Talking about your dreams will hurry the process along. It's important that you acknowledge and share your emotions rather than repress or internalize them. I believe that part of the reason the emotions related to your restored memories are so overwhelming is because you never dealt with them. You don't have a choice now. You must acknowledge them."

Kathryn had rubbed the side of her neck irritably. "Of course I internalized my emotions. What was I supposed to do, burst into tears every time an unknown ship attacked us? My job was to keep my crew safe, not to indulge in self-reflection."

"I'm not criticizing you, Captain Janeway. I am merely stating the facts. Quite honestly, I think you did the best you could, but at the expense of your mental health. You have the opportunity now to truly heal yourself if you are willing to break the habits you formed in the Delta Quadrant. It will be difficult, but you're not the type of person to back away from a challenge."

No, she didn't back away from challenges, but it was very hard to break the habits she had built over the past seven years. Her reticence about her emotions was very ingrained and while Deanna Troi was able to get her to talk, she didn't know how to open up to Chakotay. Q had shown her what it had been like to lose him and she wasn't going to allow that to happen a second time. Still, she didn't know how to change. It was easy to make love with Chakotay and fall asleep in his arms, but much too difficult to tell him about the things she pondered as she walked with Molly every day.

He brought the subject up himself soon after her release from Starfleet Medical. It was late and they were sitting in front of the fireplace, Kathryn curled into Chakotay's arms with Molly lying down against her leg. He was softly stroking her hair and he quietly spoke.

"Kathryn, we need to talk about us." She stiffened, but he wouldn't release her from his arms, instead pausing to kiss her temple before continuing. "I love you and you love me. I want to spend the rest of my life with you." He paused and took a deep breath. "I want to marry you and have a family with you."

Kathryn's heart actually fluttered and she pressed further into his chest, inhaling his scent.

"That's what I want, too, when I'm done with my therapy and I'm ready."

"Good." His smile took her breath away and he tenderly kissed her temple again. "But we can't. Not until we can be open and honest with each other. I know you're holding back on me and I know you're trying, but this isn't the way a relationship should be. I enjoy making love with you very much, but that can't be the only basis for our relationship."

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about everything, Kathryn. We've been through so much together, but we haven't talked about any of it at all, about the seven years we shared together. You didn't have your memories, so we couldn't talk. I was the only one who knew all of our history together. Then your memories were restored, but we still haven't talked about anything of true importance. I know you talk to Deanna, but you don't talk to me. I don't understand it. You were very open with me before you regained your memories. You told me about everything—how you felt about losing Voyager, how angry you were with the admiralty because they wouldn't listen to you, how it felt to get to know the crew again. You were very open about your feelings for me." Chakotay tugged an earlobe and smiled wistfully. "But now, you're closed off. Do you even know why this has happened?"

Kathryn pulled away from Chakotay and hugged her knees to her chest.

"I don't want to end up like the Admiral, but it's so hard." She stared into the fire, letting herself be distracted by the flames. "I think it's because I can't forget that you're Chakotay."

She glanced over her shoulder and saw that Chakotay was watching her intently. He nodded at her encouragingly and she laid her chin on her knees and began speaking while the flames danced before her.

"Chakotay, I felt something when you first beamed on my bridge, right from the first moment I laid eyes on you. I had studied everything Starfleet had on you and I had interviewed your former captain. I thought I knew you better than your own mother had known you. But when I stood in front of you..." She shook her head.

"I felt the same thing, Kathryn."

"You backed me up when I destroyed the array. You agreed to be my first officer, but you weren't afraid to challenge me. You were a fierce fighter—an angry warrior, but you were also spiritual and willing to teach me about your beliefs. And you're so handsome. You have very nice lips. Have I ever told you that?"

Chakotay laughed.

"I don't think so, but I've certainly caught you staring at my mouth a lot."

"I enjoyed getting to know you. It was delightful to spend time together, to talk about anything at all with you. I started comparing you to Mark. It wasn't fair of me, but I did it anyway. He never understood my need to go into space even though he accepted it and was supportive. You understood because you were the same."

"I loved watching you when you were in the middle of a new discovery or a First Contact or when you were solving an incomprehensible problem with B'Elanna or Seven. You always lit up."

"You understood me. And I could tell you were interested in me."

"I don't think I hid it very well."

"No, but I was engaged. It was wrong of me to think that way about another man. I was convinced we would get home soon and I told myself it was just lust. You're very handsome."

Kathryn was still staring at the fire with her chin on her knees. Chakotay's arms wrapped around her and he kissed the top of her head. She leaned back against him.

"And you're beautiful. And regal. I loved watching the way you commanded Voyager. You owned that ship. There was no doubt about it. You were so sexy when you were in command."

"Sexy?"

Kathryn laughed and Chakotay tilted his head to bite her neck. She gasped.

"Mmm, I love it when you make that sound. Yes, sexy. You're still sexy now, but I will never forget how sexy you are when you're swaggering across the bridge." He began nibbling and licking her throat and Kathryn squirmed against him. Slowly, he stopped with a deep sigh. "Sorry I distracted you. Keep talking."

"Okay. Well, New Earth happened. You know, I was appalled when the Doctor told me about New Earth. I couldn't believe I had sent Voyager off without her captain and first officer."

"Yeah, I had to answer a lot of questions about that during the debriefings. None of the admirals were impressed with both of us choosing to go on a mission together and almost leaving Voyager without her command team. They were just as thrilled about that shuttle crash we were in a few months later."

"New Earth was special. I didn't let myself think about it very much when we returned to Voyager. It hurt to think about it later on. You were so good to me. I knew how you felt about me. You loved me. You told me that beautiful story and you made me cry and you were so patient with me. I started to think that it was time to let go of Mark, but I also felt guilty about that. I know what it's like to lose a fiance and I knew the kind of pain Mark must be going through. How could I let myself fall in love with another man when Mark was in mourning for me? It was wrong, but I decided that with time, it would be all right. Mark would understand and I felt certain he would like you. I finally admitted to myself that I loved you, but then we were rescued."

"You fell in love with me on New Earth?" Chakotay whispered.

"You didn't know?"

She felt Chakotay shake his head and turned to look up at him. He was gazing down at her with wonder.

"I didn't think you felt that way about me, not when we were on Voyager."

"But I told you the other day that I was in love with you when I took you to Lake George on the holodeck."

Chakotay ducked his head.

"We were in the middle of sex. Sometimes people say things they don't mean."

"You think I would lie about that?"

"Not lie, just embellish facts."

"I wouldn't." Kathryn was appalled and she looked down at her hands miserably. "I fell in love with you, but it was wrong. Maybe not on New Earth, but back on Voyager it was wrong. There was a chance once more that I would get back to Mark. You were my first officer and my prisoner. It couldn't work. I couldn't have feelings like that for you, not in our situation. It was so inappropriate. I told myself I didn't feel that way about you, but I couldn't help but enjoy the way you looked at me on the bridge sometimes. I could see in your eyes how you felt about me and I enjoyed it. It made me feel alive, but then I would become ashamed of myself for being so weak."

"You would pull away from me at those times," Chakotay said.

"Yes. And it just got harder as time went on. We argued so much, we lost people, there was no end in sight. Eventually, you stopped being there for me. I still needed you, but I didn't want to need you. And then you took my ship and you ordered Tuvok to kill me. I knew you weren't really to blame, but it hurt just the same. I couldn't tell you how much it hurt. It would mean admitting how much I cared about you. I didn't know how to tell you how much you had hurt me when you mutinied. You're Chakotay, my first officer, I can't tell you things like that."

"That's why you can't open up to me. You've twisted your feelings into so many knots you can't make any sense of them. You're a mess, Kathryn, and Braxton can't be blamed for all of this." He ignored her glare and continued. "Do you still care for Mark or feel guilty that you're with me instead of him?"

"No, I haven't felt that way in years! I told him the other day about how I fell in love with you. He understood."

"Good. Do you still feel it's wrong to have feelings for me? We still haven't really told anyone that we're in a relationship."

"No. My mother and sister know and so do the Doctor and Counselor Troi. We can tell others, I just haven't been around anyone else lately."

"Okay, good. It sounds like we don't have any barriers between us anymore except for this inability to move on from the patterns leftover from our command relationship. We're changing that and I'm going to start by opening up to you. I'm going to tell you what it was like for me after Braxton took your memories."

Chakotay stared into the fire and began to talk.


	32. Chapter 32

Chakotay plunged into his story without any coaxing from Kathryn. He held her against him and his hand automatically stroked her hair as he poured out his tale.

"Do you remember that time on Voyager, not long before we got home, when I burned out the deflector dish?"

Kathryn nodded.

"Of course. You wouldn't tell my why you had done it no matter how hard I tried to wheedle it out of you."

"I think I can tell you now. We encountered a temporal rift that shattered the ship into thirty-seven different time frames ranging from before you entered the Badlands to seventeen years into the future."

"Really?" Kathryn sat up, instantly captivated by this news. "How was that possible? How did-"

Chakotay laughed and leaned forward to silence her with a kiss.

"I promise I'll give you all the details another time. It's a great story and you're going to love it. The point is that I needed your help to save the ship, except the version of you that I found hadn't entered the Badlands yet or met me. You were just a tiny bit skeptical of everything I had to say."

He held up his thumb and forefinger together with only a very small space between them and continued.

"But I convinced you and we teamed up to save the ship. You know what? It was fun. I hadn't had that much fun with you in a long time. It was hard, too. When you realized all of the terrible things in store for us, you decided to change the timeline so that Voyager would never be lost in the Delta Quadrant. I managed to convince you that the good would outweigh the bad."

"Hmm, I always seem to come up with the idea to change the timeline, don't I?"

"Harry and I thought of it first, though. Well, when we realized exactly what Braxton had done to you-that your memories ended before you reached the Badlands—I guess I expected it to be the way it had been during that incident. I would be able to gain your trust and in only a few days the Doctor would fix everything. I was such a fool. I didn't realize how hard it would be, either for you or for me."

He paused to gather his thoughts and then took a breath to steady himself before speaking again.

"You have to understand my mindset at the time. I had finally made myself give up on you after Quarra. I saw how happy Jaffen made you and how it broke your heart to leave him behind, but I saw how you did it without a second thought. I knew then that you were never going to let yourself love anyone no matter how much it hurt you, not as long as we were out there. The spark that made you so special was being extinguished and I couldn't do anything about it. I couldn't be around you anymore. I needed to accept that it was never going to happen between us. When Seven asked me out a few months later, it seemed like the perfect opportunity to truly put you behind me. But then we got home and Braxton took your memories. You were so full of spunk when you woke up in sickbay and I told you everything that had happened. You were confused, but I could almost see the wheels turning in your head. You wanted to throw me out of the nearest airlock and then retake your ship."

"Oh, I think that's a slight exaggeration. I wanted to throw you in the brig."

"Brig, then." Chakotay grinned, but then he sobered, lowering his head so that she couldn't see his face as he continued to talk.

"You were the Kathryn I had met seven years ago. You were full of fire again and I thought everything would be all right, but then reality hit. It wasn't fun. It wasn't us together saving the ship. It was you being heartbroken over Mark and not being able to savor getting the ship home. It was you not knowing any of us. You had been devoted to us and now you didn't even know us. That was devastating for all of us, Kathryn, especially me."

"It was devastating for me too, but I did my best to form new relationships with all of you, especially you."

"That was part of the problem for me. You were so different, so open. You liked spending time with me. You liked me."

"Chakotay, I've always liked you!"

"Not like that. For once you were free of your duty and guilt. Every interaction with any of us on Voyager was always affected by your duty, wasn't it? You could never for one minute forget you were responsible for us."

"You're right about that. Duty came first and I always had to watch myself. My dad used to say, 'As the captain goes, so goes the ship.' It was true. I could never let my doubts show. I had to present myself as confident and unflappable, no matter what."

"Well, you were different without your memories. You were attracted to me and it just about killed me. To have you actually express an interest in me was a dream come true, but it wasn't really you. I thought it wasn't what you would really want, not once you remembered me, but in the end, I couldn't resist you. I didn't think it would last once you were yourself again, but I couldn't help taking whatever you offered. Oh, Kathryn, when Braxton took your memories a second time—when I saw what he'd done to you..."

Chakotay squeezed her tightly to his chest, murmuring endearments to her. He let her go after a long moment and Kathryn regarded him sadly.

"I've hurt you a great deal over the years, haven't I? If it's any consolation, I've hurt myself just as much. I still don't see how I could have done things differently with you on Voyager, but I want you to know I loved you then and I love you now. You're a part of me and you always will be. The Admiral loved you until the day she died and I will too."

They kissed tenderly and then Kathryn took a deep breath. He had opened up to her and she needed to reciprocate if she wanted their relationship to be built on solid ground. She slowly began telling Chakotay about her counseling sessions with Counselor Troi.

"She gives me homework assignments. I have to tell her how I would change my decisions if I could and how it would make things better."

"What would you change?"

Kathryn shook her head ruefully.

"I wouldn't have tortured Noah Lessing, but other than that I wouldn't change anything. When I go back and talk it over with Deanna, I know I made what I thought were the right decisions at the time. You may not have agreed with some of them, but I know I chose to do what I thought was right. I had to destroy the Caretaker's array for the Ocampa's sake. I had to make a deal with the Borg in order to get through their space." Chakotay's expression froze at Kathryn's last statement and she lightly punched his arm. "We would have been killed by Species 8472 eventually if I had followed your plan."

"You don't know that for sure. We could have found another way home or we could have found a planet to colonize."

"You don't know that for sure either."

"True. What I do know for sure is that I'm glad you were the captain. I don't think I could have gotten us home, Kathryn. You led us fearlessly and you managed the impossible. You got us home!"

"I did, didn't I?"

Kathryn laughed a little wildly. Within her twisted regained memories, that moment when she saw Earth on Voyager's viewscreen suddenly overshadowed everything. Braxton had wanted to steal that moment from her, but he had only succeeded temporarily. She relived that moment now, the emotions washing over her.

"I got us home. I did it! I kept my promise. I'm free." She looked at Chakotay wonderingly. "I'm free. For the first time since I ordered Tuvok to destroy the array, I feel free."

"Kathryn!" Chakotay hauled her into his arms. "Are you finally home?"

"I'm home," she whispered against his chest.


	33. Chapter 33

Chakotay beamed to the Academy every morning. He was finding a great deal of fulfillment in working with his cadets and always left with a spring in his step. Kathryn watched him leave one morning and then slowly made her way to the closet to find something to wear. Her clothing and Chakotay's hung together and she slid aside his shirts, but stopped as she came to one of his uniforms. She pulled it out and examined it, running her fingers over the familiar fabric and feeling a sharp pang within her. She missed wearing the uniform. She missed being part of something greater than herself.

Gretchen and Phoebe were quite pleased that Kathryn had resigned, while Chakotay kept his opinions on her career to himself and merely relayed personal messages from Owen Paris. Owen was greatly concerned for her well-being and by the way, Starfleet wanted her back, even if only in a consultative position. She hadn't responded to any of his messages other than to apologize for having resigned on the eve of her promotion party.

Suddenly, Kathryn became impatient with herself. What was she doing hiding away here at Lake George when she was back on Earth with her memories fully restored and finally at peace with herself? The only people she'd seen in weeks were Chakotay, her family, her counselor, and the Doctor. She dressed herself and then headed for the transport station, arbitrarily choosing to go to the Academy. Chakotay was here somewhere and so were Icheb and Tuvok. Tom Paris, Harry Kim and Mike Ayala were also here, having just begun a year of command school training under Chakotay's sponsorship. That thought brought a flash of pain. If it hadn't been for Braxton's interference, Kathryn would have been the person to sponsor them. She settled on a bench near Boothby's gardens and watched the cadets walk by. The new semester had just barely begun and she easily picked out the first year cadets.

"Kathryn Janeway. I wondered if I would ever see you again."

Boothby was coming toward her. Kathryn stood and shook hands with the wizened groundskeeper, memories of the encounter with the Species 8472 impostor quickly coming to her. The twinkle in Boothby's eyes reassured her. It hadn't been present with the impostor. Boothby sat down on the bench, laying his pruning shears across his knees and Kathryn joined him.

"The gardens are as beautiful as ever, although they look different."

"Hmph. The Breen attack did a lot of damage. We lost a lot of good cadets that day too. Terrible. There's a memorial over there." He gestured toward a barely visible sculpture. "They say we're heading into a time of peace now. I don't know about that. Enrollment's down and so's morale. Things just aren't what they used to be."

"You're right about that," Kathryn murmured with a sigh. Boothby regarded her curiously.

"There are all sorts of rumors going around about you, young lady. You've had a hard time since you've been back, haven't you?"

"That's an understatement, but I'm going to be all right. Actually, I am all right."

"Good." He nodded. "I always saw a lot of potential in you. Still do. You can accomplish great things when you make up your mind."

"I guess I can. You know, I tried some gardening a while back."

Kathryn thought about the tomato plants she had grown on New Earth and carefully uprooted and taken back to Voyager. The Kazon had destroyed them when they took the ship and Kathryn hadn't bothered to replant. She had too many other responsibilities.

"Gardening is good for the soul. You should take it up again."

"I have a rose bush cutting in stasis. Maybe I'll start with that."

"I'm glad I came across you today. Come with me. There's something I've been wanting to show you."

Kathryn followed Boothby, trying to ignore the curious glances she received from the cadets and officers they passed. Her civilian clothing and loose hair were making her stand out and she missed her uniform more than ever.

"Right here." Boothby stopped at a garden plot, standing in front of the plaque describing the plants growing there so that Kathryn couldn't read it. He waved his hand at the plants. "Go on. Take a look. They should be familiar."

She walked carefully to avoid stepping on any of the vegetation and then she laughed delightedly.

"This is leola root! And these are Kes' flowers." She gasped and reached out to stroke a green fruit. "Talaxian tomatoes. I had no idea anyone was propagating Delta Quadrant plants."

Boothby was smiling at her.

"The botanists have been having a field day. They've got all of the samples you brought back growing in laboratories and these are some of the plants they've so far cleared as safe to introduce to Earth's environment. Cadet Icheb is quite fond of this spot. He likes to sit on that bench."

She took a close look at the bench and laughed once more. "That's the bench from Voyager!"

"That was Tom Paris' idea. You really worked wonders with that boy. I never could get very far with him."

"He just needed someone to believe in him." She was feeling very lighthearted as she looked at the familiar plants. "This is like having a piece of home, well, here at home."

"That's what most of you Voyagers say when you find this place."

Boothby carefully cut a delicate purple flower from a bush and handed it to her. Kathryn breathed in the scent.

"I used to keep these flowers in vases in my ready room."

"You've always enjoyed fresh flowers."

Kathryn sat on the Voyager bench and Boothby joined her.

"This is just wonderful."

"It's only the beginning. I've got a lot of plans for this place. Well, what's next for you?"

"Me?" Kathryn shook her head. "I'm not entirely sure. I've been taking time for myself, working through everything that's happened to me."

"Not alone, I hope."

"No, not alone." Kathryn smiled. "Chakotay has been with me. He's my rock."

"Captain Chakotay? Is that why he doesn't have time to come spar in the gym these days?"

"I'm afraid so."

"You could come along and watch, you know."

"You know, I just might. Maybe I will tonight."

"Not tonight. It's the Sadie Hawkins dance and I'm a chaperone."

"They still have that dance? I always had a terrible time at it each year. It was hard to work up the courage to ask someone and I always wondered if they only agreed to go with me because they were worried no one else would ask."

It warmed Kathryn's heart to realize that the Sadie Hawkins tradition was still continuing at the Academy, even though it had always been a miserable experience for her. It was nice to know that amidst all of the turmoil and change, something remained the same.

"Oh yes, we still have it every year, like clockwork, and we always have heartbroken or offended cadets to console."

"Do you know if Icheb is going?"

"I'm not sure. The last I heard he hadn't been asked, but you don't have to have a date to go. He might decide to go on his own."

"He wasn't asked? Do you know if he's having trouble fitting in?"

"He seems happy enough to me. You ought to go visit him and find out for yourself, though."

"I will."

She silently vowed to check up on all of her former crew. Now that she was crawling out of her crippling depression, it was time to reconnect with the people she cared about. Chakotay had passed along their well-wishes to her, but she hadn't wanted any further contact while she was feeling so low and out of control.

"Well, I've got to get back to work. It's the day of a dance and there are always some fools who think it's a fine idea to yank my flowers up for a gift. Don't be a stranger anymore, young lady, understood?"

"Understood."

To her surprise, Boothby gruffly pulled her into a quick hug before shuffling down the path. Kathryn tucked her flower behind her ear and went on her way. She was happy to discover that her old dorm building was still there and still functioning as a dorm. She didn't try to go into the building, but stood in front remembering her first day at the Academy. Funny. She had thought those long ago feelings were dead, killed by her experiences in the Delta Quadrant and by Braxton's attacks, but she could feel her intense hunger and curiosity resurfacing once more.

She walked quickly to Chakotay's office, smiling at everyone she passed. She checked the schedule posted by his door and headed to his classroom, slipping quietly into a chair at the back of the room. Chakotay's wide smile lit up his face when he saw her and she quickly came under the scrutiny of the students.

"Welcome to our class, Dr. Janeway. Would you like to make some remarks?"

"No, Captain. Please excuse my interruption and just carry on."

Chakotay nodded and continued his class discussion while Kathryn tried to get over her astonishment at his use of her title rather than her rank. Of course it wouldn't be proper for him to refer to her as captain, not when she was no longer a member of Starfleet, but she was surprised at how much it bothered her. She let Chakotay's voice flow over her while she considered her consternation. She hadn't come to any conclusions by the time the class was over and the students filed out, each one of them examining her closely.

"Hey, this is a surprise. It's nice to see you out and about. I like the look."

Chakotay kissed her forehead and one hand brushed the flower behind her ear.

"I ran into Boothby and he took me to see the Delta Quadrant garden."

"Oh, good. I wanted to tell you about it, but Boothby wanted to surprise you. What did you think?"

"I love it. It's as if we have a part of Neelix and Kes here with us. Listen, I need to go do some things, but I wanted to ask you to do something with me."

"Sure, what is it?"

"Will you go with me to the Sadie Hawkins dance tonight?"

"What?"

Kathryn laughed at his perplexed expression.

"I want to crash the Sadie Hawkins dance with you. Are you with me?"

"Always."

"Good. You can come pick me up at my quarters at, oh, let's say nine. We should show up late."

"All right."

She reached up and kissed his lips and then left, feeling his gaze on her. Tuvok was holding office hours when she stopped by his office. He immediately stood when she entered. Of course, he didn't smile, but he twitched an eyebrow and that was just as good.

"Dr. Janeway, it is very good to see you. Please, have a seat. May I get you something? Some coffee, perhaps?"

"Coffee would be great."

Tuvok retrieved their drinks while Kathryn frowned once more at the use of her title. Funny how it was bothering her not to be called captain. Chakotay had been the only one to ever call her by her first name on Voyager—well, Chakotay and the Michael Sullivan hologram. She had missed hearing her first name and now here she was, missing being called captain.

"You look very well, Dr. Janeway."

"Please, old friend, just call me Kathryn."

"Kathryn, then. I am most pleased to see you. Captain Chakotay has told me of your difficulties. I wanted to visit you, but I understood your need for solitude."

"I appreciate that. I needed some time alone to put myself back together. I wanted to apologize to you Tuvok."

Tuvok tilted his head curiously.

"For what? You have not caused me any offense that I can recall."

"When I didn't have my memories, you tried to tell me how I had changed and that I should be cautious with Chakotay. I was angry with you and avoided you after that. It was childish of me and I'm sorry. You were only looking out for me the way you always have. You were right to warn me."

"Yes, I was, but no offense was taken so no apology is necessary. Am I right in thinking that you and Captain Chakotay have come to an understanding? I know that he has been spending a great deal of time with you. While he has reported on your condition, he has also respected your privacy and I did not believe it was my place to ask for personal information."

"Yes. We're working things out. We—well, we love each other. We're going to get married eventually."

She cautiously watched for his reaction. Tuvok's expression didn't change.

"Sooner rather than later, I hope. You have sacrificed your wants and needs for far too long and it is time that you seek happiness for yourself."

"Our relationship doesn't surprise you?"

"No, I was aware of your attraction to Captain Chakotay from the beginning of our voyage and of the guilt it caused you. I was aware of many things about you, Kathryn, of the many conflicting emotions warring within you as our journey continued, and therefore, it is I who must proffer an apology. You needed someone to confide in and because of your feelings for him, it couldn't always be Chakotay. I should have been more available to you than I was. Perhaps if I had been, you would not have reached such a state of emotional crisis when your memories were restored."

"No, Tuvok, you can't blame yourself for any of it. I would never have confided in you fully, no matter how available you made yourself, not with you or with anyone else on the ship. I never would have been able to expose my weaknesses to any of you like that."

"Perhaps, but it is most unfortunate. Most unfortunate and distressing."

Kathryn looked at him in surprise. There was definitely emotion in Tuvok's voice as he continued.

"You are my friend, Kathryn, and I am pleased that your future counterpart broke the Temporal Prime Directive to bring Voyager home. I know she did it for my sake, but I am most pleased that you now have the freedom to seek personal fulfillment. It is my desire to see you achieve the happiness you deserve."

Kathryn blinked back tears.

"Thank you, Tuvok. That's what I'm trying to do now. Well, tell me about you and T'Pel. Is she enjoying living here in San Francisco?"

"She finds it to be adequate thus far. She has been able to make great strides with her research."

"Good, I'd love to see her again."

"You may see her tonight. You are welcome to share the evening meal with us at our home tonight."

"I already have plans, but you and T'Pel could join us. Chakotay and I are going to crash the Sadie Hawkins dance tonight. You and T'Pel could come with us."

Tuvok's eyebrow shot up high enough to meet McKinley Station.

"I have always found that dance to be the cause of much unpleasantness and needless distraction."

"It'll be different going with your wife. We'll have a lot of fun."

"Our definitions of fun are quite different, Kathryn, but we will join you."

"Great! Meet us at my quarters tonight."

Her next stop was her former office where she had been in charge of a task force perfecting the slipstream drive Voyager had brought back. She hadn't been here since the day she left for Voyager's test run and her arrival caused quite a stir. Her coworkers were happy to see her, especially B'Elanna. They couldn't go into detail about their progress since she was not a Starfleet officer, but Kathryn was given the general impression that things were going quite well. She hadn't worked in this office for very long, but it had been a satisfying experience to help produce something of immeasurable worth for Starfleet. B'Elanna pulled Kathryn into her office and handed her a coffee cup.

"It's great to see you, Captain. We've been so worried about you."

Now Kathryn was dismayed to hear herself being called captain by B'Elanna. She was beginning to wonder about her sanity.

"Call me Kathryn. I'm not your captain anymore."

"You'll always be my captain, but I'll try. How are you doing? All we know is that you resigned. I still can't believe you did that. Chakotay won't tell us anything, but he's been going to see you, hasn't he? He's not staying at his quarters anymore."

"I'm doing fine now. I had some issues to deal with that were leftover from Voyager. As for Chakotay, yes, he comes and stays with me. He's been a big help."

B'Elanna smiled.

"That's great, Cap—Kathryn. All of us have really missed you. You should come to dinner at our house tonight. Tom would love to see you. He just started command school."

"I know, Chakotay told me. I'm so proud. I just wish I could have been the one to sponsor him." Kathryn blinked and looked down at her coffee cup and then remembered how both Chakotay and Deanna had been encouraging her to express her feelings. She made eye contact with B'Elanna again. "Sometimes I get angry about the things I've missed because of what Braxton did to me. I always hoped that if I lived to get Voyager back home, I would play a very active role in helping everyone adjust to life here. Instead, I've been the neediest one of us all, but I'm very glad you've done just fine without me."

"We all get angry at Braxton, but you've been right there with us almost the entire time we've been back. You've shown us what it means to be brave. I don't think I could have taken everything in stride the way you did if I had been in your position."

"Well, I haven't taken it in stride, not really. I didn't have a choice while my memories were gone, I was just doing my best, but once I remembered..."

"You can talk to me, Kathryn. I won't tell anyone, not even Tom."

Kathryn nodded at B'Elanna gratefully.

"I had problems on Voyager. I was—well, I was maybe a little depressed."

B'Elanna quickly looked down at her coffee cup, then seemed to make a decision as she met Kathryn's gaze.

"You were a lot depressed. We could see it."

"What? What do you mean?"

"The senior staff. We could see it. You weren't happy anymore. You used to love it out there, even though you wanted to get us home more than anything. You loved finding new anomalies to explore or making first contact with a friendly species or teaching us a Starfleet principle. You just enjoyed life, but then you didn't anymore. It was—well, it was sad. I'm sorry. I wish I had done something to make it better for you, but at the time I didn't think I could. You were the captain and besides, half the time I was a mess myself. Tom always tried, though. He was always trying to think up things that would make you smile."

Kathryn set her coffee cup down on B'Elanna's desk. "I have to admit I'm a little taken aback. No, I'm embarrassed. You shouldn't have had to worry about your captain's state of mind."

"Of course we did. We were all we had and we all cared about each other. We still do. Now, go on. Keep talking to me."

Kathryn's mouth quirked at B'Elanna's bossy tone and she obeyed.

"Well, I was depressed on Voyager, but Braxton took my memories, so I wasn't depressed anymore. I had a lot of problems that I should have spoken to a counselor about, but I couldn't because I didn't remember them. But everything came crashing back when my memories were recovered. It's been rough. That's why I resigned. I didn't feel I was fit for duty."

"You seem a lot better now, calmer, less stressed."

"At peace."

"Yes, that's it. You're peaceful now. What are you going to do now?"

"I'm not sure, but I'm thinking about it."

"Well, will you come to dinner tonight? Chakotay too, if you want. We can invite Harry too. I don't know if you heard, but he broke up with Jenny and now he's seeing someone else in command school."

"Oh, Harry." Kathryn laughed. "No, I won't go to dinner at your house tonight. I have plans, but you and Tom could join us if you can find a babysitter. Chakotay and I are going to crash the Sadie Hawkins dance. Tuvok and T'Pel are coming too."

B'Elanna wrinkled her nose.

"They're still doing that horrible dance? I hated it when I was a cadet. Why would you want to go again?"

"I've never been to a dance with Chakotay. I thought it would be fun to get dressed up and go."

"I'm sure Tom will want to go. All right, we'll go with you."

"Good, and let Harry know too. I'd like to meet his new friend."

Kathryn's next stop was at the Headquarters cafeteria, which was a little ironic. She still remembered quite clearly the encounter with Seven in this very room just a few days after Braxton's first attack. Seven was different now, Kathryn realized as she sat across from her at her table, setting her tray down. Seven was wearing civilian clothing very similar to a Starfleet uniform, although her hair was still severely styled. Her emotions were quite close to the surface, more so than Kathryn had ever seen before. She beamed when she saw Kathryn, but then looked away apprehensively before clearing her face of all emotion.

"Captain Janeway, how are you? You appear well."

"Thank you, Seven. I am doing very well, but you should call me Kathryn. I'm not a captain anymore."

"Kathryn." Seven looked a little distressed at having to say her name. "Kathryn, it is a surprise to see you here. Chakotay would not tell me why you resigned from Starfleet and he would not tell me where you were."

"I needed some time alone." She was going to leave it at that, but apparently her depression hadn't been the secret she had believed it to be and there was no reason to be coy. "I've been struggling with depression. I was depressed on Voyager and when my memories were restored, so was my depression. I'm doing much better now, though."

"Depression?" Seven cocked her head curiously and Kathryn sighed inwardly. Maybe Seven was the only one who hadn't realized.

"Yes, depression. The Delta Quadrant took its toll on me. I felt a great deal of guilt and responsibility for having stranded Voyager out there and for all of the suffering the crew went through because of my decisions. I've had to come to peace with the pain I've caused, although it's always going to be part of me."

"I see. It is the same with me and my past. I have caused much more harm and pain than you ever have, but I have learned to do what good I can in order to counteract my past. You taught me that on Voyager."

Seven calmly took a bite of her steak and Kathryn sat there watching her, stunned. She and Seven had much more in common than she had ever realized. Kathryn considered her next step. She could take the easy path and have a nice chat with Seven or she could be honest and get rid of any lingering barriers in her friendship with Seven.

"You know, Seven, I felt very betrayed when I regained my memories. I was angry with you for pursuing a relationship with Chakotay. I felt betrayed by both of you and I was angry with him, too. It wasn't fair of me since you were both free to do whatever you wanted, but still, that was how I felt, petty as it was. That's why I avoided you."

Seven set her fork down and looked at Kathryn sadly.

"I wondered why you had withdrawn from me. We had become friends, true friends, more than we had ever been on Voyager. But once you were yourself again, you were no longer my friend. I thought you no longer wanted to associate with me now that you remembered me and were no longer my captain. I know I required a great deal of your time on Voyager and I thought you were glad to be free of me."

"Oh, Seven, not at all. I'm so sorry. Yes, it's true you gave me a lot of sleepless nights, but I would never want to be free of you. I've always seen so much potential in you, right from the start, when we were on the Borg cube. You're a remarkable young woman and I'm very glad I don't have to be your captain anymore. Now we can just be friends."

Seven smiled and visibly relaxed.

"I'm glad, too. I'm sorry that my relationship with Chakotay caused you distress. I never meant to-"

"Please, Seven, don't apologize. As I already said, you and Chakotay were free to do whatever you wanted. You did nothing wrong."

"But I did. Admiral Janeway told me I would hurt Chakotay when she was trying to convince me to go along with her plan. What she didn't say is that I would also hurt her—you. It was never my intention."

"I know that, Seven. You were just living your life, doing what felt right."

"Perhaps, but I am glad Admiral Janeway was able to help bring us home early. I mean no offense to Chakotay, Cap—Kathryn, but I am relieved that my relationship with him ended quickly. I have begun to understand more about the nature of romantic feelings and I believe what I felt for him was infatuation and lust. While he is an attractive and kind man, I still find many of his beliefs and interests perplexing and unimportant and I believe he feels the same way about me. It is good that you find him interesting, although I don't understand why you do."

Seven frowned and Kathryn hurriedly took a bite of her salad, trying hard not to laugh at Seven's bewildered expression. She mentally filed away the conversation for later repetition to Chakotay in case his ego ever needed to be taken down a notch or two.

"Well, are you and the Doctor dating?"

"We are, but not seriously. We have expanded the parameters of our relationship so that we may also choose to see other people if we so desire. We have both realized that it would behoove us to take advantage of the many opportunities available to us in the Alpha Quadrant before we make any permanent decisions."

Kathryn raised an eyebrow at that. The Doctor had been decidedly grumpy at her last appointment two days earlier. She wondered if these expanded parameters had anything to do with his bad mood.

"Oh, that sounds very sensible. Maybe you and the Doctor would like to join us tonight. A group of us are going to crash the Sadie Hawkins dance at the Academy tonight."

Seven immediately scowled.

"I find the entire idea of that dance distasteful. Icheb was not asked to attend by a female, which has caused his classroom performance to degrade. I told him his time would be better spent studying at the library, but he has rejected my advice. Instead, he plans to attend the dance with several other cadets who have been similarly rejected."

"Good for him. If you come with us, you can check on him."

"I had intended to work late tonight."

"It'll be fun! Chakotay and I are going and Tuvok and T'Pel and Tom and B'Elanna and maybe Harry and his new friend. You need to come too. I'm sure the Doctor will want to come."

"Very well, I will comply. I will notify the Doctor of our date when I am finished with my lunch."

"Good. Now, why don't you tell me about your work. B'Elanna mentioned something about improved sensors that you've been developing."

Seven immediately brightened and began describing her findings.


	34. Chapter 34

They slipped in, pair by pair, breathless with laughter or—in Tuvok's and T'Pel's case—with long-suffering tolerance for the foibles of their human friends. It really wasn't necessary to sneak into the dance. While it was meant for cadets, Kathryn was sure exceptions would have been made for the illustrious Voyager crew in general and herself in particular, but asking permission would have taken from the spontaneity of the night.

Boothby was genuinely happy to see Kathryn, although he suspiciously quizzed Chakotay on the origins of the rosebud corsage pinned to the bodice of her dress. She was receiving quite a few stares from the other faculty members acting as chaperones and impatiently pulled Chakotay into the ballroom. It was just as she remembered. The cadets were all in uniform despite the optional dress code requirements for the evening. She had been the same way, so proud to wear her uniform every moment she could, even if it was only a cadet uniform.

Harry's new romantic interest was someone Kathryn knew, although she couldn't quite place her. Her name was Lieutenant Lauren Beck and she was clearly awestruck by Kathryn.

"It's an honor to meet you, Dr. Janeway. You're the reason I joined command school."

"I am? Have we met before? You look so familiar to me." Kathryn kept staring at her, trying to figure out where she knew her from her. She must have crossed paths with her at some point in the time since Voyager's return.

"No, we never have, but it's very exciting to meet you now. It was so inspiring to read the releases Project Pathfinder sent out to the public every month. You were out there far away from home, but you were still a Starfleet crew, even the Maquis, and you were gathering so much data and making so many first contacts. It was like reading about Captain Kirk and the Enterprise, only it was happening now. I started to rethink my career path and I realized that I wanted to be there in the big chair, making the decisions, standing for something, upholding Starfleet principles. I think destroying the Caretaker's array was incredibly brave of you."

"I see." Lieutenant Beck's earnestness was appealing and reminded Kathryn very much of Harry. She instinctively liked the young woman. "Well, I wish you the best. Being a captain brings great responsibility and requires great sacrifices, but it can be the most rewarding endeavor of your life. It was my privilege and honor to be Voyager's captain. I had the best possible crew anyone could hope for and together we accomplished the impossible. I hope that you may someday have a ship and crew just as dear to your heart as mine are to me."

"Thank you, I hope so too. Harry admires you so much." She smiled sweetly and Kathryn's stomach lurched sickeningly as she realized that she knew Lauren from the future Q had shown her. She had been a captain and her ship had been lost with all hands during an altercation with the Romulans. Kathryn hadn't paid much attention to the incident due to her obsession with finding a way to bring Voyager home early.

"This is just sad." Tom's voice startled Kathryn out of her shocked reverie. Tom was shaking his head at the mostly empty dance floor. A group of cadets huddled around the refreshments tables while more lingered at the sidelines. Only a few brave couples were dancing.

"B'Elanna, I think this calls for the jitterbug."

"The what?"

"Don't worry, I'll teach you. I'll teach all of you. Let me just get the right music playing."

Tom rushed off and was back in a moment, organizing an impromptu dance lesson. Kathryn joined in with Chakotay, attempting to put aside her worries for now. At first, it was just the Voyager crewmembers dancing, but then Icheb ventured to join them with a few of his friends. Soon, the majority of the cadets were on the dance floor and the Doctor and Seven took over with a series of ballroom dances.

"Chakotay, you're good at this!"

"Of course I am. Why do you sound so surprised?"

"I just never stopped to wonder about your dancing skills."

"I always wondered about your skills. All of your skills." Chakotay leered at her and Kathryn laughed, swatting his shoulder. He smiled, peering at her closely. "So, what's wrong? You've been pretty pensive."

Kathryn lowered her voice. "I just realized that I knew Harry's girlfriend in the future Q showed me."

"You look pretty grim. I'm going to assume it's not a good future."

Kathryn inclined her head slightly and then sighed. She couldn't let Q's "gift" weigh her down.

"Let's go get a drink. I'm thirsty."

She led Chakotay to the refreshments table and he poured out punch for both of them. She frowned as she watched the dance floor. She had been told repeatedly, first by the admiralty, then by Chakotay and most recently by Boothby, but seeing the current state of the Academy enrollment was more than a little alarming.

"Chakotay, when I was a cadet the entire first floor of the Archer Building had to be used in order for us all to fit. This is only half the space. Is enrollment really that low?"

"Yes, it is, but if you can believe it, the numbers are better this year than they've been since the end of the war. The projections for next year are still very low. There are actually empty wings in the dormitories. We were all packed in there like sardines when I was a cadet and now they can have their own rooms."

"What's happened? It wasn't like this even just before I took command of Voyager. I guest lectured for a few weeks while Voyager was being finished and the classrooms were full."

Chakotay sighed, his cheery mood slipping away.

"Can't you figure it out for yourself? You were studying the Federation's current status and needs just before we left on the training cruise."

She thought about the countless padds given to her by the admirals eager to have her join their ranks.

"I know there were heavy civilian casualties and massive environmental damage to quite a few Federation worlds. The damage still hasn't been completely repaired."

"Right, that's part of it. There's too much work at home for the survivors. The children don't feel right about leaving and their parents are reluctant to let them go."

"That could be taken care of, though," Kathryn mused, possibilities tumbling through her thoughts. "The resources to repair the war damages already exist. It's just a matter of getting them to where they're needed. I know all of the heavy losses have disrupted the normal relief efforts, but with a little work and a good communications system, the Federation worlds and colonies could get their immediate needs met."

"That might help, but that's only addressing one factor. It's the disillusionment that has done the most damage. They don't want to join Starfleet anymore, no matter what's keeping them at home. I didn't have any second thoughts about leaving my home to come to the Academy because I wanted to learn more about my galaxy. I wanted to get out there and meet and learn about all of the different types of species. I had to be part of Starfleet. I was-"

"Hungry. That's how I was. I had to get out there and see everything I was studying and reading about in school. I wanted to experience it for myself."

"Exactly! But that's not how they see Starfleet these days. They see the military expansion, not the scientific exploration and first contacts. To be fair, the war had to be the priority, but things need to change now. I'm trying to do that with my cadets."

Things weren't going to change, though, not according to the future Kathryn had been forced to live through by Q. There would be increasing skirmishes and hostilities throughout the years, worlds pulling away from the Federation, further disillusionment, few scientific or technological advancements, and deaths-probably of many of the cadets in this very room. Lauren and Harry were dancing nearby and Kathryn sighed. What could she do about any of it? Aside from the ethical considerations of acting on what she knew of the future, she didn't think anyone would be likely to believe her claims. Q was known to be a dangerous trickster and manipulator, and besides, she had no way of proving what he had done to her. It had been an experience he had given her solely for her benefit. Even Chakotay hadn't seen any trace of Q that day and wouldn't be able to back her up.

If Kathryn spoke up about what she knew, she could very well become a Cassandra, knowing the future but doomed to never be believed by anyone. But did she really know the future? Admiral Janeway had corrupted that future by bringing Voyager home early. Braxton had changed things, too. Something had gone wrong with his insane plan to punish her. He hadn't been able to get back to his time and none of his people had come for him. She really couldn't say with any degree of certainty that any of what she had seen would now come to pass.

Tuvok and Seven were going to live long and productive lives and so were the other twenty-two crewmembers who had died in the Admiral's timeline. That fact alone was going to have unforeseen consequences. She and Chakotay were going to marry and have children and presumably, so would many of the crew. Then there were the technological advances that were the results of Voyager's early return. Kathryn had set this into motion with the task force she had been overseeing before she resigned. Starfleet and Voyager engineers were going to have a viable and safe slipstream drive created sooner rather than later and the possibilities of such technology were almost limitless. But there were other technologies Voyager had brought back that Starfleet wasn't able to pursue because resources were stretched so thin. That could be changed though. And of course, if Braxton was to be believed, eventually the Borg were no longer going to be a threat to the Federation, which was why his people had allowed the Admiral to complete her mission. No, she really didn't know what the future held anymore, but she could still influence it. Kathryn's breath caught. She could do so many things. Diplomatic relationships with the Romulans, further technological advances, a return to scientific exploration, reconstruction efforts on the Federation worlds-

"Whatever you're planning, I'm going to be part of it."

Kathryn came out of her reverie to find Chakotay smiling at her while the dance went on in front of them.

"What do you mean?"

"I know that look on your face. You're planning something big and I'm not staying behind to clean the carpets while you go off and get yourself assimilated this time."

"You never did clean the carpets."

Chakotay's smile was looking a little strained. She wondered what in the world he thought she was plotting. Poor man, she really had put him through the wringer over the years. Well, he had done the same to her. He had hurt and bewildered her so much when she hadn't had her memories, but he had also been her support and her friend, just as he had been on Voyager. But now they didn't have Voyager between them anymore or her lack of memories to contend with. They had an entire future to do with as they wished.

"Chakotay, come here."

She pulled him into her arms and kissed him, wanting everyone at the Sadie Hawkins dance to know exactly how she and her former first officer felt about each other. She deepened the kiss and Chakotay went with it, gently biting her lower lip before he finally stopped them.

"You're going to get me in trouble for engaging in a public display of affection," he whispered.

"I'm worth it, though."

Chakotay laughed at that and she glanced at the dance floor. They had definitely attracted the attention of the cadets, Academy staff, and Voyager crewmembers. Tom looked absolutely delighted while Seven was nodding approvingly.

"Tell me what you're planning, Kathryn. Don't leave me in suspense."

"All right. We're going to go dance some more and when the dance is over, we're all going to go drink coffee at the Night Owl Cafe. Tomorrow, I'm going to go talk to Admiral Paris about returning to Starfleet and taking the promotion. Then you and I are going to go to Indiana together to break the news to my mother and sister. They're not going to like it one bit."

"You're returning to Starfleet?"

"Yes." She looked at Chakotay, trying to determine how he felt about it. "I had to walk away from it to realize that I miss it and there is still so much that I can contribute. I have a lot of plans, but we can talk about that later."

Chakotay grinned.

"You really are yourself again!"

"Was there ever any doubt? Come on, let's go."

Hand in hand, they returned to the dance floor and joined their former crew.


	35. Chapter 35

Kathryn woke up slowly, Chakotay curled around her and slightly snoring in her ear. It had been a rough night and she was exhausted, but awareness of the date kept her from trying to get back to sleep. They had made it back to the Alpha Quadrant two years ago today. Everyone had been so excited last year as the first anniversary approached, but it had been difficult for Kathryn as it brought back too many memories of Braxton. It was incongruous to celebrate the anniversary of the day she was assaulted; she was never going to forget those moments of terror on her own bridge or her vast confusion and shock when she woke in sickbay to learn that she had lost seven years of memories. It infuriated her that Braxton still had any power over her and she refused to allow him to steal any more of her joy over getting Voyager home, so she and Chakotay had surprised their friends and family by getting married at the anniversary party. Maybe it was a bad logistical choice since their wedding anniversary was always going to conflict with Voyager reunions, but it was a victory over Braxton and his wish to punish Kathryn.

The baby stirred and began to fret. Chakotay was instantly awake, hopping out of bed and rushing to the bassinet on Kathryn's side before she could even sit up.

"Just rest, Kathryn. I'll change him and bring him to you."

"Okay. Thanks, honey."

She watched him hold the baby against his chest for a moment, gently kissing the top of his head before placing him on the changing table.

"I know, it's miserable to be changed, but we've just got to do it and then you can go see Mama. Now, here's a big kiss from Grandma. She had to go to Indiana yesterday, but she'll be back for the party tonight."

The baby was working up to a pretty good screaming fit and Kathryn winced as her milk let down. Chakotay brought the baby to her and she laid down on her side, pulling her nightgown down. She bit her lip at the pain as the baby latched on. Her mother and sister both kept telling her it wouldn't hurt at all once she and the baby figured out what they were doing, which she hoped would be very soon. Chakotay sat down on the edge of the bed, watching her anxiously, and she reassured him.

"That was much better. He latched on correctly the first time. I think we're starting to get the hang of it."

"He's learning. I never realized how hard breastfeeding can be."

"Believe me, neither did I. You know, I can't stop thinking about Samantha and how hard it must have been for her on Voyager. She never complained, though, and she did such a good job raising Naomi."

Kathryn stopped talking and yawned widely. The sleepiness that always accompanied nursing was rolling over her.

"I'll take him once he's done and then you can sleep some more."

"I think I'll take you up on that. Happy anniversary by the way."

Chakotay smiled, the dimples forming in his cheeks.

"Happy anniversary to you. One year down, a lifetime to go."

"You really don't mind that we have to wait until tomorrow to celebrate?"

"Not one bit. I think it's very appropriate that our wedding anniversary is on the same day as the homecoming anniversary. Besides, every moment with you is a celebration of our marriage."

"That was cheesy, Chakotay, very cheesy, but I appreciate the sentiment."

"You love it when I'm cheesy. This is a good day, Kathryn, a day to dwell on all of the positives in our lives, not the negatives."

She glanced at him curiously, not liking the expression on his face.

"You sound like you're trying to convince yourself of that. What's wrong?"

Chakotay sighed and reached out to trace the curve of her jawline.

"I'm never going to forget that day, Kathryn. I thought you were being executed right there in front of my eyes and I was helpless to save you. Then, later in sickbay, we realized what he had actually done to you."

He shook his head miserably.

"Believe me, I'm never going to forget either. Here, it's time for the other side. Would you burp him?"

Chakotay picked up the baby. He had dozed off and he startled as he was lifted. Chakotay patted his back and soothed him.

"Shh, little man, it's all right. Kathryn, are you sure you're up to the party tonight? Everyone will understand if you're not. You just gave birth five days ago."

"Of course I am! I'm not missing it for anything. No one's told Neelix about the baby yet, have they?"

"No, they all value their lives and their commissions. Don't worry, it'll be a big surprise. Good boy, that was a big burp and now you can go back to Mama."

Kathryn rolled to her other side and Chakotay once more placed the baby into position. He latched on and Kathryn grimaced, but the pain passed quickly. The baby was wide awake now, his brown eyes watching her intently. She tried to smooth down the tuft of black hair sticking up at the crown of his head, but it immediately popped back up.

"Chakotay, I can't help trying to make sense of it all, even though I know it's pointless. Why did it all happen? Why didn't Braxton's people stop either of the attacks from happening? And have I been right to do what I have since rejoining Starfleet?"

She and Chakotay had talked about this endlessly. He had been her sounding board as she developed her policies and strategies, many of them based on her knowledge of the future. Was it right to use what she knew to attempt to mold a more acceptable outcome? Would she somehow accidentally cause the very incidents she hoped to avoid? And was it wise to pursue the research and development of Braxton's future technologies? His weapon, Voyager's scans of his time ship, and the mobile emitter, along with Admiral Janeway's contributions, were the basis of a research group Kathryn personally oversaw.

"We just can't know, Kathryn, and that's because of Braxton and Admiral Janeway. They changed everything and now it's up to us to make our own future."

There was nothing more to say to that. Chakotay took the baby once he was through nursing and Kathryn slept a little more. She showered quickly, changing into comfortable sweats before joining her family downstairs. They enjoyed a late breakfast together, the baby quietly watching them from his swing, and then Chakotay rushed over to the Academy for a brief staff meeting. Kathryn returned to the bedroom, determined to get another nap in while the baby slept. She had thought she was used to sleeplessness and fatigue from her time on Voyager, but the exhaustion of new motherhood was in a category all its own. Molly curled up on Chakotay's side of the bed while Kathryn tucked the baby into his bassinet. Her padd was lying on the dresser and she took it to bed with her.

Her office was handling all of her matters until she felt up to taking back some of her responsibilities, but they still sent her daily updates and she was pleased to find Thomas Riker had sent in a report from the border colonies. She was too tired to take it in properly, so she flagged it to remind herself to listen to it later in the day and examined Tom's frozen image on her padd. He was looking and sounding so much better these days. Recruiting him to coordinate the reconstruction efforts out in the border worlds had been Kathryn's first decision after she rejoined Starfleet. In her opinion, it was still one of her better decisions, although Hayes and Nechayev had both been scandalized and openly questioned her "inappropriate" fascination with ex-Maquis men. Kathryn had merely laid out the facts before them. Things needed to change and what they had been doing clearly wasn't working. Riker was the perfect person to earn the trust of the colonists who had been burned one too many times by Starfleet and the Federation. What did they have to lose by at least giving him a chance? She had been grudgingly allowed to make the proposal to Tom and he had risen to the challenge magnificently. Deanna Troi had recently sent her a brief message thanking her profusely for what she had done for him, but Kathryn responded that it was all Tom's doing. He had just needed another chance and besides, he had helped her when she was at her lowest. The least she could do was return the favor.

She set the padd on her nightstand and was instantly asleep. She awoke sometime later, Molly pressing against her back heavily. The baby was whimpering slightly and Kathryn stared at the bassinet, wishing Chakotay or her mother were here to hand her the baby. Molly was making her hot and Kathryn scooted away from her, but the dog pressed up against her insistently.

"Molly, quit being such a bed hog!"

She jabbed an elbow at her pet and sat up in shock when a lazy voice spoke to her.

"It's about time you woke up, Kathy. I was getting bored."

"Q!"

She jumped out of bed and rushed to the bassinet, snatching her baby up and holding him to her chest protectively. Q was stretched out on Chakotay's side of the bed, arms folded behind his head and fully dressed in a Starfleet admiral's uniform, boots and all.

"I came to see the little tyke. Do you realize this is the first time you've been alone since he was born? The big oaf wouldn't leave your side and your mother was constantly hovering over you and all those boring Voyager people kept coming in and out."

"You could have knocked and asked to come in, like a normal person instead of invading my personal space and giving me a heart attack."

"But I'm not a normal person."

Kathryn turned her back on him, leaving the room and heading downstairs for the living room. Molly was already there and she growled at Q, but subsided as soon as Kathryn snapped her fingers at her. Q trailed along, looking curiously at the pictures on the mantel and pausing to press a few keys on the piano while she latched the baby to her breast.

"Well, how's your son, Q?"

"I wouldn't know, after all, I'm only his father. He thinks he doesn't have any time for me now that he's out there on his own, gallivanting around the galaxy. Enjoy yours while you can, before he breaks your heart."

Kathryn suppressed the urge to roll her eyes.

"Maybe you should ask if you can join him instead of just complaining about it. He might like it if you show some interest in what he's doing."

Q sniffed and rolled his eyes.

"You've been a mother for only five days and you already think you know everything. You'll learn better soon enough."

"I'm sure I will."

Q sauntered up to her and looked down at the baby at her breast.

"He looks like Chuckles. Too bad. Our baby would have been much better looking and omnipotent to boot."

"I'll get over the disappointment somehow."

Q moved over to the couch and sprawled out, propping his feet up on the coffee table.

"What's his name?"

"Kurt." She smiled down at her baby.

"Kurt? That's not a name, that's something your little beast over there might hack up. Kuuurt."

He said the name in a hacking honk and Kathryn scowled.

"We would have preferred to name him after our fathers, but both of our sisters beat us to it, so we named him after Chakotay's friend, Kurt Bendera. He was killed our first year in the Delta Quadrant."

"Yes, yes, that's all very touching, but seriously, the little one deserves a real name, something solid and respectable. Q has such a nice ring to it, don't you think?"

"Sorry, but the birth certificate's all filled out."

"There's always next time."

"Don't hold your breath. On second thought, do hold your breath."

"I see motherhood hasn't softened you any. You were so much nicer when you didn't have your memories."

"So sorry to disappoint you."

"You'll be pleased to know that I'm going to be the little tyke's godfather anyway."

"It's very kind of you to offer, but Tuvok is already his godfather."

"Tuvok? That stodgy old Vulcan? That's even worse than naming him Kurt! He'll bore the poor child to death. No, no, that won't do at all. He can be the boring godfather, I'll be the fun one."

He grinned delightedly and Kathryn held the baby to her breast a little more tightly. Q's idea of fun was terrifying and she decided to change the subject completely.

"Q, maybe you can answer some questions. I've rejoined Starfleet. I'm an admiral now and I've been trying to change the future you showed me. I've also been pursuing both Braxton's and Admiral Janeway's technologies. Is what I'm doing right or will it cause even more unforeseen and dire consequences?"

"Oh, pish posh." Q waved a hand at her and shook his head. "You can't spend all your time worrying about what will or won't happen."

Kathryn tried to hide her disappointment as she moved the baby to her left breast, but it didn't escape Q's notice.

"I will tell you this, Kathy. Braxton's people could have stopped both of his attacks, but they chose not to. They're too fond of their own skins."

"What is that supposed to mean?" Kathryn's mind raced. "What are you saying?"

"Simply that the attacks ensured the existence of Braxton's timeline. Well, I'll be on my way. I guess I might take your advice and go see what Junior is up to. I'll be back sometime when the little tyke is more mobile."

He stood and leaned down, planting a kiss on Kathryn's head, then he snapped his fingers and vanished. Kathryn sat there long after he was gone, the baby sleeping in her arms, and tried to decipher what he had said. The best she could come up with was that her research into the future technologies would lead to the development of the time traveling Starfleet of Braxton's era. But since her research was based on the things Braxton had left behind, did that mean this was a predestination paradox? She finally gave it up. Temporal mechanics were gruesome even when she wasn't recovering from childbirth and breastfeeding around the clock.

Chakotay was terribly annoyed to learn that Q had popped in to visit Kathryn as soon as he had left her alone, but he thought over what Q had said.

"I think it is a predestination paradox, but I also think Q is right. You can't keep worrying about what will or won't happen. Just keep doing what you think is right."

She nodded. He was right, but she knew she would ponder Q's words for a long time.

The party was wonderful, the perfect counterpoint to Kathryn's reflective morning. Many of the crew hadn't yet met the baby and he was passed around under Gretchen's watchful eye. Dozens of small children raced through the ball room. Tuvok's grandchildren, Kathryn's niece and nephew, and Miral were among them. Mark's little girl joined them when the Johnsons arrived. Mark sought her out and gave her a hug, then went to join the party. She was truly grateful that they had managed to maintain a strong friendship. It wasn't something she would have imagined two years ago today when she learned that he had married someone else, but Mark was a true friend and his help had been invaluable over the past year and a half. His think tank was disseminating the analysis of Voyager's scientific and anthropological discoveries and doing much to shift the public perception of Starfleet.

Harry and his girlfriend, Lauren, stopped by to greet her and as always, Kathryn worried over what she knew of Lauren's future. She had considered telling Lauren what she knew, but had decided against it. It was something that wouldn't happen for another twenty years and Kathryn intended to make an agreement with the Romulans before then. More importantly, knowing something so significant was likely to only make things worse for Lauren. She could see such knowledge causing her to become either too reckless or too cautious. What if someone had told a young Kathryn that one day she would become stranded in the Delta Quadrant? No, some things were better left unsaid.

"Kathryn, it is time for the transmission."

Seven's voice cut across the crowded room and Kathryn hurried over to the large monitor that had been set up to allow a view of the ball room. Chakotay joined her with the baby in his arms. Seven was busily inputting commands with the Doctor by her side. He frowned at Kathryn.

"I hope you plan on going home and sleeping as soon as the party is over. You look exhausted."

"Oh, I'll be fine as soon as I drink some coffee."

"What?! I told you not to drink any coffee. Chakotay, how can you let her do that? The caffeine passes through-"

"I was joking, Doctor. I promise I'm not drinking any coffee."

The Doctor glared at her, but the transmission began at just that moment and Neelix's happy face appeared.

"Hello, everyone! How are you-oh, my! Is that the baby? I thought he wasn't due for another week. Hold him up closer, Chakotay!"

Kathryn took the baby from Chakotay and held him closer to the monitor.

"He came a little early, five days ago. I wanted to surprise you."

"Oh, he's just beautiful, Admiral, just beautiful. He looks like Chakotay."

Kathryn basked in Neelix's admiration, finally stepping aside to let Naomi Wildman talk to him. She couldn't tell him yet, but B'Elanna's team was testing the slipstream drive they had just installed on Voyager. Chances were that Neelix might be able to come visit Earth with his family sometime soon. The transmission finally ended and Kathryn remained to chat with Seven while she shut down the console.

"Do you want to hold him, Seven? I don't think you have yet."

"Very well."

Seven held the baby efficiently, examining him carefully while she told Kathryn about her plan to visit the Gamma Quadrant with the Doctor.

"Oh, I'm envious, Seven. You'll have to bring back pictures. I still haven't had a chance to go through the wormhole and I probably won't be able to for awhile now. This little one makes traveling a little more complicated, but he's worth it. He's so beautiful, don't you think? Deep down, I was worried he wouldn't be. I've always thought human newborns are so red and squashed, but he's only a little red and his head is perfectly formed. Just look at him. He even has Chakotay's lips."

Kathryn smiled down at her baby. Seven raised an eyebrow.

"You are in error, Kathryn, but you are not at fault. Your judgment is currently compromised by your hormonal imbalances—a necessary state to ensure the survival of the species. His cranium is malformed, no doubt due to his passage through the birth canal, and his skin tone is decidedly red. In addition, I see that he is suffering from milia, but you should not be concerned. The condition should resolve itself within weeks. However, he does show potential. In several weeks' time, he will no doubt be much more attractive."

Kathryn glared at her indignantly, but Seven wasn't done yet. Her nostrils flared and she held the baby away from her body.

"He is also malodorous."

"I'll take him." Chakotay's voice was strained and she suspected he was choking back laughter.

"I'll go with you, Chakotay. Goodbye, Seven. Thank you for your help with the transmission."

As soon as they were out of earshot, Chakotay began to laugh. Kathryn pretended to punch his arm.

"She called our baby ugly!"

"She was just being honest. It was funny and you know it."

"Well, maybe it was."

She began to laugh too. They had reached the entrance to the ball room and Kathryn paused to take a look at the large group of friends and family gathered there. Tuvok was lifting Phoebe's little Katie onto his shoulders to stop her from crying. Tom and B'Elanna were sneaking a kiss by the buffet table. Just beyond them, Gretchen gestured with her hands as she argued with Mortimer Harren. It was the hormones, Kathryn told herself. That was why her eyes were getting suspiciously wet. Maybe also the memories of a bitter old admiral who had hoped her crew would manage to find the happiness that had eluded them in the Delta Quadrant.

"Are you all right, Kathryn?"

Chakotay was standing by her side, their son in his arms. She reached up for a kiss and then traced his tattoo with her finger.

"I'm fine. I'm just so happy."

The End


End file.
